r/AskAdoptees

Do any adopt these of color have good relationships with their white adopted parent? I work with a lot of Black children who have been adopted by non-Black families. But I’ve only met a few parents who really try to make an effort to learn their child’s culture. Most just try to ignore or dismiss their race. I’ve never met a non-Black parent who cares enough to set aside money to ensure their child’s hair stays done or they can take proper care of their hygiene requirements (lotion, oil, etc.).

I kind of feel like not getting your child’s hair done or ensuring that they have the tools to build a positive sense of self is child neglect. I’ve seen kids had to shave their heads because their parents refuse to learn how to care for it. I’ve also seen kids get eczema because their parents don’t ensure they’re using lotion every morning.

Usually, their lack of care bleeds into how they treat the child. It’s like they treat their children like they’re wild animals while also not giving them the tools to groom themselves. Then they start acting too scared to parent them or they start acting scared of the child once they get older. I don’t know if I’m being hypercritical or if this is an actual issue. Are there any transracially adoptees who love their non-black or white adopted parent? How can I encourage non-Black parents to do better? How can I help Black adoptees enhance their self image without crossing their parents boundaries? My questions are for people of color, not the people who adopted them. Ive heard hella parents from transracially adopted families praise transracial adoption.

Long story short, I found out that I have DNA matches in the 2nd Cousin 1x removed that trace back to a Japanese family by the name of Murakami. I don’t believe anyone in my biological family is aware of my father’s NPE. It appears that this was a product of a situation that occurred with my biological grandfather or grandmother.

I’m pretty close to identifying my “real-biological” grandparent (I’m down to two possible “suspects”) but I’m not sure if I should reach out or not. I don’t want to drop a bombshell, but at the same time I really want to know more about my news-to-me Japanese heritage.

Not sure how to process this, this is definitely a lot. To find Japanese before Jewish (the identity I was raised as by my adopted parents) is certainly a trip.

I was adopted at birth. Bio parents were only 16 and not really a couple. I got to know my bio mom in my 20’s and we stayed in touch until she died. I called my bio dad on the phone once in my 50’s to see if he wanted to meet me, but he didn’t want to. He’s has also passed way. I’m in my 60’s and I know my bio dad had two kids after me, but they may not know about me. I know their names and have the ability to contact the half sister. Should I? I would love to see if she would want to meet. But I also don’t want to hurt anyone if they don’t know. He didn’t cheat. They were young and dated so he didn’t do anything wrong. And if I do, should I call or Facebook message. Message is easy for her to think about it.

Hey everyone first time posting trying to reach out for some help ive been looking for my half older sister that was adopted we are four years apart never met she would be probably 39 to 40

Birth name

Ashley jarrard

Birthday

September 2 1987

Birth mother

Bobbie ann Gillespie

Birth father

Donald jarrard

Born in hall county

Northeast Georgia medical center

Hello everyone. I want to approach this space with respect and humility, as the last thing I want to do is cause harm or speak over lived experiences.

​A little background: I am a 23-year-old female. I am not planning to start any adoption process anytime soon, as I am dedicated to thoroughly researching and understanding the reality of adoption first.

​Growing up, whenever I thought about parenting, adoption was always my primary consideration. Back then I ignorantly assumed that providing a loving home was all a child needed. However, as I began researching I realized how much more complex and painful the reality often is.

Over the past three years, I’ve been learning from adoptee centered spaces, getting recommendations like the book "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier. Much of what I have learned focuses on lifelong grief, identity loss, relinquishment trauma, and systemic issues within child welfare.

Reading these perspectives has challenged everything I initially thought. It has made me reflect deeply on whether pursuing adoption is genuinely in the best interest of a child or if it inherently perpetuates harm. I recognize that your voices should be at the center of this conversation.

So for those willing to share:

​Is there a responsible and ethical way to approach adoption, even with knowing that the child will experience trauma from the adoption process?

Should potential adoptive parents focus their efforts on family preservation instead of adopting?

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please feel free to ask me anything if it helps clarify my post.

So basically I’m a 42 year old single mom of two older kids 19 and 17 that I’ve raised alone. I’m currently 5 months pregnant and the baby’s father has recently become abusive and then bailed.

