u/Scared_jesus

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. And we've been living together for just as long. Our relationship started out really lively and he always expressed his love for my wild and free behavior and carelessness of other people's opinions. And especially said he felt the most loved and accepted with me than in any other past relationship.

A bit less than a year ago, things started changing from my side, while his love for me only grew stronger. I started finding problems in any of his behaviors, problems with his person, his habits, even judging him and belittling him for his own problems and battles. And he has listened to me, and changed every single thing I didn't like about him just so he could be perfect for me. And so that I could love him the same way he loves me.

On the other side, I've remained unchanged for the past 2 years. And only getting more distant and more cold towards him. I also recently got diagnosed with bipolar disorder and am taking antipsychotics and antidepressants. I know for a fact I love him dearly and I want to build a future and a family with him. I want to marry this man. And yet I yell at him every day, I cry for hours on end leading to him comforting me, I tell him he's annoying and to leave me be, I turn every argument into a yelling match or I make it about me and entirely dismiss his emotions. And what hurts the most is how painfully aware I am of it all.

And every week I have this revelation that I'm going to change this, that I'm going to be better for him. And I am better for exactly 2 days before everything goes downhill again and I have breakdown after breakdown.

Recently he told me he just can't take this anymore. And as much as he loves me now, there were times when he loved me harder. He said he lost hope in ever feeling desired or appreciated by me. And that he will stop expecting it. He also said "I just want to see those eyes that truly accept me. That will look at me and tell me 'its going to be okay' and never let go of me. And I still hope I'll see those eyes in you. But even if I see them in someone else, I'm too addicted to you to ever thing of leaving you"

I feel entirely broken by this and I feel extremely guilty. I consider breaking up with him because maybe I'm just not made for him. But I love him so. So. So fucking much. I really need to marry this man. How can I overcome this coldness of mine and really love him?

Tldr: I'm emotionally unavailable for him, meanwhile he keeps changing for the better just so I can finally love him. But I am in capable. He said he can't take it anymore, but still loves me. What can I do to better myself?