I ruined my dream relationship because of my own insecurities.
So my boyfriend just broke up with me on Aug 9th… first off, let me say that we we’re best friends before (6 months before) and he waited for me and helped me through a bad situation going on in my life. He was the one person always there for me. I could tell him anything and he’d never judge me. Ok, so the relationship was great in the beginning. We always went fishing together and had so many amazing memories (some of the best times of my life) stuff out of a movie. Several months in I started to self sabotage because it seemed to good to me true. There’s no way this person truly loves me? There’s just no way. I started getting overly emotional and saying things like, “ maybe we should break up, I don’t think this is going to work” things I didn’t mean at all. Also, when I didn’t get his attention I felt not beautiful. Even though I knew he thought I was beautiful logically, it just wasn’t clicking. I never felt like I was enough even though, looking back at all of our memories, he always made it clear that I was. Ok, so he went to a trip to Idaho for an internship. I joined him about a couple weeks in. Everything was great until I started going a little stir crazy bc we were b a tiny apartment and never had the space to really think logically. I think it was really stressing him out. He didn’t understand the panic attack and the constant worrying. He’d play games for hours and I’d overthink bc he wasn’t giving me the attention. There’s also the stress of the fact he might get offered a job and it could possibly be in another state. (Not in the south where I live). We always talked about doing long distance and making it work and then me moving out there at some point. That was causing a lot of stress on me and he kinda freaked out one day and was like maybe this isn’t gonna work. But decided that if I’m willing to work through it and chance my thinking and not say the breaking up thing… it’ll work. Rest of the trip was great. Then when I got back home ( he was there for a couple of weeks after I left) I called him a lot (not like every two minute) but like 3 times a day. He didn’t seem to be putting the effort in and he said bc you don’t give me the chance to because you’re always calling. I stopped calling as much as it got a little better but I asked him about why he doesn’t do the flowers and nice texts anymore and he broke down crying and said he’s scared I’m going to leave him if he moves and that he couldn’t even imagine his life without me. I reassured him and all the effort came back. I was the one thinking more logically at the moment. The next two days were fine but then I started to overthink it again bc he had been doing the same (he doesn’t usually overthink). I started to believe long distance wouldn’t work but I wanted to try. When I saw him for our date (when he got back) it went great but he was talking about it at dinner. I kinda got upset a little. After the movie we went back to the car and well we were intimate and it was perfect but after I got a little upset and started crying bc I was scared and said maybe this isn’t gonna work while he was saying it will if we are both in it. He was comforting me and I said are you ready to go back? So when he dropped me off he said he loved me so much and I didn’t even kiss him or say it back. Then I called him the same night and we talked about it and in a way I feel like I was playing games saying oh maybe this isn’t gonna work bc I was really upset. And the next day he broke it off bc he said I haven’t changed and that it isn’t working.
Obviously no one was there for the good moments so you might say oh he never loved me… but he definitely did. We had something very special. I just screwed up. I really want him back and I keep holding on the the chance he will come back. I was thinking abt maybe reaching out in a month or two (not begging for him back but saying I hate how we left things and check in) I mean we were best friends. We didn’t everything together. I need advice. He’s a very logical person and I feel like I may be delusional lol.