Question is should I put the baby up for adoption or keep him?

I make decent money but not enough without dad’s help. Childcare would take about 35-40% of my monthly earnings.

I’m months away from being done and the idea of starting over AGAIN at 42 by myself is horrific.

Dad is abusive.

I have zero support system, even the older siblings want nothing to do with him.

My brain is screaming, adoption- logically it’s the best solution for little man and for me.

But….my heart.

My heart screams- that’s your baby, you’ll figure it out you’ve done it before, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life if you give him up, the baby will suffer possible abandonment, how would you explain to him when he’s older that you kept your first two but not him? In 5 years what will you regret most?

Could I give him a decent life? Yes but it would throw me back into poverty that I’ve worked so hard to crawl out of.

Another family could give him a great life. However, that’s also a risk.

What would you do?

Did you tell your kids you were adopted? I have a 5 and 3 year old. Right now they are too little to understand. I am not sure if I’ll even tell them?

Edit: my adoptive parents don’t know I found my bio family so I don’t want the kids to accidentally say something to them. Also, not sure how to tell them either? I’ve been in contact with bio family for 2 years.

Hi everyone (again)!

[mod approved]

Thank you so much to everyone who already filled out my survey! I’m currently just 3****0 responses short of my goal for my final thesis in psychology. (I am an adoptee myself, dedicating my final study to the topic of attachment and identity of adult adoptees).

If you are an adult adoptee (18+) and haven't taken it yet, I would be so grateful for 10 minutes of your time!

Here is the Link:

🔗 Adoption Study

Topic: Adoption and attachment, identity clarity and family communication openness

Duration: 7-10 minutes

Anonymity: 100% anonymous

Thank you so much for helping me get over the finish line!

Kind regards,
Lisa ❤️

Hi there, we are a same sex couple (2 woman’s) looking into either adopting or using donor. I am wondering what would be best for the potential child to be. I hear a lot of mixed review on both side. I also rather not have a family than doing something unethical.

And one of my family member has discouraged me to adopt due to bad experience he has been hearing from other family who adopted (back in the 60’s) He has been hammering my head about how genetic is important and child trauma, kids being trafficked because of people like me, adoptee never forgiving their parents…

I do not care the slightest about passing my genes, I would love a child unconditionally either way. I feel like I want a family so much. Just wondering if there is a “better way” to do things.

I 45m. Am set to meet my birth mother this weekend. I was given up for adoption at a few months old and have only been corresponding with her for a couple months. In a very strange twist a death in her family is bringing her to my part of the country and we decided to meet. I’m really overwhelmed. I knew we’d meet one day but I just didn’t think it would be this quick . Im having to really work on processing all this. Anyways, Wish me luck

Hey, I’m adopted and I’m going to my biological great aunt’s place to get genealogy work because I don’t know my bio parents genealogy and this is my one chance and I was wondering what other questions I should ask her?

Additional information: I haven’t seen her since I was 5 and I’m 19 now

I (30f) have a drug addicted sister (35f) who has a teen child living in a residential facility, 4 kids living with my brother, and one kid living with a foster family. Well, she just had another and the state is asking if I can take care of it or else it will go to a different foster family. The foster family that has the last child is unable to accept this one. The state is looking to go straight to adoption in the coming months due to my sister's history. For context, I am single, make about 130k, have a flexible schedule where I can work from home half of the time, and have a spare bedroom. I have always been responsible and matronly to my family, even older siblings. I am now a pediatric healthcare provider who works with behavioral special needs children so I feel oddly qualified to care for, love. and get this child the services it will inevitably need while allowing them to know their family. Part of me says no and wants to stay solo and travel. The other part thinks that's incredibly selfish, there are less equipped parents who raise great children, and a child isn't the worst thing to have right now. I have a meeting with the worker tomorrow to find out more details on the condition of the child and logistics. Help! Should I adopt this baby? More advice than just "do what your gut tells you" please. I've been a devil's advocate my whole life and can see both sides equally.

I was adopted at birth. The only one of four to be adopted out. And not even the youngest or oldest. I was in the middle with siblings that came after me and got to stay.

