u/Sassy_Raspberry1212

I feel so guilty. I have struggled for years with not enjoying when my stepsons are with us. We have them 50/50, although in the first two years it was more like 75/25 and they were with ME specifically a lot, since husband was at work and I worked from home. It used to be that the stepkids’s Mom would ask us to take them on a lot of her days and also just assumed I was fine with them staying with us extra time since I was at home. I hated it. My one stepson has extreme behavior and potty issues… like shits his pants out of laziness and defiance as a way to show control. It’s awful. He’s 9 years old. We have had him in therapy for years, he’s been evaluated several times by therapists and psychologists to make sure there was no sexual trauma or trauma in general. Nope. He’s perfectly fine when he’s getting to do what he wants to do, but apparently has been doing this since about age 3 which is way before I met him. I met him at age 6. He’s very manipulative and whines a lot. He’s a thundercloud of a person to be around. I wish it were different, but I’m exhausted from dealing with the constant poo messes. He refuses to clean up after himself and will leave his dirty pull ups on the ground for the dogs to get into. Then the dog smells like shit, the kid smells like shit because he won’t shower off unless we TELL him to, the dogs trail it all over the house, it’s just insane. So I finally lost my shit about this situation back in April. Started therapy over it. It’s easy to say “why don’t you let your husband deal with it” and the answer is because he’s at work during the day, and when the kids are on summer break or school breaks or home sick, it’s all on me. He’s exhausted from this situation too. Understandably. So anyways, I let him know back in April that I was thiiis close to moving out until he gets the kid acting right and not leaving shit filled diapers everywhere. I said that from now on, unless he’s home, the kids need to go to their MOM’S house when they have breaks. Which I felt guilty about because he’s my husband and I WANT to be there for him and help, but I was at my wit’s end with the poop mess. He understood.

Well, now it’s getting close to time for the kids to head back to school in 4 weeks. I found out that he and the stepkids’ mom have decided that the stepkids will live with mom and stepdad during the school week and every other weekend. We will go from 50/50 to only every other weekend. I feel terrible for my husband. I feel guilty because I know that it’s partially because of me and me not wanting to be a primary caretaker, that my husband will have less time with the kids. But it has to be either we have them for school days or the mom does, because both we AND mom/stepdad moved in the past year. We are now an hour and 20 mins away from each other, so the 50/50 split isn’t feasible with dropping off/picking up the kids from two different schools for either of us when we also have to get to work by a certain time. ONE set of us would be driving an hour and 15 mins out of the way if we tried to keep the 50/50 schedule. Court isn’t involved and never has been, as my husband and his ex coparent very well and everything is super cordial between the parents/stepparents. I’ve asked my husband if he’s sad, but he said that he and the mom both knew that eventually, this was bound to have to happen if they both moved. But I just feel bad knowing that I’m probably a big part of why my husband let the mom have the majority custody. I truly couldn’t handle having the kids most of the time though, if that’s what it came down to. I adore my husband but his kids exhaust me. They both constantly expect everything to be done for them, they have no real responsibilities, they whine and cry and fight with each other. They don’t clean up after themselves ever. They lie to me and to their Dad. They’ve thrown things at me before. They’re 9.5 and 11. Too old to act the way that they do.

Idk what I’m trying to get out of posting here, but this is the only place I can talk about being an overwhelmed stepmom. I’ve tried so hard to love them like my own children (I don’t have any bio kids of my own) but they make it so hard. I feel happy about seeing them less and the guilt over that is eating me alive. Any advice or words of wisdom anyone wants to share are more than welcome. ❤️‍🩹

I’ve been married to my husband for almost two years, we’ve been together for 4 years. He has two boys from his previous marriage, I have no kids of my own. We have 50/50 custody, currently 2-2-5 schedule. He and bio mom coparent very well together and everything is cordial between the bio parents, stepdad and me (stepmom). Both my husband and I AND the stepkids’ bio mom/stepdad have moved away from the area we were all living in when I first met my husband. This happened within the last year or so. We are now roughly an hour and 20 minutes apart. The kids are going into 4th grade and 6th grades this year, which means two separate schools. I guess I’d never thought about it til the last few months when my husband brought it up, that once the kids were going to separate schools, pickup and drop off would become a lot more complicated. Up until now, the kids were going to the school that was pretty much the halfway point between where their Mom/stepdad live and where we live. We all would take turns dropping them off and picking them up. However, now neither of us live in that district or neighbor it. So the bio parents had to recently decide who the kids would live with during the week and every other weekend. My husband told me a few months ago that the stepkids would be living with bio mom/stepdad once school starts. I didn’t ask why or for details, because I try to stay out of most of those type of decisions. I feel terrible for my husband. He is a wonderful Dad. He and the ex wife were never in love and only got married because she got pregnant. The second child isn’t even his, the kid is her affair partner’s. Child of course doesn’t know that, and my husband would never tell him that. But anyways, I guess I’m wondering how to help my husband. This has got to make him sad. I know it’s what’s best for the kids… the schools are amazing where their bio mom/stepdad live. They have a stepsister who lives there who they like spending time with. There are way more kids in the neighborhood and they live in a much more suburban area, while we live in the country with a very small town. We pay for EVERYTHING, and I’m assuming that will stay the same. My husband does well at his job and although it’s a little odd to me that bio mom pays for almost nothing, it’s whatever. My husband can afford to do it so he does.

I’m also not going to lie, the one stepkid has EXTREME potty and behavior issues even though he’s 9. Me cleaning up after his #2 messes about drove me insane. I started therapy over it. He’s very hard to get along with a lot of the time because of his attitude. He’s like a thundercloud and just not a pleasant kid to be around. We’ve had him in therapy and he goes to many specialists to try and get this potty issue figured out, but he’s stubborn and extremely sullen and we haven’t made a ton of progress in that area. So the idea of not having to deal with cleaning up a 9 year old’s (literal) crap means I’m actually happy that they’ll be living with their Mom… which I feel horribly guilty for feeling. I feel so shitty knowing that something that makes my husband probably sad, makes me feel relief. I just feel so guilty and torn about how I’m feeling knowing that my husband is about to have his kids around way less. Do most kids prefer being with their Moms, do y’all think? Has anyone else been in a similar position? How did you help your spouse adjust? How do you support them during a change like this? Thanks in advance for any advice or words of wisdom that y’all can share. 🩷

Why is it so taboo for a stepparent to voice that they’re struggling with the stepkids or having a day where the kids are just getting on our last damn nerve? But bio parents say they’re frustrated and it’s met with endless understanding. We are not these kids’ parents and (often) don’t have that biological bond or love for them but are expected to do as much or more than the bio parents, always happily and gratefully. I’m struggling big time with this due to extreme behavior issues from one stepson & all around lack of expectations/rules/responsibilities for the stepkids. I’m just depleted and exhausted from having no actual authority in this role but having to live with the results of guilt parenting and the attitudes of often very difficult SKs. I’m tired. How do yall bring stuff like this up to partners without them becoming so defensive and saying “you don’t like my kids”?