u/Shaytai

My husband of 15 years was kicked out because of DV in June, but he and I have had a rocky relationship for a long time now. Prior to the incident, I found out in March from a friend that he and her had been physical with each other for several months. After he was arrested, I had a temporary restraining order against him. His friends turned him away (they were on my side), so he stayed with the friend he cheated on me with.

It's been a long time since I was comfortable talking to him about what happened. He's been trying to reconcile, and I've been testing the waters with him for the sake of the kids being able to see him without needing someone to supervise him for their safety. But I've realized how deep a lot of this goes. I thought it was only the dv and the disrespect, but now I'm realizing how hurt I am over the cheating, too.

It's now October, and he's still living with her. Every time I bring it up, he tells me he has nowhere else to go, that he doesn't want to spend extra money cuz that "isn't fair to the kids," and that he has no other support system (he IS seeing a counselor now). And I'm like, what am I supposed to do, say "okay" and take it?

I confronted him the other day over text and told him that she needed to be out of the picture. He asked, "How out of the picture," which... wow. I told him, "All the way." I told him she has no business in this marriage and needs to be gone if there is to be an us. He seemed hesitant but willing.

Right now, I'm just wondering if I even want him to succeed. Like, I feel like I shouldn't have even needed to ask. He told me about everything he learned about himself and how he realized he hurt me, and this and that, as if he learned from his mistake all while living with her. I keep hearing how he and her have been going on trips this summer and how he cooks special meals for her and I'm like, am I an idiot for buying his "I'm all about you" speech?

I'm so tired. I have two young boys, 9 and 3, one with autism. I'm alone. I'm in a PhD. program and working part-time, and there's times when it feels like "man, it would be easier if there was a second person here," but I can't. I physically shake anytime he's near our place, I get triggered and panic anytime I hear a song about cheating. I go from moments of "maybe things can work out" to feeling like I actually don't want it to work out at all. I just don't know what to do.

I don't have a question, but I need help.

My husband was arrested for domestic violence against me a few weeks ago. He had his court hearings, and I decided not to pursue charges but instead asked for a protection order for me and our two children civilly. This was two weeks ago. Yesterday, I got an email from an attorney stating that she was going to be representing my husband. Today was our first court hearing. So, this was really short notice. My husband's attorney asked for a continuance for two more weeks since my husband wasn't properly served the notice (he's been in canada).

​

Right now, I'm freaking out because he has an attorney, and I really have no idea how this whole process works. I am worried I'm going to essentially get taken down by this professional.

​

Do I hire an attorney? How do fees work? Is there a way to get a cheap or even free attorney? Do I even need one? I've tried my local DV support group, but they haven't been able to help me at all. Just a lot of "I don't know's." I'm scared and don't know what to do.

Still kinda long, but it gets to the point.

​

I (F38) and my spouse (MTF37) have been married 15 years this June and have been verbally fighting nonstop. This past week, I'm sitting in my bed due to depression and, I'll call them David, has plans to go out with our mutual friend to the movies right around bedtime for the kids. It's late, and I'm on Facebook, just scrolling. I found a joke I thought my son (9 years old) would like, and we start laughing. I try to tell David this joke, and they're being odd. They've got their back to me, no emotions, nothing. My son says "Dad's sad cuz he watched a sad episode of Bluey." And I'm like, oh okay, and leave it at that. It's about time for David to leave, and they stand in my doorway and plainly say "come out to watch the kids." And there's something off. So I go "whats the matter?" They don't respond. Instantly, I'm like, okay, this might turn into something, but I try again. "Come on, what's the matter." Again, nothing. So, I'm getting a little frustrated cause they're just not talking to me. I ask "are you going to tell me?" They don't respond. So, I'm like fine. I'm not gonna play games. I squeeze past them to watch the kids and don't say anything. Suddenly, they pipe up. They ask me why don't I push harder to find out whats wrong. I told them because I'm not playing games with you. I asked twice what the matter was and whether or not they were going to tell me. Either tell me or don't, I'm not going to play games. They get mad at me for not pushing hard enough and start calling me names. We go back and forth like this for a moment, with my eldest son getting now concerned. David then jolts forward and shouts "F!$# YOU" as loud as they can an inch from my face. I got scared and my left fist came up and hit them in the jaw. I was so scared they were going to hit me, and so shocked that I reacted the way I did. Halfway to hitting them, I remembered thinking, "Oh my god, what am I doing?" and loosened my fist.

