Any advice on how to handle a situation with long-distance gf (25F) and her guy friend (25M)
Hi everyone. I did an awful job at keeping this concise but I want to make sure that all the facts and context are known. This is in no way a juicy story or anything, I am really just looking for any advice or insight.
My gf (25 F) and I (25M) have been in an LDR for a year. She is amazing and I feel very lucky to be with her. If we have issues (not many), we can always listen to what the other has to say and talk about it, without yelling or hurting each other with words. We love each other very much. We have also been lucky to visit each other quite often throughout the year.
Lately, I have been feeling upset when she hangs out with one of her guy friends she knew from grad school (we can call him E). This all started back in November. Long-story short: she told me she was going out with “friends” when it was really just him. I only found out because I noticed she was avoiding the topic when I tried to bring it up that night. I had to ask 3 or 4 times who was at that hang, and each time was some variation of the plural “friends”. I noticed she seemed very off, but she eventually came clean and told me that it was just her one guy friend. She apologized about lying, and I remember getting pretty upset. She attributed her lying to family trauma; feeling like it was an uncomfortable topic and like it may make me upset; so she basically just tried to dodge. Despite being upset, I completely understood: we have all lied to protect ourselves from uncomfortable situations. But of course, it left me with questions like “She never lied about hanging alone with other guy friends, why did she lie this time?”. It also left me feeling like I had to regain her trust, because these things can harm any relationship, especially long distance relationships.
From then until the past month, there have been no issues of that type.
Fast forward to the past month or so, I learn that E and his girlfriend break up. My gf and him have been hanging out more. I also learned that overall, he was opening up to and hanging out with other people (also women) as well (I think that’s great). It seems like he may have been closed off during the school year.
Now, admittedly, the first couple of times they hung out, I felt upset. I think it dug up those feelings in the past of distrust, even though she was being honest about spending time with him and even though I had forgiven her in November. Despite this, I still felt like she could have put more effort in to let me know ahead of time that they were going to go out or something like that — but I would usually just find out after they were already together, like when I would text her to see what she’s up to. Ultimately, I think that if I had lied to my partner about hanging with a girl, the next time we hung out I would be sure to let my partner know ahead of time and do my best to keep them updated. Anyway, when they would hang, and we would talk about our days after, I would feel quiet and just kind of upset. I did not do my best in telling her outright that I was uncomfortable. In turn, this made her feel uncomfortable. We have talked about it and have been trying to figure it out.
Here’s the other part of this that has spiked my concern. My gf asked me if “It would be okay if she taught E how to swim at the beach”. By this time, she already knew that it made me uncomfortable when they hung out (this was about a week ago). Personally, I was kind of shocked that this was even a question. I did not get upset with her, we did not fight, but it was just really hard to hear that. She was extremely apologetic, and I could tell she honestly felt very bad about it (crying). Overall, I was glad she told me. But I have this awful feeling in my gut like she was really just trying to make it happen. I feel this way because of the following: after she had offered it up to him in person already (at some party), they made plans for her to go to his apt to help him fix his bike. (She told me this was happening, and I even called her while she was there and she answered). The night before she went to his apt, she asked him over text “Do you still want to learn how to swim?” I feel like you don’t really ask that the night before you hang out with someone unless you’re really trying to make it happen, you know?? In addition, she didn’t even know how to fix the bike and told me she had never fixed something like that before either.
I don’t know guys, it’s gotten to the point where I’m typing this out and it all sounds so sus, but I want to clarify that she is not cheating on me. At the worst, I think I am afraid that he is giving her some type of attention or that she is trying to keep some potential door open. Those are my fears.
I think what upsets me more is that she admits that no one would like to feel how *I’m* feeling, yet she still insists on spending time alone with him. I have told her I would feel a lot more comfortable if they were in a group together or something.
I want to add, the other night they had dinner at his apt. She told me she was going beforehand, she sent me a pic of the dinner to be cute (that was an example of something I told her she could do that might make me feel more comfortable), and called me when she got home. So she put in effort, but I still just feel so weird about this whole thing.
Overall: I will *never* give some sort of ultimatum of “it’s him or me”, but would it be wrong (after the lying, the swimming thing, etc) for me to feel like they should just keep it to a friend group? I really want to work this out with her. Honestly, you can just write your thoughts, anything at all is appreciated. Thank you.