I don’t know how to approach divorce
I apologize for how long and confusing this post is. It’s my first time trying to unravel it all in my head. My husband (32M) and I (28F) have been together for 7 years, married for 2. We started dating a couple months after something pretty horrible happened to me, so I kinda latched onto him. I also spent most of my life very insecure and very overweight. I was so happy to find someone that would just love me unconditionally and never want to leave me. That’s what I got. He’s a very positive, nice guy, everyone he meets loves him. Im the opposite, more of a black cat. As the years went on, I slowly felt the incompatibility showing itself. I kept telling myself i was being ridiculous. 4 years in, I decided to focus on myself more, adopt a healthier lifestyle and lose the weight. He never understood my issues with food/weight since he never experienced those issues himself, so he was a bystander but not a support system for me. I lost 130 pounds, and I felt myself changing mentally as much as I was changing physically. The insecurity was melting away, and replaced with a confidence I’ve never had before. For years, I spent so much time cooped up in our house, throwing myself into my hobbies and not wanting to socialize. I suddenly realized I was doing it to distract myself from how in denial I was. I kept telling myself I was with the right person because he loves me and that I should be happy. But his definition of love and my definition of love are completely different.
I started really noticing how incompatible we were in the bedroom first. It’s a once a month event, he would verbally ask if I wanted it, never any kind of foreplay, no passion and only one of us finishes (it’s not me). He always said he was the kind of person that doesn’t need sex. I was okay with all of that for a long time, but I eventually started realizing I want so much more for myself. I realized how important passion is for me, and how much I craved someone that actually desired me.
Once I started thinking about how I was unhappy with our sex life, other issues in our marriage were glaring me in the face. He doesn’t really know me on a deep level, but I know him. He forgets things about me that people I barely know remember. He doesn’t know how to handle, or even notice, when I’m sad or frustrated, he just leaves me alone. He’s an “everything will be fine” guy. That’s his answer to absolutely every issue. I feel like I’m carrying the emotional part of our relationship alone. If I’m stressed about something, he makes me feel like I’m being ridiculous. I rarely feel listened to. But to him, we have a perfect marriage. He’s totally happy. He doesn’t see why I wouldn’t be. I feel like I live with a roommate, not my husband. I asked him about having an open relationship at one point, because we already feel like just friends to me, and he was blindsided and devastated. He said he would never consider being with another woman and he couldn’t believe I would ask about it. So that was shut down right away.
I can’t stop thinking about wanting to get out of this marriage. I just don’t know what will happen to him after. I do care about him as a person, he’s just not MY person. I’m fully aware I’m the problem here, I’m the one that changed things. He’s exactly the same person he was in the beginning. I’m not willing to put in effort to fix the marriage or go to counseling because I’m just not in love with him. I know myself, and I know that’s not going to change for me. I want him to be able to find happiness with someone. He should have left me the second I asked for an open relationship. I would never be able to watch the person I’m in love with be with other people. He deserves better, he deserves someone that is as in love with him as he is with her. He doesn’t really have anyone other than me though. He has acquaintances but no super close friends. He’s not close with his family, and he doesn’t really do anything social. I worry about what happens to him after if I leave. That’s the only thing keeping me here. But I’m miserable. I don’t know what to do.