​

​

​

David slid to the ground in shock. I didn't knock them to the ground, they just slid down muttering "you hit me." I was done. I told them they had to leave (they were leaving anyway). They refused. They told me I needed to leave. And I said not without my kids. We went back and forth, mind you our kids are now crying because of this. David blocks our eldest behind them so that he can't get his shoes and come with me. So, I grab our 3-year-old first, wanting to find a way yo get our eldest, too. David, apparently, was not having that. They grab our 3-year-old as well and start this tug-of-war with our younger son. I'm freaking out like, what do I do? But before I can make a choice, David grabs my hair (I have dreadlocks) and yanks my head, making me fall backwards while holding our younger son. I let go, and the baby slips from our grasp as David pulls me to the ground and starts punching me in my face. I return some blows to their face as well. Our kids are screaming at this point. At some point during our arguing, we both threatened to call 911, and I guess David hit dial as we hit the floor because I could hear someone on the phone. So, I shout, "I'm being attacked!" Evenyually, David gets off of me and sits on the couch. They call 911, and so do I. They then got up and took both our sons into their bedrooms, and locked the door.

​

​

​

I told the cops everything, and I was so ready for them to arrest me since I technically landed the first blow. But at some point, while talking to me, they arrested my spouse and took them away.

​

​

​

I watched their first court hearing on zoom the next day and heard the judge read David’s side of the story. I don't know why, but I thought David would have owned up to what they did, but instead was still blaming me. I've been wondering ever since if I was actually in the wrong. CPS got involved and basically told me to "do the right thing." I went to a support center for people going through this to get some help as well.

​

​

​

After the court hearing, the prosecutor asked if I wanted to pursue charges. I was panicking. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want one night to ruin them. David had also just found out that the university wasn't going to renew their contract, and this coming year was going to be their last year. So, they were already having a hard time and were going to appeal it. The prosecutor gave me an extra 3 hours to decide since David's second court hearing was the following day, and they needed an answer. I eventually decided not to pursue charges but to get a protection order civilly.

​

​

​

That same night, David was escorted by police to our place to pick up some things. I. Lost. It. I could not stop crying. I could not look at them. I just was a wreck. The kids keep asking about where their dad is and when they're coming home. Our younger son doesn't know many words but keeps saying, "Where's dad?" I'm heartbroken.

​

​

​

That night, the kids and I (mostly I) decide to leave David a message. We mostly watch YouTube and have it on our TV. It's David's account. I know David likes to watch a bunch of stuff and often goes through their history to rewatch things. So, we used videos to leave a message. I looked up videos that had single words as a title card so David could see it in their watch history. We found four videos and watched them so that the history would read "we love you David" on the video title cards. Cheesy, sure, but I wanted David to know we were still thinking about them despite everything.

​

​

​

So, back to the protection order. In order for the criminal no contact order to seamlessly move to a civil no contacr order, I needed to file paperwork before 1pm the next day, which was when David was scheduled to be in court. I went to the advocacy support group that morning and spent the whole time filling out paperwork. The lady there started scanning the papers at 12:50. Needless to say, I've been on edge the whole morning. But it went through, and the judge informed David that I was going to pursue a civil no contact order.

