A few random thoughts as I get ready for a conversation
Not really a discussion per se. I'm making notes for a conversation I'm having with my poly partner. A few things come to mind. I feel like the polyamorous community uses a lot of language to be more palatable to a wider audience. What polyamory is at its base is a hedonistic structure whereby the self is satisfied only for the self, not for the greater good of the relationship. But because they don't want to look like sex-crazed heathens, they call it "limitless love" and an "alternative" relationship lifestyle. Oh yeah, and ethical lol. Ha.
While monogamy can certainly present as selfish within the individual people, the foundation of monogamy is making compromises for the greater good of the relationship unit as a whole - the sum being greater than the parts. Compromise is something that polyamorous people do not want to do whatsoever.
I 100% believe you can love more than one person. I love all my friends after all. In theory, I suppose I could love two men intimately at the same time. Can't say I've ever actually had that experience, and I have lots of experience with men. I can tell you, though, that if I found myself loving two different men in an intimate relationship kind of way, I would not call myself polyamorous. I would just be single. There's no possible way that, in the long term, either one of those relationships is going to sustain at any meaningful level. Polyamory has this weird obsession with all things being equal, but the fact of the matter is that all human relationships are completely hierarchical.
I have zero doubt that my partner would completely cheat on me and call it polyamory. There is no room in his worldview for anything outside the neat little box created by all the books and podcasts. It all looks great on paper, but when you actually practice it with real human beings, things get really fucking messy. This is why they need to have all their structures and vocabulary and rules and regulations, so everyone can conform. It is very cult-like in that way. Conform, conform, conform.
I have a friend who's monogamous, although she is now practicing ENM in her marriage in a way that feels almost like desperation. Her husband sprung the polyamory on her. He blows through their agreements, rules, and boundaries all the time, and yet she still stays with him. There are no kids, so I totally don't get it. As is frequently the case in heterosexual couples, she's amazing and fabulous and interesting, and he's kind of a toddler. And the polyamory makes him even more so.
I think what really makes me sad is that I think about the compromises and work I've done in my monogamous relationships, and I have experienced a lot of personal growth because of that. I look at my partner, who wants what he wants when he wants it with whoever he wants it with, and damned me or the relationship as a whole, and I see very little personal growth in him. We've been together for a while, and he has not changed. I have radically changed.
There really is zero pressure in polyamory because you can just walk away and get another partner. No one ever has to experience actual, real loss (death aside, obviously). No one has to do any actual conflict resolution unless you really desperately want to keep fucking this person. But you definitely don't have to make compromises, gaze at your own navel, or take ownership of your behavior that hurts other people. After all, if people are hurt, that's their own problem. Has nothing to do with you.
I did for a while kind of feel that maybe it was more of an orientation, and I now apologize for saying that anywhere. It's totally a choice. I've had crushes on people when I've been in a relationship, and guess what? I didn't act on them! OMG! How did I manage not to do that?!
Obviously, that means that monogamy is also a choice. I don't have a problem with that thought. Eating lima beans is also a choice, but you will never see me do it because it makes me sick to my stomach. If the idea of being monogamous makes you sick to your stomach, then by all means don't be monogamous. But don't try and say that monogamy is some kind of unnatural human state. That's just completely moronic.
I know polyamorous people will say that polyamory is so freaking hard, but it is absolutely not. Absolutely not compared to maintaining a healthy long-term monogamous relationship.