u/Same-Pear-6785

i have mecfs, eher danlos syndrome, (pls goggle it if u don’t know those conditions, too much energy to explain) pots, depression, anxiety, anorexia, emetaphobia, ocd, adhd, autism, etc and i don’t want to live. call me selfish but ive tried so hard to find a fuck to give but genuinely, i don’t have any reason to stay. from the age of 4 i’ve struggled with this shit and i want to be a child again, i miss being healthy i miss being normal i miss being myself. i never got grades in school, became u well at 10 and my teenage years have been robbed, yeah ok im a little better than i was but it fluctuates. everytime i feel stronger i get knocked down again. don’t know if this is a cry for help or not. i can’t burden my family bc my siblings are also special needs. if i want to die i need advice on the best place so that no one has to deal with the aftermath. i cant do it at home, i won’t allow myself to put them thru more. i suck as a person. im not allowed to drive or work, my friends genuinely don’t give a fuck about me. i’ve lost all of my friends this year. i’m in therapy, i have help, im medicated, it’s not doing anything. i have ptsd from a sibling and we still share the home and i hate them. i feel so guilty for hating them god, the sight of their face enrages me. i’m not an angry person until recently, the anniversary of something they did that traumatised me. therapists have told me it’s “abuse” but the person cannot control to an extent the things they say nor the threats. i can’t be in the same house as them anymore. my brother is my hest friend and we want to move out together to get away from the abusive sibling but we can’t afford it. when i last planned an attempt he came and helped me and i can’t do this to him but i can’t do this living bullshit either. i spend my life in my house, im never asked to hangout. i love my parents to bits but bc of all the shit i have wrong with me i genuinely do not see a point anymore. it won’t get better and ive spent 9 years hoping and praying it would, there is not hope for me. i cant stand the whole “it’ll get better” ”your important” bullshit, it doesn’t change my siaturaion and i’m tired of people pretending to know how it deeels to be so deeply isolating but trying to get out and meet people socially, life is so hard my last strW has been the fact that i don’t enjoy drawing anymore, the one thing that’s carried me thru all this. i hate drawing, i dread any form of creativity. all i want to do is get high or drunk but i can’t even do that. i hate my life, i feel so hopeless. life isn’t worth it if there are far more bad days than good and im so tired of pretending all this effort for recovery will become something. i’ve strated unhealthy coping mechanisms again and i think if i kill myself maybe it’ll take a weight of everyone in my family. i’ve been repeatedly told by health services that im “too complex” or “the service u need doesn’t exist”, i’ve been self managing and im so neurodivergently burnt out. i hate my brain and my body so it’s really hard to enjoy the rest if life. i don’t know why im writing this, maybe i secretly want advice on the most cleanest, easiest death or i wanr someone to see me. i don’t know, i don’t think i care. so sorry to be such a downer, im tired. twl of my friends said some really hurtful shit to me and it stings no matter how much i talk about it. i hate that jim still suffering and they go unphased and happy and carry on with their lives.

im so exhausted and im either too much for people and too overwhelming or im not enough. someone close to me called me a “martyr”, “victim complex” “overshare” “self centred” and thats stung a lot bc i thought i could trust them. she’d been ableist too me and had been slowly bullying me across the span of about 3 years and purposely isolating me. i asked her what i could do to fix myself and make things like before and thats what she said. i stopped being friends with her and in the same week lost another friend who decided suddenly (unprompted) that she “doesn’t owe me emotional depth to conversations bc we used to be close”, i have no one. ive done online groups, irl groups but they are all very old people, i just want a group of friends ds or something to look forward tool im so sorry im really tired, dont mean to out it in some one else or burden none, this is just a cry for help. any advice or comments would be heavily appreciated thank u

how to actually use up sketchbooks/notebooks when u have no motivation!?

last resort.