u/Significant_Fig_4756

This is more discussion based than asking for specific routine help so I hope it’s okay here.

I’ve been really struggling. I’m 34 so still relatively young, and up until like a year and a half ago was mostly okay with the way my face looked as I was starting to have some small signs of aging. However, I went through a stressful event and got covid for the first time about 18 months ago and I swear it caused rapid aging because my facial structure changed completely. Before, I always had a face that was pretty smiley and relaxed looking. I have pretty strong features (dark eyebrows) but they were counteracted with the general softness of the rest of my face.

The signs of the aging that occurred really feel like they came out of nowhere and happened quickly. My under eyes hollowed out completely, and my nasiolabial folds are deep and pull my mouth into a frown. I feel like I look SO severe and angry with my dark eyebrows, tight/drawn face that has lost all of the volume, and downturned mouth. My eyes even look less bright because of the orbital fat loss? It’s hard to even understand how my face changed so severely and I’m scared to go on one of those subs that tells you the ways that your face should be improved to get someone to analyze it more.

The part that I’m struggling with the most is that I look straight up mean now, like a mean person or someone who has been frowning their whole life. It’s really messing with my head because I don’t feel like I’ve been that way or frowned excessively, I’ve tried to live a life with joy/compassion/laughter etc. I feel like there’s so many moral judgements that exist around aging in this way that I have internalized from hearing over the years. For example how everyone was saying that Karoline Leavitt aged “badly” because of hate. That whole discussion online tripped me up so much because I feel almost like I did something wrong or deserve this or am being punished because of how I’m aging.

I keep going for “radical acceptance” but it impacts my day to day life so much. I just feel embarrassed about looking this way. I feel like even when I smile now (which I try to do a lot to look more approachable) I still look more mean/angry/drawn than how I feel. I know it’s silly but I always hoped I would age to be one of those sparkly smiley old women and instead I look miserable and ill. I wanted to approach aging with grace but instead feel so depressed and feel like I can’t adapt and it’s not feeling any better over time.

Sigh. I guess I’m partially just venting/grieving, but also curious if anyone else has dealt with this same feeling, like sadness over how your face doesn’t match your conceptualization of yourself, and discomfort at how much people just assume you are a bad person who lived a bad life if you age in a certain way. I’m feeling pretty desperate and am at the point where I’m considering trying to get filler or something to counteract it but it’s really the mental part that I’m having a hard time navigating.

Like… random crying jags where I sob uncontrollably (right now). Despair about my life. Feeling like my brain is broken. I’m doing all of the stuff, exercise, supplements, affirmations, therapy, have an amazing partner. Even having pretty frequent intrusive thoughts about how my life is over and I would be better off dead.

I don’t even know what to do. Was anyone else still having multiple days a week where they had crying/despair fits this far out? I used 25-30 gpd for 5 years so I recognize it’s going to take some time but it’s been months of this at this point and it’s really, really wearing on me. I feel like the depression is winning and I’m not healing. I feel so hopeless and broken. I wasn’t like this before kratom I don’t think.

Im at 11 weeks CT and I am still so cold all the time 😞 it’s making me miserable, like it’s a high of 65 today but I’m freezing under a blanket in my house. I have put on 5 pounds and am working on weight gain since I was clinically underweight on K, but I’m wondering if my cold sensitivity is due to PAWS as well. Anyone had any experience with this?

Hi all,

Im about 10 weeks out from quitting a 5 year, 25-30 gpd habit. I’ve been feeling a lot better in some respects, like physically better, sleeping better, etc. However one thing I can’t shake is the weird feeling of not even knowing who I am anymore and intense depersonalization.

Before quitting, and maybe due to the artificial energy/motivation k gave me, I was an artist with a bunch of budding ideas about future projects and I was getting super involved with the local art community. I loved gardening, volunteering, cooking and traveling. While I had the shame of prior addiction I was always working through, I felt proud of myself and like I knew who I was at least - personality traits, my family/region I came from, my history, all of the things that make up your identity.

All of these things feel super distant now. I haven’t managed to make any art since I quit. I’ll have ideas float through my head but can’t bring myself to just sit down and do it. I look around at myself and my life and just feel so much shame and like I don’t know what I’m doing and everyone else does. I’m not doing my old hobbies because I just feel totally unmoored and unable to bring myself to do them. I just feel like I don’t even know who I am at all anymore or what my purpose in life is. I’m Also comparing myself so much to people online, strangers and people I actually know in real life, jealous of how certain everyone seems, because I’m consumed with this feeling of self doubt and just a lack of even knowing who I am. This is all new to me, I’ve never compared myself in the past as I always felt secure in knowing the things that I like.

Does anyone have any tips on ways to “get back home” to yourself and feel like a whole human again? I feel so lost right now and don’t even know where to start.