r/AskAdoptees

Im a bio father. When the child I fathered was placed for adoption I didn’t have a choice. I’ve been writing letters to her for years. They’re all saved and backed up. I don’t know if she knows I’ve been writing.

A few years ago I wrote a letter asking for potential reunification and was politely turned down. They said it would be potentially disruptive to her life. Questions of identity might come into conflict

So I have a question for adoptees. She’s in her mid teens now. Should I try reaching out and asking again? If you’re an adoptee, assuming that reunification is approached with compassion, at her speed is it a bad idea?

How would it have made you feel to know your bio family had been reaching out your entire life but your parents held the letters from you until you were an adult?

I’ve heard that some adoptee growing up never had the desire to know their bio family.

Bf’s son is starting to show interest in sexuality and puberty is not far behind im sure. Everything is super age appropriate - I think he’s just curious mostly.

But….i would love advice from adoptees - what did your family do well/what could they have done better for you while going through puberty (or in the years leading up to it)?

Also are there any challenges specific to adoptees as it relates to puberty? The only thing I can think is that you prob don’t have any idea about your body type so you might look much different than your family.

Hi everyone, I’m looking for some honest insight and perspectives from adults who grew up believing a certain man was their biological father, only to find out later in life that he wasn't. I particularly want to understand the emotional fallout and whether protection can sometimes justify a secret. Here is my story: In 1995, I met a woman who had a 3-month-old son. I fell completely in love with both of them. When he was 9 months old, I moved across the world to be with her and raise him as my own. He has never known any other father. He is my baby, my son, and I love him with all my soul.

When his mother was 3 months pregnant with him, she discovered that his biological father was a scumbag of the highest order—a heroin addict, a prolific thief, and a man who had just been released from prison only weeks before my ex met him. He was banged up for being an an active accessory to a violent, execution-style murder. He didn't pull the trigger but he beat the victim and held him down while his friend shot him. She left him immediately, and that man has never seen or spoken to my son. He is completely out of the picture.

Years ago, I spoke to a police officer friend who pulled the biological father's record. He looked me in the eye and said, "Keep your mouth shut. You do not tell him anything. This man is a monster, and your son does not need to know that is his blood." So, I built a fortress around my boy. I protected him from that shadow. When he asked as a kid why my name wasn't on his birth certificate, I gave him a logical, safe cover story about i couldn't sign it as i was overseas at the time when he mother was getting it done, which he accepted. My son is now 31, living his own life and doing well. But carrying this secret for over thirty years is haunting me. Part of me believes a child always has a right to the truth, but another part of me is terrified of what the truth would do to him and also terrified that if I tell him, he might love me less, feel deceived, or be completely crushed by the knowledge of the violence and addiction in his biological bloodline. At the moment, my gut tells me to never tell him—to keep holding the shield over him for the rest of my life so he is spared the trauma. For those of you who discovered the truth later in life:

1. If your biological father was a dangerous or toxic person, would you have preferred your dad kept the secret to protect your peace of mind?
2. If you found out your dad kept this from you out of pure protection, would you be angry at him for the deception, or would you understand why he did it?
3. Would finding this out make you love the dad who raised you any less? I just want to do right by my boy, even now when he’s a grown man. I appreciate any raw, honest perspectives you can give me. Thanks, Matt

Hello all,
My partner and I are in the middle of an international adoption of our first child. We are hoping to adopt an older child. I know Mother's Day can be a difficult day for a wide range of people, but I want to hear perspectives on what we can do to make this (and Father's Day) as painless as possible for our prospective child. Please share your thoughts and what you have found helpful for navigating the day. Thank you!

First of all the elephant in the room I am an adopted person who just don't belong in the Adoptee community, I am by all case and purpose not apart of y'all but there is one question: why does it seem like adoptees just dismisses any adopted people who may not view the world the same way they do or have the negative experiences that the others do? I apologize if it seems like I'm trolling I am not I assure you I just have a weird way of wording things that seems aggressive when its not.