u/SecurityForsaken4879

When I was 8(m) my brother, a few years older, taught me to masturbate. After that he made me masturbate in front of him every night. He made me watch him masturbate, and touch his penis. And he gave me a handjob.

This lasted for a few months. I've only just started remembering, and it's really having an impact on me. I had my first orgasm while my brother watched. The first person to touch my dick, or make me cum, was my brother. All these firsts were with him.

I've been thinking about it almost constantly since I started remembering. I've been trying to fill in the gaps in my memory, but in the end I just start getting aroused and that makes me so uncomfortable, so I try to stop thinking about it.

Yesterday I couldn't stop. I remembered when he tried to get me to suck it. I'm 99% sure I refused. But I tried imagining myself going through with it, to test my memory if that really did happen.

And in the end I couldn't help myself. I masturbated while imagining myself being coerced to suck my brother as a child.

I feel gross. I need to be able to stop thinking about this, otherwise I think this will keep happening.

I can't go to therapy right now. Do you have any advice?

I'm planning on sending my brother who sexually abused me when we were 8 and 12 an email. I'm going to create a new email account to send it, and I won't directly tell him my name because I have so much anxiety about that making ot "real". But he'll know it's me.

We have a good relationship and we've never spoken about what happened. We don't speak via email, so I want to send it there to isolate it from the rest of our relationship/conversations.

In the email I explain that childhood memories have resurfaced involving sexual contact between us, with gaps I can't fully piece together.

I don't say he abused me, I saw we did sexual things together.

I tell him I don't blame him, which is true, and that I'm not planning to involve anyone else, which is also true.

I don't want our relationship to change, I just want to get this one conversation that I think we need to have done so I can have clarity.

I ask him to share as much detail as he remembers about how it started, escalated, how often it happened, and how it ended.

First I have a couple of questions:

- Are there any big risks here that I'm missing?

- Is there anything I can include in the email to increase the chance of him replying/providing me the details I need?

- Should I tell him some of what I remember "I remember masturbating in front of each other, for example" - will this make it more comfortable to respond? I'm worried it gives him an opening to say "yeah that's all we did"

Any other advice you guys can offer?

Has anyone had a similar experience of asking someone who you have a good relationship with?

I'm planning on sending my brother who sexually abused me when we were 8 and 12 an email. I'm going to create a new email account to send it, and I won't directly tell him my name because I have so much anxiety about that making ot "real". But he'll know it's me.

We have a good relationship and we've never spoken about what happened. We don't speak via email, so I want to send it there to isolate it from the rest of our relationship/conversations.

In the email I explain that childhood memories have resurfaced involving sexual contact between us, with gaps I can't fully piece together.

I don't say he abused me, I saw we did sexual things together.

I tell him I don't blame him, which is true, and that I'm not planning to involve anyone else, which is also true.

I don't want our relationship to change, I just want to get this one conversation that I think we need to have done so I can have clarity.

I ask him to share as much detail as he remembers about how it started, escalated, how often it happened, and how it ended.

First I have a couple of questions:

- Are there any big risks here that I'm missing?

- Is there anything I can include in the email to increase the chance of him replying/providing me the details I need?

- Should I tell him some of what I remember "I remember masturbating in front of each other, for example" - will this make it more comfortable to respond? I'm worried it gives him an opening to say "yeah that's all we did"

Any other advice you guys can offer?

Has anyone had a similar experience of asking someone who you have a good relationship with?

Tldr: I've never thought about this in 26 years. I've always pushed it away. Now I'm finally trying to remember and accept it happened, and it had an impact on me. So many new feelings are coming. What can I expect to feel or deal with now?

The full picture:

When I was 8m and my brother was 12 he started grooming me.

We shared a room, and at night he'd tell me about sex and masturbation. He taught me how to masturbate before I could even get hard, and told me to do it while he was in bed across the room.

Not long later I started getting erections. I must have seen his erect penis, because I knew mine was different. It makes me uncomfortable knowing that I saw his penis but not remembering when, because I don't know what happened when I saw it.

He also saw my penis many times. I remember standing on my bed and he was in front of me, looking at my erection.