Ever since I was born my AM bragged about how I was “such a good baby”. How I rarely cried. How I slept through the night immediately. Which I now know was a trauma response from severing the attachment bond, and a sign of shock in adopted infants. I was apart of the last leg of the cry it out generation of parents too. I turned to ripping my hair out and sucking my thumb to ease my baby brain pain.

I grew up the center of my AM’s world. I was her little performer from the moment my eyes opened. She put me in beauty pageants when I was as little as three. I didn’t get to pick any of my outfits. Everything she chose was what she liked.

If I ever did anything funny I had to perform it for everybody she knew. Every single time we passed anyone we might know. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve recited “ITS NOT A TUMA” from kindergarten cop. Or how many times she made me tell the joke “how many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?” “None, it has to WANT to change”. I had no fucking clue what that joke meant, and had no business reciting it for anyone we’d pass. This was my entire childhood. From before I could remember until I started refusing to indulge her performance demands. I think it was when I could tell other people pity chuckled because they knew I didn’t want to or I could tell they didn’t give a fuck about this random child’s jokes or impressions. I started to read rooms a lot better than my AM that’s certain.

Then it was academics and sports. She tried to force me to play every sport “at least once”. I was not into sports. I was never into sports. She tried to push music on me. I was never musically inclined. I was into reading and writing. She praised me for my writing and encouraged me to write stories. She loved my stories. Why don’t I write more stories? The more she would push the less I would engage. I wanted to do the things I liked because I liked them. Not because she liked them. So then she’d notice I wouldn’t be doing the “things I’m so good at”, and “wasting my potential” when in reality I just wanted to be left alone to enjoy my own interests I had yet to discover.

AM and AF always called me lazy growing up. In the early days I was lazy for not performing for her. In the later days I was lazy because my room was always a disaster. I was forgetful meaning I did it on purpose to piss her off. I was academically gifted, yet would procrastinate to no end. I would daydream by escaping into book worlds or my Barbie worlds. I was a big masker and a big struggler with friendships growing up my entire life. Mostly my AM chalked it up to all being lazy.

Guess what? I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. My AM doesn’t believe in ADHD, she most definitely could never believe there is something wrong with her precious perfect baby. To her I’m just lazy. Not the fact my brain is wired differently for many different reasons than just ADHD alone.

It didn’t help that I gained weight immediately. I remember being bigger and taller than every other girl in my elementary classes. Pair that with me having a strictly “boy” name in the early 90’s and you’ve got a recipe for massive insecurities. Top it with my AM constantly policing what and how much I’m eating, and you’ve got an obese child by 13. It was always “you don’t need that!” “You’re going to get fat.”Like sure, but as a child I want it. What I say to my child now when she wants excessive junk food is: “That’s not healthy, and leads to xyz complications later”

YOU DON’T NEED THAT in reference to food still triggers a rage in me to this day. Which in turn made me eat the thing 10x more as “payback”. Maybe that’s why I did though. Nobody likes a fat performer. Maybe if I got too fat she’d be disinterested in showing me off.

Now that I’m grown with a child of my own, I have been replaced. My daughter became her new target. She made her perform just like she did when I was a child. She would triangulate us. “Your mom was so good, why can’t you be good like your mom was?” “She’s nothing like you at this age. You didn’t cry this much. You actually listened.”

She got her grips in that little girl while I struggled with substance abuse. She used my inebriated state and unhappiness uas a way to weasel my daughter out of me. She sold me on the idea that she should raise my child because I’m struggling as a single parent and she’s raised a child before. And at the time it worked. I let her do most of the parenting while I worked and partied and mostly neglected my parental role for age two and three.

I OD’d right before my daughter turned 4, and that opened my eyes. It opened my eyes to the claws she had dug into my baby, and it opened my eyes to just how snaky and sick my AM is herself. I took my life back. Went to therapy. Kicked any all habits- even nicotine and alcohol! I took my daughter back, and I cut ties.

We’re currently LC- almost NC because I cannot bear to let my child go through what I went through with her. She is so emotionally unregulated. She’s got substance abuse issues herself with her prescribed pain meds. PTSD from her own terrible upbringing. Diagnosed BPD that she doesn’t take meds for or go to therapy for. She says she doesn’t need it. Yet here she is, friendless, divorced, and alone. People can’t stand to be around her because she’s miserable.

