Messed up brain
I posted about it already but idc I need to get it off my chest. I was a victim of grooming for a lot of my teenage years online consistently, typically having two or three online daddies so I could feel something . About a year ago I met a guy at work who ended up grooming and taking advantage of me and despite knowing what the situation was objectivley I kept going back to him, why? Because I liked it. I liked that we went out together in public and the visible age gap and everyone at work knew he was a pedophile and now I'm 18 I'm with a 31 year old (sort of) and it's been very healthy. Hes had to learn to accept the age gap as he's never been with someone before and its what I need truly, a man who doesnt fetishise my age, sees me as a person etc but it scares me too. The idea of our future is intimidating because he wants to start having kids when I'm 20. And that idea is scary and marriage seems weird but I do want it, I guess its just because it's my first serious relationship or whatever. Another thing is I get off on the idea of his ex who abused him seeing us together and being jealous of me. She was his age so its kinda hot. I also get off on the idea that girls my age look at him but he already has a 18 year old gf who is his and can do with whatever he wants. I'm really filthy in my fantasies. Ive asked him to call me little girl and little one and he's tried but not too into it and it's a struggle. I dunno. I'm gross I know but I like that I have what some woman his age don't and ik it's not true it's just my victim brain wanting to spin it into a good thing blah blah idk