u/Sea-Possibility5579

I’m not feeling well. Please read and give advice.

I don’t know what happened.

I was 13 years old. I stopped moving inside the timeline.

It feels like a weekend before school. I still remember my routines. My classmates. Their faces alongside my teachers. Like a new day of starting school.

But that was almost 7 years ago. All the people my age have grown up. They have jobs, some engaged, about to finish higher education or have moved.

They travelled, saw the world. Went through a ton of memories they will share with each other for the rest of their life. And I’m still wondering what starting 9th grade next week will bring. I never saw it.

From ages 13 to 20 it only lasted 4 months for me in these walls of constant dopamine and sleep. A month is like 3-4 days. I’m deprived of every good I need to be healthy mentally and physically. I’m always in regret or suffering physical pain. I want to go back. No cry lets me go back. I don’t want to live like this.

I want to live. Please. I want to be human as well. Can anyone comment if they relate to this.

It’s with deep pain and sorrow that I have decided to write this.

I am young, I just turned 20 very recently. Happy birthday to me.

For many, they consider this age to be a time where one could fail freely, and get back up, because of the time they have in front of them.

But time for me has unfortunately never been in my favor.

When society speaks of failure, I imagine an individual who has failed to reach the standard of what it means to participate in human life.

But no, I was wrong. it means a failed exam, a lost job, a drop out, or a reckless spending that led to debt.

Never failure. Just a moment you can reverse by trying again in the right way. How can such a moment be defined as failure if you can eventually meet the standard with time?

Because of this, I understood my situation different.

I had failed in a way that was beyond what society had a clear understanding for. What is permanent failure? Does it even exist in a human life? And if it does not, can such a person even call himself a human to begin with?

Today marks close to 9 years I have suffered. I stopped going to school at 13 after my pain became too much, and I last spoke to my family at 15.

And I have been a shut in, inside my room, for all I can remember.

I don’t know what it means to be happy, and I sometimes find it hard to believe that it exists sometimes. Though I always look back to a time when I was not exposed to this world, and I think of my childhood memories, they reassure me that happiness was true despite never having access to feeling it ever again.

Often it makes me feel like I spawned to a different world.

My early years of suffering was before I had become a teen. I had very clear troubles socializing with others. I constantly humiliated myself because I had an undiagnosed autism.

The humilition was from my special interests, communication issues, being too honest, or being and acting weird with others socially. Many people started to hate me at school, and I didn’t know.

I became bullied by people at school from the age of 11.
Though, ironically, it was also a time I found more acceptance from the peers around me. Before that, I was a rejected outcast. I had no friends, and I found comfort alongside other rejected kids, if they didn’t reject me as well.

I attempted to befriend and try to be accepted as I grew to become a teen. My understanding of friendship was unclear though, because I never had one.

During my early teen years. I was surrounded by people who made me feel as they were friends, or getting to know someone new meant a new friend. This was my way of thinking.

This led to me sharing my interests, secrets and trusting people fully when I shouldn’t have. I didn’t know what qualities to look for in a friend. I chose anything, not because I was desperate, but because I didn’t know I had to choose something specific.

I can not read social settings really well without having to go back and analyze it, so I also developed many enemies who I had hurt indirectly at school. Without ever knowing. Before they had come for me.

I left school after I became exposed to my peers, for who I was. My interests, the embarassing secrets I had told, bad rumors being spread by enemies, bad grades, poor mental health, severe acne, almost my whole grade bullying me, people looking at me different and giving me smirks.

It all attacked me at once, and I left school.

My reputation only grew worse after I left school as well, and I never recovered. It grew to become my town reputation.

While everyone else grew older healthy, and eventually grew up naturally to become adults. I remained the same, but much much worse.

The first one was the acne. The most effective treatments didn’t help. I came out of my lifestyle for the first time in years to help my skin, I was humiliated. I was treated badly, but I still got the medications just for them to fail.