My daughter is now 8, and we’ve got a pretty good relationship. We live, I work, and she goes to school all within a mile radius. It’s what we’ve always wanted but never had. I don’t make her perform- she’s usually the one begging me to do some off the wall shit to show people. I have an inkling she is also ND just like me as it is genetic. I don’t call her lazy (unless she won’t hand me the remote that’s on her side just fingers out of reach 🤣), and I let her eat whatever she wants in moderation. I haven’t forced her to play sports, but have let her decide what she wants to try. I encourage her artistic side without pushing, and I let her know her life is up to her with gentle guiding. She’s also forgetful and a procrastinator which does get frustrating at times. But I have to remind myself that I am too.

Idk. Thank you for reading this long rant. I mostly just wanted to know: Did your APs make you perform like their little circus monkey?

I am 24 f and I work full time in autism services. A lot of the children I work with are adopted and I have been considering adopting once I finish my masters degree and purchase a home.

I have been researching adopting a sibling group from foster care so that they can stay together. I'm not trying to have a savior complex but I also would enjoy making sure they have a safe home, consistent support, and access to ​health/mental health/dental and college resources.

Another consideration is that I am white and my husband is black. I'm sure there are special considerations for black children who would miss having a black mother, and I would feel guilty for taking that away. My husband says the best thing for the child's mental health would be to adopt a biracial sibling group.

What are your thoughts? How do I know if I would be a good adoptive mother? What should I know before choosing this over bio kids?​

How does a person join a tribe, when they were adopted out and have no records to prove history. I only have a DNA test showing that I am half native.

My son was adopted at birth. I’m trying to do everything I can to preserve those family connections, but he’s still young (think toddler). His birth family loves him so much.

So far I have:
Saved gifts/cards from birth family
Have an email for communication with birth family that he will probably get the password to someday (shows they think about him/ask about him/share some memories of own childhood)
Asked to take pictures at visits so he has pictures of them holding him when he’s a baby

Obviously, visits will continue, but what else can I do/will he want when he’s older? What would be meaningful for him?

I’m really struggling with something involving my little sister, and I honestly don't know what the right answer is.

My sister is almost 12 and was adopted by my parents at birth through a private open adoption. Her birth mom was addicted to meth at the time, was pregnant with my sister, and contacted my parents about adopting her because she was considering abortion otherwise. My parents adopted her, and they have always wanted her to know about her adoption and have a relationship with her birth mom. They have never wanted to erase that part of her life. But lately things have changed.

My sister has been contacting her birth mom a LOT more than my parents realize. She's doing it through a social media app that she's not even supposed to have, and apparently they're talking privately. When my parents ask about it, she won't tell them what they talk about or let them see the conversations.

And this is where I'm really torn. I don't think my parents should try to stop her from having a relationship with her birth mom. At all. She's allowed to love her. She's allowed to be curious about her. She's allowed to have complicated feelings about being adopted. And honestly, I'm terrified that if my parents try to take that relationship away from her, she'll resent them for it later. I've read enough about adoptees' experiences to know that adoptive parents trying to control or restrict access to biological family can cause some really deep wounds. I don't ever want my sister to grow up feeling like my parents made her choose between them and her birth family.

But at the same time... she's 12. She's having secret conversations with an adult through an account she's not supposed to have, and she refuses to tell her parents what they're talking about. Regardless of who that adult is, that makes me uncomfortable. And because this is her birth mom, I feel like everyone is afraid to set any boundaries because they don't want my sister to feel like they're taking her birth mom away from her. My parents aren't worried because they don't want her to know her birth mom. They are worried because they don't know what's being said, they don't know what is being shared, and they don't know why my sister feels like she has to hide it from them.

And I think that's the part that scares me the most.
I love my little sister more than I can really put into words. I also love my parents, and I know how much they love her. They've raised her for almost 12 years and have never treated her adoption as something she should be ashamed of or something she should forget.

