u/ShyMark1986

Im a 40 year old man who lives with his mother. No friends and never been on my own or had an apartment because I dont make enough money. Only had 1 relationship that lasted 2 years. Other than that I've been single and celibate, not by choice but because im a coward who never takes action.

I work a full-time job, pay rent and pay all my own bills, help around the house (fix things, cut grass, etc) but is that something to be proud of? I don't think so, more like the bare minimum.

The odd thing is that I'm generally ok with my situation until I think about my lack of friends/love life. When I think about my wasted life and how and lack of experience in the dating world I become incredibly depressed and its been that way for the past 15 or so years.

Even though I think about this all the time I never take action, heck, im not even sure how to go about fixing this train wreck of a life. Move out? I live paycheck to paycheck, that would be financially stupid. Online dating? I seriously doubt a woman my age would date a failure like me. The only relationship I've been in was very unique and I cant replicate that. Get a better job? Impossible. My lack of intelligence and crippling anxiety make the job I currently have the only one that works for me.

Im tired of hating myself but I really dont know or have the ambition to change myself. I feel unique and not in the good way. Something is really wrong with me.

My life has been ruined by extreme social anxiety. No friends or relationships, bad job that I'm stuck in because it allows me to operate without too much talking. I've tried therapy and medication but nothing has changed in my life. Because of all of this I've dealt with horrible depression for the last 10 years. All I do is work and then go home. Video games have helped me survive this long but even they have lost their appeal. Im just so tired and mentally exhausted from my loneliness and self loathing. I'm old now and the best years have been robbed by social anxiety. At what point do you stop fighting and just accept that this is all I'll ever have? I know posting this is pointless, not really sure why I bother.