u/Scarlet_Melia

Hello, I have no diagnosis, only a therapist who said it could be possible, that I have a dissociative identity disorder of some kind. I am currently struggling with myself and my partner.

For context: I've been with my partner for over 4 years and we have an open, polyamorous relationship. I do have one "entity' inside my head which is constantly in contact with me. He knows about him.

My situation: I fucked up (again) while meeting new people and jumping into new relationships too fast. My partner is very sensitive to age gaps and I hooked up with a guy who is eleven years older than me despite knowing, my partner would be uncomfortable with it. The thing is, that I was feeling bad for weeks and was not communicating my needs (totally my fault), because he is not feeling well and I did not want to add to his burden. And this other guy was just...there. He cared for me, touched me and it just felt good and right at the moment. So I hooked up with him.

And I told my partner despite fearing his reaction. He was upset. Not because I slept with this guy. But because for him it felt like his feelings and opinions would not matter to me (which is not true, but I understand why he feels like it). And I do not remember the whole conversation we had, but one sentence stuck: "It feels like, I do not exist for you when you are with other men." And it totally hit the mark. I was not even aware of it until he said it. And...I should have denied it, but I told him the truth. I confessed to him, that in situations, where I know I am doing something, he would not like, it is like he does not exist. Like...totally gone. And after, I think about him, but do not feel any regret. That comes later, when the feelings of the situation subside a bit.

For this situation, I had a total breakdown during the discussion. I know, I tried not to dissociate by scratching. But everything after is basically gone, as well as the next day. And then...I just felt fine again. I have eaten normally since then, getting back up, treating myself kindly again. It feels like, I was neglecting myself and this crash just...reset me and now I am okay again. And it makes me feel horrible about it, because I hurt my partner and told him something, he cannot understand. I feel like an asshole and I usually do not try to explain that I legitimately have no recollection of certain events and blame it on bad memory. But right now, I just feel like a cheating asshole that forgets that a partner, I dearly love, even exists...

Hello, I have no diagnosis, only a therapist who said it could be possible, that I have a dissociative identity disorder of some kind. I am currently struggling with myself and my partner.

For context: I've been with my partner for over 4 years and we have an open, polyamorous relationship. I do have one "entity' inside my head which is constantly in contact with me. He knows about him.

My situation: I fucked up (again) while meeting new people and jumping into new relationships too fast. My partner is very sensitive to age gaps and I hooked up with a guy who is eleven years older than me despite knowing, my partner would be uncomfortable with it. The thing is, that I was feeling bad for weeks and was not communicating my needs (totally my fault), because he is not feeling well and I did not want to add to his burden. And this other guy was just...there. He cared for me, touched me and it just felt good and right at the moment. So I hooked up with him.

And I told my partner despite fearing his reaction. He was upset. Not because I slept with this guy. But because for him it felt like his feelings and opinions would not matter to me (which is not true, but I understand why he feels like it). And I do not remember the whole conversation we had, but one sentence stuck: "It feels like, I do not exist for you when you are with other men." And it totally hit the mark. I was not even aware of it until he said it. And...I should have denied it, but I told him the truth. I confessed to him, that in situations, where I know I am doing something, he would not like, it is like he does not exist. Like...totally gone. And after, I think about him, but do not feel any regret. That comes later, when the feelings of the situation subside a bit.

For this situation, I had a total breakdown during the discussion. I know, I tried not to dissociate by scratching. But everything after is basically gone, as well as the next day. And then...I just felt fine again. I have eaten normally since then, getting back up, treating myself kindly again. It feels like, I was neglecting myself and this crash just...reset me and now I am okay again. And it makes me feel horrible about it, because I hurt my partner and told him something, he cannot understand. I feel like an asshole and I usually do not try to explain that I legitimately have no recollection of certain events and blame it on bad memory. But right now, I just feel like a cheating asshole that forgets that a partner, I dearly love, even exists...