u/Sea-Description-8479

I’ve known this person for at least over a year at this point, we met through a mutual friend through the internet and although we didn’t talk at first we became more comfortable with each other over time to the point where 5 months later we started talking about mostly everyday. We would usually just send memes we saw on TikTok and just talk about random stuff rather it be sum random goofy stuff or just stuff about what going on with our lives, eventually I just thought that I could confide with her with everything and that led to me telling about my grievances with my depression and thoughts about offing my self and harming myself cause at that point in time I was probably at my lowest like going off the deep end type of thing and I wasn’t really willing to tell anyone else about at the time, so out of desperation I just thought I could confide with my friend to see if she could at least support me at that time. Shortly after that we became more closer like we were so close that we would make promises together to like meet up in person in someway and even send each other’s gifts like she would send me a digital camera and I promised to make them a painting, and again we would talk every day for hours and hours on end. But although that was when our friendship was at our peak at that point it was also where I think it started to vaulter because it turned out all the things I was doing in our friendship was wrong in someway, like sometimes when we banter and poke fun with each other while sending unflattering pictures too each other and my friend would send one picture of her that she absolutely hated and I took it too far with showing the picture with some her other friends, not only that but I have a lot of bad habits that are very toxic like poking fun at my grievances and whenever we would play games with each other I would sometimes get frustrated and get competitive, both of these things she didn’t really like; another thing is that one time she wouldn’t talk for days and I asked her if I should leave her alone at that time and her response was “idrc what people do during this time and idc if they people choose to not talk to anymore after this or not cus I already lost too many friends too care at this point”, I don’t really know why but it kinda upset me when she said that cus like this friendship is important to me and for her to say she didn’t care I leave was kinda hurtful for me in someway, she told me I was just taking it the wrong way but honestly I don’t really know. And then as of recently she began starting to distance herself from me because of me always making fun of my mental illness, and during that time I started working on her painting again so her ghosting me and working on the painting kinda happened at the same time, and at the same time my friend is talking to this girl that she’s really into and I honestly just thought that they were beginning to start dating or were already dating but I didn’t know and again she was ghosting me so I just assumed they were dating so just out of nowhere I asked if she still wanted the painting because I didn’t want to send the painting just to cause a problem with her girlfriend thinking I was trying to get with my friend, like I just didn’t want to cause any drama with none of that. But my friend got mad at about that because she that it was weird that I was asking if she still wanted the painting now that she’s dating because it made seem like I was trying to push the envelope and trying to get with her and that it didn’t matter if I did make that girl mad because apparently they weren’t even dating this whole time even though they always flirting with each other but because of asking that about the painting she started ghosting me more, meanwhile I was still trying to text her and shit trying to see how she was doing and showing her pictures for the painting and stuff. Eventually I did end up telling her that it was upsetting me that she was ghosting me this was and that it was hurting me and thats when she went off on me and told everything about how the questions about the painting were weird to her, and how she hates how I was messing with her with that picture of her and she doesn’t like how I treated her in games and she like how obsessive I got during the friendship always needing to talk to her about stuff. She told me she missed how I used to be before all that stuff happened with games, and she told me that she doesn’t want to deal with me wanting to rely on her about my mental stuff and how I should rely on myself for that stuff and that she didn’t want to be the reason why I would go off the deep end again, but besides all that she just said she needed a major break and that maybe one day we could talk like we use to but now is not the time. After all that it just made me more upset and distraught because a lot of this stuff she never even told me until now and now I feel like an asshole because I was feeling I was being wronged and now it was the other was around, eventually I did send like four paragraphs of messages to her apologizing to her for all that and in the last paragraph I told her that I didn’t want her to think I didn’t see her as an actual friend because I did cause she was saying that she knew I didn’t value her time and stuff, but just summarize I told her that regardless I still thought she was an amazing person and that no matter what I would still wait for her to come back even if takes years for her to wanna talk again let alone never talk to me again I would still wait because I promise her that I would never wanna end my friendship with her; she did heart the message but she didn’t respond to it and I haven’t heard from her in a few days. And now I’m just stuck cus that was my best friend in fact my only friend in like ever and I guessed I just took it for granted and was an asshole the whole time even when I didn’t even mean it that way, like I will admit sum things I did were uncalled for like with that picture but a lot of that stuff about making fun of each other wasn’t even serious it’s just that one picture was the one I was supposed take serious I just overlooked that, but a lot stuff I didn’t know like her not wanting me to always be around and be clingy and not wanting me to confide with her, like I guess I was too pushy with that stuff; but besides that I’m still upset I messed it up and I’ve been upset about it for days and I just don’t know what to do at this point like still want to wait for my friend to comeback and like I would do anything for us to be friends again but like if she never comes around to me again then I wouldn’t know how to handle that. But anyways Ik this is kinda very long so I’ll just end it here, if y’all have any advice to give than please let me know cus I would appreciate that :)