u/Sea-Camel4531

So today is my mom’s 70th birthday and I went no contact with her 3 months ago. I had an amazing day with friends and my husband and children, oftentimes forgetting it was even her birthday. But when I do think about it that thought I have is fear. Fear of if somehow we ever spoke again how much trouble I would be in for not contacting her for her birthday and Mother’s Day. My mom is always the victim and everything is always about her so not reaching out for these things I’m sure are unforgivable in her eyes.
I feel like since my no contact resulted from finally straw (a thousand little cuts) not one BIG event I get in my head of like “was this really bad enough to cut her off” but I know it was because of how happy and at peace I am. This is the first August 4th in my life that I wasn’t anxious running around worrying about if I did enough to make her happy.

Anyways…is it normal at 34 to feel scared that I’m going to get in trouble with my mom when I have no intention of speaking to her again? I feel like the fear is also because I feel like this isn’t over, like she will still make more attempts to talk to me because of my kids. So just like a weird fear all around. It’s not constant but when I think about being no contact the two very opposite emotions I feel are happiness/peace and fear.

Hope this makes sense to someone out there!

So I’ve been no contact with my mom for about three months now… I haven’t been sharing with many people but those who I have shared with who know my mom get it. Family and her best friend included, but the thing that I’m finding difficult is people not understanding that that also means she doesn’t get access to my children. She was obsessed with my children. They were her world and honestly a little bit of an unhealthy obsession. She does have another grandchild who is my brother’s (golden child) daughter, but they live 4 1/2 hours away whereas I was only an hour and a half away. I can probably count on my fingers the amount of times that she has seen her and she is almost 2. My children she was always asking to come visit which I dreaded but felt obligated to say yes or was guilt tripped. Also she wasn’t this amazing grandmother…she would always bring toys or clothes even when asked repeatedly not to and then would sit on her phone or iPad while at my house saying she liked to watch me play with them.

Anyways, I recently spoke on the phone with my mom‘s best friend and told her about what had led to my no contact. She completely understood but the one question she had was would I be willing to let my mom see my children. Or periodically send her pictures of my children. To which I responded that if she can’t respect me, she’s not going to get access to my children and that I don’t trust her not to completely bash me to them even though they’re very young, I’m still not willing to risk that. Anyways, I let that one go pretty easily because she doesn’t really know the situation as well but then today I was talking to my dad who is divorced from my mom for many years and they are not on good terms and I informed him that my mom is not on the email list for a newsletter my husband has been sending out while on paternity leave with pictures of our daughter and our family on the trips we are taking. He seemed surprised that I wouldn’t include her on that to let her see pictures of my kids. I explained to him that it would be weird to be sending that to her when we aren’t speaking and would even seem a little bit like I was rubbing our life without her in her face. Im extremely close with my dad and he has been supportive of my no contact so I was surprised by this. He also shared with me that my mom had told my aunt she doesn’t care about a relationship with me but wants to see her grandkids. So I was even more shocked by his response.

Again, none of this made me question my decision of no contact, but just made me scratch my head of why are people thinking that I’m going to hand my kids over to somebody that was toxic enough to be cut out of my life. Is anyone else finding this? Is it a generational thing? Both of these people are over 65.

If no one has experienced this then, thank you for letting me vent to you. I have been so happy since going no contact, but I still carry a ton of guilt in regards to keeping my kids from her because they are so amazing (I know everyone thinks that about their kids) and she will never get this time back because they are so young and she’s missing so much of it (3 and 8 months). But yet my life has been so peaceful, not having to explain myself, defend myself, and walk on eggshells with her while trying to live my life and be the best mom I can. This group has been so helpful because man these conflicting feelings are a real mind fuck! lol
Anyways thank you!!