But I also understand that they aren't her biological parents, and I don't want to dismiss the very real feelings she may have about that. So I'm stuck wondering: where is the line between respecting an adopted child's relationship with their birth parent and protecting that child as their parent? Should my parents be allowed to say, "You can absolutely talk to your birth mom, but you cannot have secret conversations with an adult that we're not aware of" Or is that likely to make her feel like they're trying to control her relationship with her birth mom and ultimately damage their relationship?

I would especially love to hear from adoptees who experienced something similar, particularly if you had contact with your birth parents while you were growing up. I don't want my parents to make the mistake of trying to "protect" my sister from her birth mom only to make her feel like they are keeping her from a part of herself. But I also don't think being adopted means a 12-year-old shouldn't have parental boundaries around private communication with adults.

I genuinely don't know what the right answer is.

Long story short: 17 years ago I got my then-girlfriend pregnant when I was 19 and she was 20. We chose adoption because it seemed like the best choice at the time (abortion was off the table for her, and no way were we ready emotionally or financially to raise a child).

Bio mom stayed in contact via the adoption agency, I chose to step back. It made sense at the time. A year ago though I decided I wanted to be in contact. Sent an initial letter via the adoption agency and introduced myself, told my bio daughter I'd like to be in her life, if that's what she wants. She wrote back! It felt euphoric; she's not yet 18 so I didn't expect an answer. I wrote back and answered some of her questions.

It's been another year and got an update from the adoptive parents, but nothing from bio daughter. Now, I know there could be a million reasons she didn't want to write, most of them having nothing to do with me. I plan on continuing writing her and keeping that door open for whenever she decides to involve me more.

But the advice I'm looking for I guess, is just any advice on what to do or not to do. I'm so anxious about disappointing her or weirding her out or coming off too strong. There's no guide for this sort of thing and I know she must carry a lot of feelings of rejection, and I can't take that away; but I'd like to make the reunion as pleasant of an experience as possible, assuming that's what she wants.

EDIT: Guys, I didn't realize you might have to see this from US or US-like POV too, which might have lead to seeing me as a bigger asshole than I actually am. So, to clarify the context of my country:

• We have free education up to universities with cutting edge research, I have personally learned 5 foreign languages for free, universal healthcare (including mental health spa, psychotherapy, addictological centers...), paid parental leave (up to three years), social support (basically you choose a home, do some paperwork proving you don't have enough money for living and you wil get the money), so my country is a heaven when it comes to this.
• No adoption agencies here. You cannot legally buy a baby. No one is getting paid (at least not legally).
• Losing parental rights is huge here. You would have to be seen by a social worker with a needle in your forearm, while your baby cried next to you with broken bones because you were hitting them too hard. Even SA has to be proven really well (and here it must be said that kid saying someone SAed them is not considered to be a good proof, sadly).
• We have a very bio-centered system. Social workers work really hard to return kids to their bio families, even if it's dangerous. They basically try to teach you how to parent properly, and a few kids have been murdered because of this.
• We have a huge charity and charity-like network. Getting stuff for your newborn is a matter of a day - you ask charity, or you write in a Facebook group that you are a parent in need and people will get you clothes, food, furniture, toys...
• The adoption process here is for dedicated people only. You have to go through a 50 hour course, psychologists examine you and your partner (rumours go that they ask you even about your sex-life), social workers go through your entire home and you have follow-up visits by them, and there is a six month period when you have to prove yourself to be a good parent (or the bio parents may step in during this period and revert the process).

Hi folks! I recently bumped into this topic and I keep wondering, why is the POV of meeting bio parents so important for the kids.

I understand there is the need to know one's full story etc., but I still can't understand why it's so strong even in the case of junkie parents, violent ones etc.

I really hope not to sound disrespectful, but let's say those bio parents might be some crazy people who were violent towards you. Someone who deliberately chose drugs, crime... Someone who did not walk the extra mile for you. Someone you would normally despise of.

I imagine that if I were in this situation, I would prefer to keep an image of my bio parents as... I don't know, nice people who just weren't ready, instead of the reality that my folks were just some stupid junkies with the emotional intelligence of a cucumber, who were not able to finish even a high school. Knowing that would make me feel dirty and disgraced. Is this based on some real stuff, or is it just my imagination and the urge to meet them is always there?