I don’t recognise myself anymore after 4 years of marriage
29M Muslim - After 4 years of marriage, repeated violence and disrespect have left me wanting a divorce. Looking for advice from anyone who’s been through something similar.
This is my first Reddit post, so please bear with me.
I’m a 29-year-old Muslim living in the UK. I’ve been Islamically married for 4 years to my 25-year-old wife, and we have a daughter who is just under one year old.
The first year of our marriage was genuinely amazing. I honestly felt I’d found the perfect wife. We had normal disagreements like most couples, but they never affected the love and respect we had for each other.
Things changed after our white wedding when my wife fell out with my sister. I tried to resolve things diplomatically, but my wife wanted me to aggressively confront my sister and completely take her side. When I refused, she began saying I wasn’t “being a man” and that I didn’t know how a husband should lead.
What hurt me even more was that she began insulting my family. She described them as “low class”, “uneducated”, “lazy” and “ignorant”, while saying her own family were educated, respected and above mine. She even told me that trying to speak to my sister was “lowering her class”. I was devastated hearing someone I loved speak about my family that way.
Unfortunately, things escalated beyond words.
Over the course of our marriage my parents were insulted, siblings were insulted, I’ve been slapped, punched, kicked, bitten, head-butted, had objects thrown at me, been threatened with boiling water, had my work laptop and clothes thrown out of a window, and during one argument my wife pulled a knife on me and prevented me from leaving the house. I never retaliated physically.
I didn’t tell my parents because I was embarrassed and desperately wanted the marriage to work. Whenever they asked about scratches on my face, I’d make excuses.
When I eventually told my wife’s parents, I hoped they would condemn what had happened. Instead, I felt much of it was minimised or explained away. I was told there was “a reason” she behaved like that and later encouraged to stop bringing the violence up because it was in the past.
Throughout all of this I kept hoping things would improve, which is also why we ended up having a child together. Looking back, I know that wasn’t the right decision, but I genuinely believed things could still be repaired.
The hardest part is that even now I don’t feel there has ever been real accountability. Arguments are often followed by acting as if nothing happened, while I’m left carrying the emotional impact. Over time I’ve become far less patient than I used to be, and I don’t recognise the person I’ve become in this marriage.
I’ve reached the point where I believe divorce is the right decision. My biggest fear isn’t the divorce itself—it’s my daughter. I love her more than anything, and I’m scared about not seeing her every day and how co-parenting will work.
Has anyone, particularly other Muslim fathers or fathers in the UK, been through something similar? How did you navigate divorce, co-parenting and rebuilding your life afterwards? Any advice please