3 weeks in...
So I did it.
I finally did it.
1 Year ago I wrote a post on here talking about how I was considering to leave.
3 Weeks ago I finally made that decision.
It was a Saturday and I was home with the wife and kids and had been on one of my "walks".
I tried to sit down and play a video game for an hour or so, but I started to feel the rush of anxiety flowing up into my body and mind and I ended up not being able to be around my wife and kids.
I just told the wife that I was having a panic attack and that I needed to be by myself in the bedroom.
I tried doing breathwork to try and ride out the attack but it didn't work. I just shut my eyes and felt awful. I ended up falling asleep in the end which ended the panic attack.
I was so ashamed about how shitty I was and how I couldn't be there for my wife and kids during one of the only days in our busy week where we can be together.
I have been a daily smoker, though not a heavy smoker, for around 18 years (I'll be 37 in August) and have been very functional.
I have built a family, a career and I am training, playing in a band, have loads of hobbies. But the older I have become the more I have been seeing Mary Jane as an obstruction rather than an enhancer. And I was still doing it..
I kept on smoking even when I had minor panic attacks or anxiety because of this plant.
Every day after work I would smoke on my way from the car to my front door, before even saying hello to my family. And I felt ashamed.
Every family holiday I would go for "walks", because I didn't have enough in the people I love the most...
My dad is an alcoholic and toker and is in a really bad state.
2 Weeks before I quit, I had spoken to him over the phone and he had been delirious. He is severely depressed and is not taking care of himself at all. Not eating enough or drinking water. Loads of alcohol and loads of weed.
My brother and I are the only family he has left and my brother has cut him off completely due to the neglect and following trauma my brother experienced during our childhood (I completely understand him). So I am all that is left for my dad.
I cannot cut him off. I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror even though he was not a great dad.
As I have grown into an adult and have learned more about his childhood, I have found that he himself is simply a little neglected boy in a grown man's body. Left by his own dad and having a mother that wasn't very present.
I knew I had to go and visit him after that phone call. He talked about not knowing how much longer he was going to be here.
I found him laying in a pile of his belongings on his couch in his groundfloor appartment. He was sleeping and unresponsive so I broke in through the window (mind you I am 6'5 and 293 lbs so it wasn't easy) because I was so worried for him.
When he woke up he was talking deliriously. His 1 room appartment was FILTHY. His fridge had fallen over and there was rotting food in it and falling out of it. He had 2 feet of filthy plates, cups and cutlery covering his kitchen counter and there was broken glass all over his floor.
I decided that we needed to go to emergency psychiatric institution (don't know the correct name in english) because of how he was acting.
We got sent to the regular ER due to his bio-markers being off and psych wouldn't take him until he had been cleared physically first.
After the initial admission to the hospital I spent 2 weeks on the phone every day trying to have the municipality step in and do a so-called social-sanitation of his living space so he could be let out of the hospital and hopefully get some psychiatric help.
I was doing all this while still working (in a new challenging job) and juggling family life and all my other responsibilities.
I finally cracked.
After having seen how this plant (and alcohol) has been a pacifier for my dad which has left him unable to process his own neglect and trauma, leaving me to act as a father for my own father, and my body and mind telling me that I cannot suppress my feelings and thoughts about everything going on with my dad and in my life through these panic attacks, I have finally made the decision.
I am fairly sure that this time it will be for good.
I have been using the plant exactly how my father has, to numb out life and feelings and to just go through the motions of life. I have been a coward and have been postponing what I knew to be right for so long, but this situation with my father has shown me that I need to fucking do something. In that sense he has been a sort of anti-role model, which I have been able to learn from.
It's scary, but also excilerating.
My first 3 weeks has been way easier than any other time I have been trying to not smoke before. I think I finally have a true "why" as to why I should stop smoking. I NEED to be able to handle shit for my own family, and my dads situation put my use into perspective.
If you got this far, thank you for reading. It feels good to get all this down in writing as I don't share with a lot of people.
My dad is finally in a psychiatric institution and receiving help. Hopefully he will get better and I will be able to be in his company for the last few years of his life.
TL;DR:
I had a big panic attack while smoking on a Saturday at home with my family, due to having to manage my own life + take care of my father who is an alcoholic and chronic weed smoker and mental health patient. His situation finally gave me the perspective to feel ready. I don't want to be ashamed anymore.