He kept telling me to masturbate at night when we were in bed, every night. He'd tell me how to to it, ask me how it felt, and listen while I did it next to him.

I still couldn't have orgasms at this time, but I did what he told me to do, and tried to have an orgasm but never could.

I also knew how he masturbated, and that my penis was too small to do it like that. So I'm sure he made me watch him too.

I'm not sure what, if anything, happened in between. But a little later when I was 9 and he was 13 I remember sitting on my bed during the day, and he was standing in front if me. He asked me if I'd been able to orgasm yet, I still hadn't. He told me I should try. I masturbated in front of him and had an orgasm for the first time while he watched.

From then on he got scary. He'd force me to watch him masturbate whenever our parents weren't home.

I have so many vague memories of him trying to touch my penis over my pajama pants and me running away.

It all culminated in my bedroom, we had separate rooms at this point. He was blocking the door so I couldn't get past him.

His penis was out and it was hard. He asked me to suck it but I refused. He asked me to touch it which I also refused. He kept pushing and I just wanted to get away. I was scared and really wanted to get out of the room.

Eventually he said he would use his hand on me to make me cum, and then I should do the same to him. I agreed. I was only 9, and I felt like I had no choice.

I closed my eyes and he used his hand on me until I had an orgasm.

Next he said I had to do it to him. I remember his penis being in front of my face. So I must have been sitting or kneeling. It was so big and it scared me to look at it.

I put my hand around it, and my fingers couldn't wrap the whole way around. It felt different than I expected, hard and soft at the same time, and hot, I wasn't expecting it to feel like that and so it made me feel really gross.

I tried to move the skin back and forward a little but I felt so bad, I had to stop. I think he moved my hand with his hand for a while, but I stopped and let go. I don't remember how, but somehow I could get away without doing it.

Ever since then I've had confusing sexual feelings about penises, and I think this comes from what happened to me. I've never been physically, sexually, or romantically attracted to any man.

Even so, I've always had a sexual attraction to penises, nearly the same as I have to vaginas. When I watch porn, I can enjoy watching videos of just a closeup of a penis being masturbated, if I don't see or hear the man.

I always had an urge to touch or suck a penis. Eventually as a young adult I visited a trans prostitute and did. I enjoyed it, but since I "got it out of my system" the attraction to penises has diminished a lot, but not disappeared.

Now I'm in my mid-30s and for the first time in my life I feel like I'm becoming sexually healthy. Turning away from gross or unhealthy kinks, and toward loving and caring, mutual sexuality with my wife.

I've never been able to talk about these things, and have kept them secret for 26 years. I don't think they emotionally effected me, I'm still close with my brother and nothing happened after that last time. I can talk about it without feeling sad or angry or hurt, just embarrassed.

But it really destroyed any chance at a healthy introduction to sex and healthy sex life in my teens and early 20s.

This is the first time in my life I've been able to express what happened to me. I've only told my wife. So if anyone had any advice or warnings about how to handle it or what to expect mentally, please let me know.

Mods if there's something wrong with my post please tell me. R/adultsurvivors immediately permanently banned and muted me for posting this there so I can't find out why.

I'm trying to understand something about myself and would really appreciate hearing from others.

I experienced sexual abuse by my 13 year old brother when I was 9, I'm also male. I remember being scared, not wanting it to happen, and trying to avoid being alone with him.

It culminated in him cornering me in my bedroom and pressuring me to suck his penis, which I refused, then he wanted me to touch it, which I also refused. After a lot of pressure I agreed to give him a handjob after he gave me one, because I felt like it was my only way out. He stimilated me to climax, but when I held his penis it made me so scared I couldn't. I can't remember how I got out of it but somehow I did.

I've spent 26 years trying to forget this. But now I feel strong enough to remember, I want to remember, but I can't remember everything he did.

As I try to remember and reflect on that time, I find my reactions confusing. Of course I don't feel attracted to him, and I don't look back on what happened as something I wanted.

But sometimes thinking about that period of my life makes my heart race, and it makes me sexually aroused. Which feels very wrong and makes me feel horrible.

I don't understand at all. It's difficult to deal with. Has anyone dealt with feelings like this before? Do you have any advice?