​

​

​

So, David has been staying with a woman they've been physical with behind my back, but I didn't know that at first. It's four days later, and the police have tried multiple times to serve David the papers for the protection order. Since I didn't know for sure where David was staying until three days ago, when I filled out the paperwork, I gave our address. The problem now is that as of two days ago, David is in Canada....!!! They were already planning to go to Canada for two weeks before everything happened. They just happened to get out of jail in time to go. So, now they're there, the police can't serve them the papers, and I'm wondering what's going to happen now. They can't go to our court date if they don't know about it. There is a temporary order in place now, but now what?

​

​

​

I'm also all over the place emotionally. I want to do the right thing for my kids. I don't think David would ever hurt them (although now I'm not too sure), I just feel like there's a lot of anger and drinking involved that they need help with. They were seeing a counselor at some point but, for some reason, stopped going. They said they were waiting for a trauma therapist because they had a very traumatic childhood, but the therapist was booked months out. When I filled out the civil protection order, I set it for two months (knowing that I can amendment it if needed). The reason was that at the time, I just wanted to see them make steps towards improvement. But then, I found out through our mutual friend that David heard from the trauma therapist the morning the incident happened and had an appointment the following week! So, now I'm like, "Well damn! They got help after all." So, like, what do I do now? Is this good enough to drop the order? Is there some invisible threshold I should wait for to feel safe with my kids around them? Also, I need help with the kids. They don't listen to me, and I'm already working off years of feeling like I can't do basic things around the house. Also, I feel kind of hurt that David went to Canada anyway, like it's just business as usual with them. I'm all over emotionally. I don't know if David and I can recover from this, and honestly, I'm preparing myself for another self-admitted trip to the hospital once they can see the kids again.

​

​

​

I don't know what I'm actually asking for. Maybe some insight or opinions. I'm just a wreck and want to feel peace again.

I created an account to talk about this. Also, sorry this is suuuper long.

​

So, I think I need to start from the beginning. My husband/spouse (and I'll get to reason I say "spouse") and I (F38) met at college and got married in 2011. Things were great as they tend to be, but neither of us were doing what we wanted to do after college. At the time, I was working as a dental assistant, and my spouse went from working at a movie theater to being a janitor at a hospital. Eventually, they said "enough is enough," and they applied to a masters program on the West Coast (we were living on the East Coast at the time). They got in, and we moved across the country so that they could get their Master's in 2013. I think that's when things started to turn south.

​

I got another job as a dental assistant, and they went to school. I was working 10-hour shifts and getting home late, drained, and frustrated with the petty drama of the day. When I think back, there was little intimacy at the time since we were both busy with our days. My spouse, I'll call them David, started hanging around colleagues who were different from our friend group back in undergrad, in that these colleagues liked to drink and smoke Marijuana. We weren't the drinking type. A friend of ours gave us a bottle of wine for our wedding, and I remember David and I trying to water it down with fruit punch because we thought it tasted bad. But I let David hang with these friends (they're an adult and can make their own decisions). I remember the first party we went to was held by the faculty, and David ended up drinking so much that they broke a glass that belonged to one of the professors.

​

One night, at a party a colleague was throwing, David was drinking and decided to try hotboxing with some friends for the first time. David ended up puking all over the toilet of the friend whose apartment we were at for over an hour. I was furious with them at the time, but I tried to let it go since David is an adult and make their own decisions. But I guess this was a sign of things to come.

​

I don't remember the details, but David and I went to a bar with some friends one night, and something happened where we got into a fight. We didn't live too far from the bar, so we decided to walk home. I remember wanting to get away from David because I was mad at them, when they rushed me in anger and tackled me to the ground. It happened so fast. One minute, I was standing. The next, I was on the ground.

​

But that was in the past.

​

Fast forward to 2017, and David and I had a son. David had just finished getting their master's, and so did I (I quit my job and went back to school). But David wanted to be a professor, which meant they needed a PhD. They applied and got into a program back on the East Coast. So, two months after I gave birth to our son, we moved back East for my husband to go to school. However, we were moving from a small, affordable town to the Boston area. I was a new mom and the place we got was expensive and old. Our heating was electric, and in the winters, our bill would be over $300. I was depressed and alone. On top of everything, we lived on a major highway road, so going for a walk anywhere was near impossible. All family lived hours away as well. So, I was on my own with a newborn most of the time.

