u/Sea-Temp444

Is this "normal?" Like... I've never had a huge friend group to begin with, but since I found out I'm adopted a few years ago things have really gone sideways. I try not to bring it up, but, to give some examples, one friend, who is also adopted, even in normal conversations will suddenly just log off and stop replying. It can be about literally anything from anime, to writing, to the weather. It's not like they're going off and doing something else, it's a very loud logging off/done talking constant thing... Idk how to describe it... I tried to reach out to them to say hey, is there a problem, can I fix it? And basically got brushed off. Another keeps trying to compare it to finding out about a neurodivergence dx late and will either turn the conversation back to it or not reply at all or say random generic responses that half the time make no sense to whatever the topic was. A third will basically go "that's nice" before sending a novel length info dump about whatever person they are currently dating, they go through relationships like socks and not even their mother can keep track... Literally. And I'm trying to be supportive of each, listen, and respond, but it seems like anything I say, no matter the topic, is either briefly replied to or completely and totally ignored. Am I going bonkers???

I've even tried to say hey, if you want to switch gears from this or from that, feel free, if you want to discuss xyz, go for it, etc etc, because at some point the tension went from butter to molasses... And it's met with an "okay" and zero changes in communication. I've tried to ask if I've done something wrong and I get nothing or a generic "You're fine," but... It seems like everything has been on its head since that day. I deleted things once and got asked to come back, but I still feel like I should delete and just go... Has anyone else gone through this? I know I can't read people well, but... It wasn't like this before.... I'm guessing the problem is me, but I just don't understand or know what to do...

I'm a 34 year old female international adoptee, mom was apparently Japanese and dad was from the UK and part Indian, I have no idea from where beyond that. I ended up with white American adoptive parents and I have yet to figure out what is going on at any point ever. I hope adding a "Mixed" flair was okay, but I don't know why it keeps showing it double on my side.

That said, I just wanted to say thank you for this sub and for everyone who shares, I've lurked the past few months reading and finally decided to rejoin reddit because things actually felt a little more bearable, a little less lonely, and a little less like I was losing my mind. So thank you so, so much.

I apologize that this may be a little long...

I was briefly here before a few months ago, but I got so overwhelmed I stepped away for a bit. There is literally no one in my circle who remotely understands, and after being a lurker for awhile I decided to return... I'm not going to dump too much info at once because then I'll be trying to share and process everything in one go still, and that's not useful or good, but I did want to say hi.

I'm a 34 year old, female, (I guess technically late disclosure?) transracial/mixed/international adoptee. To make a very long story short, I was born in the early 90's, my bio mom had a lot of problems and needed a surrogate, she found one while working in the states. The surrogate mother took me and didn't let them see me for over three months. I was born with ASD, EDS, POTS, and some minor dyspraxia I inherited from my father, who was forced to retired from the Royal Navy when he got hurt and these things spiraled on him.

The surrogate mother had previous kids and had become addicted to the hormones and chemicals it provided, but she had been "fixed" and couldn't have any more. She told her husband she wanted me. Her last child was still at home, 9 years old, and was not having a good time. Because paperwork needed to be sorted, and dad refused to let the family feel used, we stayed in the states for awhile. I was temporarily put in physical therapy in the US for sensory and motor control, and as I got a little older, I didn't want to leave my sister with her parents. They tried everything to complicate matters, somehow ended up with some of my vital paperwork, and held it over my parent's heads. Dad finally got that sorted out, partly via a DNA test, my papers filed with the UK, and then both of my bio folks were in a plane crash in the early 2000's. Mom made it, but couldn't stand to return to the UK without dad. She still wanted me raised there, and tried to set up for my bio siblings to come get me, but passed from injury complications and stress a short time later.

Very much longer story short, my surrogate/adoptive family took me and fled the area they were staying and cut contact with my bio family. They had a doctor friend and several connections that led to a replacement birth certificate and SSN with a new name and birthday. I'm terrified to ask about this, honestly. I buried all of this, not wanting to think about it, and I was young enough I buried it good. They took advantage of that and me being white passing to start claiming I was actually their bio kid and it was all a bunch of BS, calling my bio parents scam artists, etc, etc. If you're not looking close, I looked just barely like my surrogate mother, but really just barely. I've grown out of said resemblance. I was homeschooled from that point on so nobody would try to tell me anything or ask questions.

In college, however, people who had known my bio parents started asking me things and by this time I was so far gone I had no idea what they were talking about. I didn't even process I had a mixed accent when tired. People asked me if I was (Father's name's) daughter, and how they were. Dad had been a member of the choir while he was staying here, and both had done a lot of volunteer work. The director tried to suggest I make friends with some of the Japanese students in the group, and I'm passing enough I got more confused. (I should probably add dad was mixed himself.) He tried to ask if my mother was Japanese, trying to prompt me to remember, and I stupidly said "No." A few friends tried to tell me about the work our parents did together, I thought they were crazy... Older exchange students chastised me for polite American manners and expected me to speak their language. Working as a conversation partner the office was shocked to learn of all the languages I studied, Japanese was not one... (Working on that now, but...)

Even my adoptive dad's brother once asked if he was ever going to tell me I was adopted, saying it wasn't right. That's his brand of humor, so I thought it was a bad joke... I couldn't understand why my adoptive parents got so angry and wouldn't let him come visit again while denying it every 5 minutes for a few hours.

It was only after my surrogate mother died just before covid and I started working that things broke. A handful of patrons asked me about my bio parents, one of them had been their neighbor and remembered me being with them. It finally stuck. I went home and asked my adoptive dad and he denied it, told me he would deny anyone who asked, and ultimately caused me to lose my job, insisting I was adopted but still his and it didn't matter. My adoptive sister buried things worse than I did, and I don't dare ask anyone too loudly because it may get back to adoptive dad and then life would be more hell. I have nowhere to go right now.

Things started coming back. I don't remember everything, but I remember a lot. Unfortunately, I'm cut off from everyone I knew at the moment. I'm stuck caregiving for my adoptive dad, but I don't have my own transportation, it was encouraged and then not allowed any time the opportunity came up. I don't dare ask for another DNA test because he gets the mail. I don't have the necessary documents or information to ask for the previous one. I was going to go with my sister after we started discovering things and remembering, but he tells me if I go to visit and don't come back he'll come get me. She hasn't talked much to me since.

For years I thought there were additional things wrong with my health, I was told it was this or it was that, but no, I was just a totally different heritage than them and not theirs. They slipped all over the place, all of the time, they're not that good at this, and I should have seen, I shouldn't have just buried everything, I feel incredibly stupid, I feel completely blind, I feel nuts... But it's all sitting here in front of me and I feel like I'm going to implode. I feel so guilty, and angry, and I don't even know where to begin...

I think mostly I wanted to tell someone who would get it, even if it was a stranger. Thank you for reading.