u/SelectAdvice

I (40f) have always loved porn, and haven't had any issues with it affecting my previous long-term relationship. My ex-husband watched porn constantly, but still would chase me around the house and want to have sex with me.

But, my new husband (40m)? He also watches all the time, but has difficulty getting an erection because of it, though he refuses to admit that's the reason. I recently caught him going through all of the trouble of setting up an OnlyFans account, so that he could see some freshly 18-year-old girl he saw on Reddit. Her profile had plenty of videos, but it wasn't enough, I guess. So, despite regularly having condemned OnlyFans in the past, he decided to go ahead and go through the verification process. That's how important it was for him to see longer videos of her. He claims it doesn't matter because he didn't message her, and he didn't spend any money (True, sure). But my main argument is the level of effort he put into just the potential of seeing a longer video vs the ten-second butt rub I get when he tries to initiate with me. If I don't respond immediately, he gives up.

The OnlyFans thing led to a huge discussion where he swore he would just give up porn no problem, and it'd be fine. I didn't ask him to do this; he volunteered. So, I relented, and he initiated morning sex again, but then I found out that he had to watch porn to get hard enough for me. In the morning. I had wrongly assumed that he always did morning because it was the only time he could get hard with me. But, apparently, he still needs help even then.

I try all the time to initiate at any time other than the morning, but he's just always "too tired" or not in the mood, or whatever else. I even tried to invite him to watch porn with me. No cigar. But, it wasn't technically a dead bedroom, because he'd initiate 5 minutes of morning sex every day. Which he knows I take issue with, because I never get off, since it'd make me late for work.

And now? I just told him I don't want to have sex with him anymore. Sex is pointless if I don't feel like I turn him on. If he needs porn to even get in the mood to initiate sex, then I just don't want it. Having sex with me is clearly too much work for him, and I'll be damned if I'm going to be relegated to one more chore on his checklist.

So, yeah porn is the cause of this dead bedroom, because I'm done.

I caught him going to OnlyFans, and this led to a long discussion where he seemed like he really wanted to change. I didn't even have to ask him to quit porn, he just immediately went to that in order to "save our sex life."

Now, the kicker is, I have a specific way that I monitor his internet activity. He knows I do this, but he doesn't know how. He thinks he figured it out, and bypassed it, but he didn't. So, today, first thing, I see him going to porn sites.

So, not only did he just lie straight to my face, but he apparently thinks I'm an idiot too.

I wouldn't even mind all of his bullshit so much if he would just be honest with me, but that's apparently an impossibility.

But he doesn't believe porn addiction exists! Can you believe that?? He literally can't quit, but he doesn't believe it's an addiction.