​

David and I started fighting a lot then. It got to the point that I started dreading when they came home because it most likely meant we would fight. I always remembered going to my room and crying, saying, "Well, I'm never gonna 'this' or 'that' again," trying to avoid fights. What I realized now is that I was killing off things about me. Things I wanted. Things I needed. Just to keep the peace.

​

I eventually got counseling and got put on medication for depression and anxiety. The counselor suggested couples therapy, and David and I agreed to do so. We started going with our baby since we didn't have a babysitter, and it felt like nothing was getting better. Eventually, I had enough and said I was done. David and the couples counselor then both thought maybe it was time for a bit of separation. I agreed, and I got an airbnb in Florida for a month, leaving our son with David.

​

I had such a hard time in Florida. I remember going grocery shopping with a then friend who also lived near where I was staying. I told them that I was sorry if I looked flustered. I'm used to David doing all the shopping and that I was used to feeling like I can't do anything. Like, "Am I buying the right thing?" "I don't know how to check prices," "I'm too dumb to do shopping."

​

David always had a habit of making me feel stupid, but playing it off as a joke, or telling "oh I think you're smart" when I ask them directly, but not seeming like they think that in everyday life.

​

A lot happened in Florida, but I'll skip that. Eventually, I came back home, and it seemed like things might get better. But what I didn't realize is that the damage was done. I still killed off parts of me, and that never healed.

​

Some years go by, and we're still together. We talked and decided to have another baby. At this time, David had just completed their PhD. and got accepted to be a professor at a university back on the West Coast right next to where we were for our masters. I was excited! We were moving back to the West Coast, where we made some good friends. I get pregnant with our second child, and then we head back West.

​

So, there are some things I need to mention. David has always stepped up when it comes to practical responsibilities. They got jobs they didn't want to help make ends meet, they did the cooking, the shopping, most everything, while I took care of the baby and was working on my own depression. Eventually, David brought up that I stopped doing things for them, like going on dates and doing things for their birthday. They would say, "I do so much for you on your birthday and holidays," where I would reply, "You know you don't have to do those things. I never want you to feel obligated to do those things." But it seems like whenever I say that, they take it as nothing they do matters to me when that's not the case. So, I get flustered every birthday and holiday because I know if I don't do something, it'll be a fight, which then makes it hard for me to be genuine.

​

So, now it's 2023. I've given birth to our second child, and I'm feeling guilty for all the work David is putting in while I'm sitting depressed doing very little except for the kids. But to be honest, David did a lot of that, too (feed them, chauffeur the oldest one to school). So, I did what I thought would help, which was do what they did and go back to school. So, in 2025, I started my PhD. program, wanting to contribute financially and get back on my feet.

​

But the problem was we had drifted apart. I spend most of my free time on the other side of the couch, and physical intimacy has all but stopped. We started arguing again where now the argument is that I've done David wrong. That I messed them up for leaving to go to Florida for a month (which reminder: was their idea) and that this lack of emotional and physical intimacy was my fault.

​

I've sat with that for a while (especially since they keep telling me this) and spoke to friends about it. They told me that it wasn't my fault for getting to a place where I no longer feel intimate with this person. I don't know how I feel about this. I have no doubt that I am at least half to blame for us drifting apart, but I don't know how.

