I suspect my wife's cheating on me
TLDR: Suspect wife (higher-earning, senior job) is having an emotional/possible physical affair with a divorced male coworker. Past incident: caught her on a late-night video call with the guy, spiraled into a suicidal-ideation episode, got counseling, we talked and moved past it. Recently: saw the guy near her workplace, she’s coming home later than usual, and her location tracked off-route near where the guy lives. I handle most parenting/household duties while she’s mostly absent/exhausted, and only physical contact is when she wants a massage. I don’t want to confront her, hire a PI, or file for divorce — I’m asking for outside perspective and am open to an amicable separation if it comes to that.
I am here to get things off my chest. I suspect - underline suspect - that my wife is cheating on me.
I know, I am being a selfish, possessive bastard. If she's not interested in me and likes someone from her office more, that's her life and choice. But somehow it hurts. I've been living with this inside me for a few weeks now. It's a recurring wound that has opened up again.
I had gone through the whole cycle of depression after the last time I had suspected the same, and received help through counselling. I requested the mental health counselling as I saw myself as suicidal. I didn't want that for myself, my wife and my kid. But now that the snake has raised its hood again. I am struggling to deal with it.
I know it is someone from her work. He is divorced and has moved to the US. Last year, I caught her on a video chat with him late at night. I had gone to sleep, but woke up to pee, and saw her having a video chat with him in the other room. I saw his face on the phone - her back was to me. She noticed I was awake, and they closed the call - it wasn't work they were talking about - just chatting. I spiralled after that. One day, I shaved off my hair. A few days later, it occurred to me that for someone who likes his looks so much, to have taken that razor to my hair in a burst of anger - if I had a gun in my hand, I'd have shot myself too. And that scared me, and I reached out to a counsellor. They advised me to speak to my wife. I did. We had a round of crying and apologising, and that was it.
Or so I thought.
A couple of weeks ago, she called me because our car stalled close to our place of work. Our offices are nearby. So I walked down to where she was. As I was walking, I saw the guy walking in the opposite direction. I thought I'd imagined it, or perhaps it was someone similar looking, and I ignored it. But since that day, I noticed she's been coming back late from work. Not very late. Just later than usual. Usually, she would come back in the afternoon to avoid traffic and then take calls from home. For the past few weeks (since the car breakdown), she's been coming back late in the evening and still taking office calls from home. Just yesterday, I saw her on FindMy on the way home, but she was way off route - closer to where he stays. She may have dropped him or perhaps another colleague. I have no way of knowing. She didn't mention anything when she got back home - she was on calls.
Her role is demanding. She earns 2-3x as much as I do and holds a senior role at her company. She barely has the time or energy to even talk to me or look at me. I manage my time, come back home early from work to make sure my son isn't home alone. Or take exceptions to work from home now and then as needed. In the mornings, I get my son ready for school while she sleeps. I pack his tiffin, give him his milk, etc. And she barely even checks into the kitchen. If the maid's on leave, she orders food in.
I feel I am giving this relationship and the family everything I can, and she is not. And she is way too busy with her life and work to even acknowledge our presence. The only time she needs me is when she needs her shoulders, back, or legs massaged. That's the only physical contact we have.
I don't even know what to do. I am having thoughts of separating. I am ok with an amicable separation. I don't want to be that needy bastard who says please love me and no one else. I don't want to be the arsehole who suspects his wife, when there is nothing more than work pressure. But I cannot help but think the thought I am thinking.
I am putting this out here so that I can get some diverse perspectives. Please let me know your thoughts. Jokes will make me smile. Taunts will make me hate myself .. or her a little more. What would be more helpful is if you could help me get some perspective on this situation. Put yourselves in my shoes and let me know what you'd do.
I don't want to have her followed. I don't want to initiate a divorce. I am OK to say yes if she wants to separate. But let me know what other options I have. Telling her that I suspect her will only get me more crying and drama. And of course, she will deny it, whether it is true or not.
Of course, there is much more to the story than I can relate here. I can't put down 18 years of marriage into a single post. I am not perfect and haven't made all perfect choices. But here I am cribbing about the choices she's inflicting on me. Given what you have above, go ahead, do your best or worst. Let me see what comes of this.
I am hoping some of you out there will speak up for my wife, too. I'll be grateful to receive some alternative perspective.