u/Senior_Judgment6868

Im a bio father. When the child I fathered was placed for adoption I didn’t have a choice. I’ve been writing letters to her for years. They’re all saved and backed up. I don’t know if she knows I’ve been writing.

A few years ago I wrote a letter asking for potential reunification and was politely turned down. They said it would be potentially disruptive to her life. Questions of identity might come into conflict

So I have a question for adoptees. She’s in her mid teens now. Should I try reaching out and asking again? If you’re an adoptee, assuming that reunification is approached with compassion, at her speed is it a bad idea?

How would it have made you feel to know your bio family had been reaching out your entire life but your parents held the letters from you until you were an adult?

I’ve heard that some adoptee growing up never had the desire to know their bio family.

I’m a biological father in a closed adoption and I’ve carried questions about it for years.

When my daughter was born, I was young, in military training, unmarried, and not physically present at the hospital. By the time I learned what was happening, the adoption process was already done. I was later able to establish paternity, but ultimately signed away my parental rights. I didn’t know what legal options I had and my daughter was already housed for several months with her new adopted parents. The lawyer I saw on base said I had no legal options and I head the same from close family that I trusted. It never felt like a choice.

At the time, I had very few realistic options. Looking back, I still question whether I should have fought harder.

I met the family one time. I was told by their adoption lawyer that I could not ask about the arrangement of the adoption. He seemed nice. I thought he was trying to be a good mediator and was representing both our interests at the time. They’ve allowed me to write letters for her to potentially read when she becomes an adult, but there has been no direct contact. Sometimes I get pictures but now that she’s in her teens I get fewer updates. I’m thankful for what I have had for sure. Many others in my situation likely never had the potential for access or hope to once meet their child as I have.

I wrote the family a letter asking for potential reunification before adulthood but they said it would be confusing and potentially difficult for her at this stage in her life. I’m told and believe that she knows that she’s adopted and she’s seen pictures of me.

For context, I’ve written honestly about my life, regrets, grief, and the emotional reality of never knowing the child I fathered. There are probably dozens of letters at this point ranging from happy silly stories to death of loved ones. It’s been a space for me to share how I see the world. It’s a one sided conversation intended for someone that one day might want to know more about their biological parent. The good and the bad.

I understand why that might feel heavy for a teenager but I know she won’t read them until she’s older. From reading some posts on Reddit adopted it seems that adopted children want the whole story of where they came from and want to know if they were wanted…even if the truth hurts. 

I’ve also started thinking about how the things I’ve written might cause grief. Survivors guilt in a certain kind of way. That her existence caused pain and even though I didn’t intend to write in such a way that would cause her to feel guilt for adult pain, it still could. 

I’m not trying to disrupt her life or undermine her adoptive parents. I genuinely want what’s healthiest for her.

I didn’t choose a closed adoption but through circumstances it was chosen for me. Sometimes I feel that she was stolen, and that the adopted parents took advantage of a vulnerable young couple to raise a child that wasn’t theirs.

I’m not delusional though. I realize that the darker feelings that come up for me regarding adoption are more likely a projection of my own grief. Though not entirely untrue. They could have chosen an open adoption and knew from the start that I wanted to have a relationship with my daughter.

I think they rationalize the closed adoption as being for the benefit of the child and to avoid complex concerns about identity, purpose and place in the world.

I tried finding a support group for bio patents but there were non at the time for men. I don’t know if that’s still true because I stopped looking.

For those who are adopted, what would you have had me do differently?

Did you get letters? Did you want letters?

What would you have wanted them to say?