My face is scarred, destroyed. I stupidly used anything on it desperately and it made it look even worse. I look like a zombie who was buried and told to live again after decomposing.

What’s even worse is a chronic health condition I was diagnosed with recently. I hadn’t come out of my room for years and went to the doctor again one morning. She said I have chronic eczema. I’m balding because of it and I’m developing marks all over my body that are permanent. My whole body is itching forever. There’s no cure.

During my years of this lifestyle, I feel as though my life has declined and gone more backwards. There was a point in my life I thought it wasn’t even possible to suffer more, though I was young, but life had more prepared for me.

I have developed health issues now. My previous ones weren’t treatable. I’m just 20 living in all of this in a town filled with people who hate me. My family despise me, and I’m also short.

I believe thoughout all this, I have a great reason to believe I’m cursed. My mother believes it as well. Religious people pray over me.

I never thought I’d hide from the world simply because I existed, and then be punished for being alive on top of that. You can imagine my mental health, it’s non functioning.

Recently my teeth has been hurting as well. I wasn’t sad. I really expected it. I am sure it’s a trailer for my next upcoming suffering, but I hope not. I can’t bear all this.

What is your advice if you have any? I will read them all.

Would becoming rich make you any less miserable?

Permanent consequences suck. I wish I knew what was wrong with me, I was undiagnosed. Would have saved me I think. Now too many unsolveable problems.

Why did I let go of who I was. Now I’m scared.

When did you cry last time?

Please upvote ^^

If you GO OUT you aren’t a hikikomori. Stop changing our small community and find support within a group of your own problems.

As harsh as it sounds, a lot of people in this subreddit express going out. Yet they identify as hikikomori simply because they feel lonely. Please go to the /lonely subreddit.

Hikikomoris are individuals who have isolated themselves at home for years, without ever leaving their house, EVER.

It brings such disgust that functioning people who feel lonely wants to group themselves in with a small community of hikikomoris who literally have no where else to understand them. Please go somewhere else!!!

I don’t dislike you, but I don’t understand the need to identify yourself as something you aren’t? There are other communities for you and you only take away a room for the specific people who needed it. :( - Its like occasionally sad individuals taking over /depression

I just wish I wasn’t living my life. I’m tortured everyday and there’s no way out of it.

My only hope is God. And I wronged him my whole life.

My mom did everything she could to raise me, yet with my dad’s retarded genes, I could not finish school or function in society.

He constantly mocks that I didn’t get a driving license, that I dropped out. That I got into the lowest bar of school.

That I’m rotting at home.

I want to do things right. I want to be human again.

Probably the autism

I wonder if video games and watching animated shows are even fun at any ages from 27.

What do you do?

To late undiagnosed autistic people who failed in their education with also abusive parents, where are you?

I’m literally in this situation.. :(

Why!? How the hell did I turn out like this for 6 years.
How???

Wake up. I want to go back. All the stuff my mother did for me. All the time that was spent so well back then. A year felt like a lifetime. Now it just feels like a week.

Get out of this cycle while you can, it’s misery. You lose touch with reality.

I watched the life I could have had disappear.

Everything that I grew up wanting to experience, gone forever.

We know how rare it is to end up within 4 walls.
When life is supposed to be lived. I have started connecting every dot.

I’ve come to realize I’ve done every crime and sin that can possibly be done. Is there anyone here who is actually an angel, no way?! Especially if kept there for 2+ years.

Hey to anyone who has been a hikikomori for 10+ years, and I don’t mean lonely… but go to work etc.
I mean total shut in.

I’m 20 and I have autism, OCD, depression, social anxiety and I’ve shamed myself in my local community.

I’ve already isolated completely from 13-15 then 17-20.

I’m stunted socially, physically and I’ve lost track of time. I’m also ugly.

Any regrets you have after you reached 10+ years? Would you go back and try to save yourself if you were in my situation?