​

So, some things happened between having our second child and me going back to school. David would often get drunk at night. It's always a shock when it happens, too. I'd have no idea they were drinking until I realized they are drunk and want to have a "conversation" with me, which usually involved shouting to scare me and throwing things. Sometimes, we'd have a mutual friend over to watch movies with. I'll call her Sharon. So Sharon, David, and I would have these movie nights where David would get really drunk and Sharon would drink, too. I'm not really a drinker, so I usually either pass or have one can of angry orchard. I started noticing that David would get super "friendly" with Sharon when they were drunk, stroking her hand, and hugging up on her. It got to the point where Sharon asked me one day if I was interested in having a polyamorous relationship that included her. I was both surprised and not since I saw the way David was around her. David went from being bi, to pansexual, to I believe demisexual, which is fine. David even talked about opening up our marriage twice in the past, with me trying to be open minded about it but ultimately feeling like I was worried that if David and I got into a fight, I'd sleep with the other person out of spite. I just felt I didn't trust myself/feel comfortable with the kind of maturity that comes with ENM. Plus, that's not what I signed up for.

​

One night, David and I got into a fight just before Sharon came over to watch a movie. I was held up in my room, and they continued without me. I felt so low that night. I remember storming down the stairs and walking past the two and leaving. I got in the car and eventually checked myself into the hospital because I was having unsafe thoughts. Eventually, the hospital let me go home, and David was asleep on the couch. That Saturday was "girls' night," where a bunch of friends get together to watch movies we've never seen. I remember finding Sharon's bra in my apartment before I left and thought, "I'll just bring this back to her at girl's night." I did and made a joke along the lines of, "it's funny how I can trust you so much that I can find your bra at my house and not think you're cheating with my spouse." She was loosey goosey like that where she'd take of her bra if she felt uncomfortable no matter who was around. But way in the back of my head, I felt like "eeeeh this is weird, right?" But I brushed it off.

​

So, back to the arguing with David saying that I'm the problem. They eventually told me they hated me and that I was the one that needed to win them back this time. When I think about it, I don't think they ever won me back, but whatever. I was getting tired of the fighting and the "I hate you," and you win me back, I was starting to feel like we were done. This past November, they said they were debating on telling me something and eventually decided to leave something on the fridge for me to find. It was a note (I dont know what else to call it) from Plan Parenthood stating that David was being prescribed hormones and information about transitioning. I knew this was coming. When we moved back West, David started wearing skirts and perfume. I had a feeling this was coming. I'd like to think I'm super lgbt+ supportive (I feel like that's for the community to decide and not me) and support David fully in their transition (retrospectively maybe naming them David was the wrong thing to do, but I'm going to keep going for the sake of consistency). But I'm straight, and we were already struggling. I started wondering if there was a chance but wanted to keep trying anyway.

​

Thanksgiving rolls around, and David does a lot of the cooking with me helping here and there. I remember getting ready to put the kids to bed and wanting to snuggle up with David and tell them what a good job they did. Our eldest son (8 at the time) did something, I can't remember what, and I tried to teach them to calm down because they were overreacting. David has been telling me that I'm too harsh with our son and need to let up. This time, they felt I was being too harsh again and decided to scold me in front of our son. I got upset because I felt this could have been a talk behind closed doors so that it didn't seem like we weren't on the same page. I said "okay" and was ready to drop it, but David kept pushing. It was clear then they had been drinking. We had our back and forth, and I got up and left to get out of this argument. David then followed me to my room (they always did this when we fought) and continued. I had enough and ignored them. They got mad and punched my foot. That set me off. I got up and punched their chest and told them, "Don't you ever put your hands on me again." I look back on this and wonder if I overreacted since all they did was punch me in the foot.

​

The beginning of March comes, and we're having another fight. And I'm just done at this point. They ask me, drunkenly, if we're done and I tell them yes. I meant it, too. I didn't say it in malice. I felt bad, but also like it was the right thing to do. I took off my rings, and I haven't worn them since (not like David ever wore their ring, though). But that was that. I texted a mutual friend about it, and they asked me, "Do you think it's for real?" I said I think so, and they responded, "Honestly, I hope so." It was odd seeing that message. She was both our friend and she knew David longer than me. So, I figured she'd take their side.

