u/Sensitive_Mastodon92

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Im tired of being a simple mortal and being pushed towards an education instead of harassing my inner chakra. Plz how do I awaken my powers, I have tried mediation and staring at plants.

Hello, I'm 22 years old (I go by he/they) and I just wanted to write out my emotions/feelings since I always find myself constantly replaying events in my head even though it has been awhile.

I met her in high school in grade 9 during art class. I got bullied a lot in elementary school and a little bit carried on into high school so I didn't really have many friends. I really admired her because she was really smart, did well in school, and was really athletic too. We eventually became friends because we had a mutual 'friend-ish', which made me really happy.

Fast-forward one year, I was now in grade 10 and we both joined an art club together to create paintings. We were working together as a group, and I didn't get to choose the theme or the reference images (now that I think about it). Since we were usually alone in this art classroom together, "play fighting" sessions would sometimes start. These sessions would usually consist of kicking and pushing, and I went along with it for the time being since I enjoyed it as well. However, since she was much taller than me and stronger, I would be left with multiple bruises. When I expressed my concern that she was kicking too hard, she did not stop or care. She said" I bruised like a peach then" because she wasn't putting that much force into it. This hurt my feelings however I still continued to be her friend because I had developed a crush on her.

Fast-forward one more year or two, now it's COVID, and schools are now online. During this time, I got depressed, and I eventually realized that I was queer and trans. Her and I talked a lot, she bought video games for me so we could play together online, and my feelings were developing. She no longer hit me, because she no longer could (due to COVID isolation), so I liked her even more I think. However, she had started to say transphobic things, such as "trans people don't belong in sports, trans people who use neopronouns are strange, etc." I eventually came out to her, and she apologized for her comments but she still continued them...

Finally, 2 more years pass. I was now in university while she was taking a gap year as a break. I confessed my romantic feelings for her, and she didn't have the same feelings. We remained as friends. However, she hadn't been feeling so great, so I asked her if I could visit her house and we could spend time together.

Trigger warning, I will be explaining what happened to me that night in detail.

I came over to her house using public transportation, she seemed a little moody but everything else was normal. We sat on her couch, chatted, until she started to use the incorrect pronouns for me. I corrected her but she didn't seem to care really, and I got angry. I started the fight and I threw a pillow at her, she threw it back, and I threw it once again. And she snapped. She wrestled with me, which I thought was play wrestling, and she won. She planted me face down on the ground, sat on top of me, restricted me, and would not let go. I pleaded her to get off, I really did. What did she do? She ignored me, and started to watch TV while I was like that. I tried to tell her that I could not breathe, because my head was placed sideways on the carpet intersecting the couch. I was in so much pain. She made things worse for me by removing the couchs pillows and cushions and placing them on my head and the rest of my body. At this point it was hard for me to breathe, I could not talk anymore, and I was so unbelievably hot. I was held like that for 1 to 2 hours. I'm really not sure. I passed out multiple times, she started asking me trivia questions in the middle of it? All I remember was accepting my fate, that this is how I was going to die. That I wasn't ever going to get a real job, I wasn't going to experience getting old, or have my own house/apt and decorate it. When she released me (I don't know how or when), all I remember was being so hot, thirsty, and unbelivably wet. Everything I wore was soaked, it was like I took a shower with all of my clothes. I had no strength at all, and I had the most extreme case of brain fog that lasted for about a week. I lied, and said my sister was waiting for me outside. And left. I walked a block away and texted my sister. She took about an hour to come and I should have taken the bus but my head wasn't working. I got in a fight (verbal almost physical) with her neighbours over a fence idk, I was not thinking clearly.

Triggering part ends

Afterwards, I still texted her and was friends with her, 4 months after this had happened. We never talked about what happened that night, no "sorry", no "are you okay" or anything. We just pretended nothing happened, as if my life never meant more to her. Eventually, i sent a mean joke to her via text, and she freaked out and sent me 15 messages during work about how that was not okay to make. When I was reading the texts on the bus ride back home, I just got fed up. I realized that I was never going to be able to forgive her, and that I hated her in that moment. I texted her that I don't think we should be friends, that I'm thankful for everything (games, comfort, "friendship"), and said bye. I blocked her number, I deleted her number, blocked her on other social media platforms, so I would have no way of contacting her again even if I wanted to. (Since I don't remember her number exactly).

Today, it's been about 2 years since then, and I still can't get over it. I recently tried to hang out at my sister house but I wasn't able to because I kept on having this crazy anxiety and dread that something terrible was going to happen if I stayed here and that I needed to leave. It took me awhile to figure out that it was due to this event, and I still haven't been able to get over it. I was invited to my sisters housewarming party, but I declined because I am just too scared to stay over at someone else's house. However I finished my bachelor degree, and now I am pursuing a master's so I am proud of myself. And I workout now, sort of in response to that trauma, and I'm very thankful that I'm still alive. ☺️

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