​

So that Saturday I meet up with our mutual friend and Sharon to talk about what happened. We stayed up until 5am talking and venting. But it's something Sharon said that hit me hard and that I should have known from the start. I'm sure reading this you can already guess. Sharon told me that she and David had a physical relationship together and that she thought I had caught them one night (the night I went to the hospital). She told me that it was something I said to her one night that made her realize that I had no idea about the two of them. She told me she spoke with David over the summer and broke up with them because she didn't feel comfortable.

​

I had never had a panic attack before but I lost it. When I got home I tried to got to bed but couldn't stop shaking. The next day I couldn't bring myself to speak to David face to face. So eventually I texted them. This is what I wrote:

​

"Sharon told me you two had a physical relationship and that she thought I knew about it because you told her I said it was okay, until she got uncomfortable and broke things off. She also told me when you left for [blank] you went straight to her house first. (For context, David and I had another fight where they left for the weekend 90 miles away and didn't say anything) Why am I finding this out through her?"

​

Their response was this:

​

"Because I didn't and don't trust you. And I definitely didn't say anything about you saying it was okay. I'm not sure where that came from."

​

Since March, I've spent my days either in school or locked in my room (David has been sleeping on the couch for years for one reason or another, and now that's just where they sleep). Now that school is out, that's all I do. Some days, I'll get up to take the kids to school and daycare and be back by 9am, then go to my room and pass out, only to hear my eldest son come home in the afternoon around 3:30pm. But I've been wavering between emotions and logic. Emotionally, I want things to work out, but logically I don't know if they can. And if they could work out, if them transitioning will make things difficult for me.

​

So, now this week. I'm sitting in my bed as usual and David has plans to go out with our mutual friend to the movies right around bedtime for the kids. It's late and I'm on Facebook, just scrolling. I found a joke I thought my son would like and we start laughing. I try to tell David this joke and they're being odd. They've got their back to me, no emotions, nothing. My son says "Dad's sad cuz he watched a sad episode of Bluey." And I'm like, oh okay, and leave it at that. It's about time for David to leave and they stand in my door way and plainly say "come out to watch the kids." And there's something off. So I go "whats the matter?" They don't respond. Instantly I'm like okay, this might turn into somthing but I try again. "Come on, what's the matter." Again, nothing. So, I'm getting a little frustrated cause they're just not talking to me. I ask "are you going to tell me?" They don't respond. So. I'm like fine. I'm not gonna play games. I squeeze past them to watch the kids and don't say anything. Suddenly, they pipe up. They ask me why don't I push harder to find out whats wrong. I told them because I'm not playing games with you. I asked twice what the matter was and whether or not they were going to tell me. Either tell me or don't, I'm not going to play games. They get mad at me for not pushing hard enough and start calling me names. We go back and forth like this for a moment with now my eldest son getting concerned. David then jolts forward and shouts "F!$# YOU" as loud as they can an inch from my face. I got scared and my left fist came up and hit them in the jaw. I was so scared they were going to hit me, and so shocked that I reacted the way I did. Halfway to hitting them I remembered thinking "oh my god, what am I doing" and loosened my fist.

​

David slid to the ground in shock. I didn't knock them to the ground, they just slid down muttering "you hit me." I was done. I told them they had to leave (they were leaving anyway). They refused. They told me I needed to leave. And I said not without my kids. We went back and forth, mind you our kids are now crying because of this. David blocks our eldest behind them so that he can't get his shoes and come with me. So, I grab our 3-year-old first, wanting to find a way yo get our eldest, too. David, apparently, was not having that. They grab our 3-year-old as well and start this tug-of-war with our younger son. I'm freaking out like, what do I do? But before I can make a choice, David grabs my hair (I have dreadlocks) and yanks my head, making me fall backwards while holding our younger son. I let go and the baby slips from our grasp as David pulls me to the ground and starts punching me in my face. I return some blows to their face as well. Our kids are screaming at this point. At some point during our arguing, we both threaten to call 911 and I guess David hit dial as we hit the floor, because I could hear someone on the phone. So, I shout "I'm being attacked!" Evenyually David gets off of me and sits on the couch. They call 911 and so do I. They then got up and took both our sons into their bedroom and locked the door.

​

I told the cops everything and I was so ready for them to arrest me since I technically landed the first blow. But at some point while talking to me, they arrested my spouse and took them away.

​

I watched their first court hearing on zoom the next day and heard the judge read David’s side of the story. I don't know why but I thought David would have owned up to what they did, but instead was still blaming me. I've been wondering ever since if I was actually in the wrong. CPS got involved and basically told me to "do the right thing." I went to a support center for people going through this to get some help as well.

​

After the court hearing, the prosecutor asked if I wanted to pursue charges. I was panicking. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want one night to ruin them. David had also just found out that the university wasn't going to renew their contract and this coming year was going to be their last year. So, they were already having a hard time, and was going to appeal it. The prosecutor gave me an extra 3 hours to decide since David's second court hearing was the following day and they needed an answer. I eventually decided not to persue charges but to get a protection order civilly.

​

That same night, David was escorted by police to our place to pick up some things. I. Lost. It. I could not stop crying. I could not look at them. I just was a wreck. The kids keep asking about where their dad is and when they're coming home. Our younger son doesn't know many words but keeps saying "where's dad?" I'm heartbroken.

​

That night the kids and I (mostly I) decide to leave David a message. We mostly watch YouTube and have it on our TV. It's David's account. I know David likes to watch a bunch of stuff and often goes through their history to rewatch things. So, we used videos to leave a message. I looked up videos that had single words as a title card so David could see it in their watch history. We found four videos and watched them so that the history would read "we love you David" on the video title cards. Cheesy, sure, but I wanted David to know we were still thinking about them despite everything.

​

So, back to the protection order. In order for the criminal no contact order to seamlessly move to a civil no contacr order, I needed to file paperwork before 1pm the next day, which was when David was scheduled to be in court. I went to the advocacy support group that morning and spent the whole time filling out paperwork. The lady there started scanning the papers at 12:50. Needless to say, I've been on edge the whole morning. But it went through, and the judge informed David that I was going to persue a civil no contact order.

​

So, ten guesses where David has been staying since they were released from jail. I haven't spoken to Sharon since she told me about what happened. Anyway, it's four days later, and the police have tried multiple times to serve David the papers for the protection order. I didn't know for sure where David was staying until three days ago, so when I filled out the paperwork, I gave our address, where they haven't been staying. The problem now is that as of two days ago, David is in Canada....!!! They were already planning to go to Canada for two weeks before everything happened. They just happened to get out of jail in time to go. So, now they're there, the police can't serve them the papers, and I'm wondering what's going to happen now. They can't go to our court date if they don't know about it. There is a temporary order in place now, but now what?

​

I'm also all over the place emotionally. I want to do the right thing for my kids. I don't think David would ever hurt them (although now I'm not too sure), I just feel like there's a lot of anger and drinking involved that they need help with. They were seeing a counselor at some point but, for some reason, stopped going. They said they were waiting for a trauma therapist because they had a very traumatic childhood, but the therapist was booked months out. When I filled out the civil protection order, I set it for two months (knowing that I can amendment it if needed). The reason was that at the time I just wanted to see them make steps towards improvement. But then, I find out through our mutual friend that David heard from the trauma therapist the morning the incident happened and had an appointment the following week! So, now I'm like "Well damn! They got help afterall." So like, what do I do now? Is this good enough to drop the order? Is there some invisible threshold I should wait for to feel safe with my kids around them? Also, I need help with the kids. They don't listen to me and I'm already working off years of feeling like I can't do basic things around the house. Also, I feel kind of hurt that David went to Canada anyway, like it's just business as usual with them. I'm all over emotionally. I don't know if David and I can recover from this, and honestly I'm preparing myself for another self-admitted trip to the hospital once they can see the kids again.

​

I don't know what I'm actually asking for. Maybe some insight or opinions. I'm just a wreck and want to feel peace again.