u/Silly_Accident3137

I've been having trouble putting into words how this feels! It's almost like I'm driving off the map my dad left for me.

I was 9 when he died, and I'll be his last age at 31 in a few weeks. (He struck me as so adult back then! But I still feel like a confused kid at this age. I wonder how much he felt the same way.)

It's been tough to grow up without him around. Now this upcoming birthday feels like a strange threshold that I'm really uneasy about crossing. How can I be allowed to outgrow him? It doesn't feel right.

I know no one can tell me what my actual dad might say. But if any dads out there are willing to indulge me in a hypothetical exercise...

What would you tell your kid if he were in this situation, and you could reach out and give him some advice to take forward as he tries to navigate on his own? How can he honor you on this weird milestone birthday? And how can he make sure he does you proud in life?

In a few weeks I'll be 31, which is the age my dad was when he passed away from cancer.

I look a lot like my dad did in the last years I remember him before he got sick. So much so that I've been struggling to even look in the mirror lately. The idea of seeing my dad's face age past 31 feels wrong, somehow. Why me and not him?

I keep thinking that. I had a minor health scare recently and funnily (...) enough, needed a biopsy to rule out cancer. Which was, to be honest, terrifying. Imagine the universe putting that on me like some kind of cosmic punishment for daring to feel weird about aging past 31... come on. You're really going to give me cancer at the same age my dad was diagnosed with it? What the fuck is that about. I was a slight wreck about it.

It's all clear, though. I'm fine. Objectively great news and I should be glad. I am glad. But I also keep thinking "why me and not him"? What did I do that let me keep living when he wasn't allowed to?

I think I've always looked to his example, for as short a time as I had it. It's been hard enough up to now, trying to know if he would be proud of the person I am, when I haven't seen him since I was nine years old. But if I outlive him? Where's the guide? I don't even have a distant memory of what he was like past 31, because it doesn't exist. I have nothing for this. What's the standard of the person I should be after this?

I know this doesn't actually make much sense. And I'm truly grateful to be healthy. I should be more grateful. I have a lot of amazing things in my life that I never would've thought I could have, not the least of which is my brilliant spouse, who cried with relief when we found out I don't have cancer. (What right do I have to have someone so sweet in my life, and to force my spouse to go through my stupid emotional rollercoasters with me? Is another thing I've been asking myself. What right do I have to have any of the good things in my life?)

I should be that happy too, though! It's great news. I shouldn't be here raining on our parade with my weird thoughts. But my spouse has been asking me how I want to celebrate the good results and my birthday, and I just don't know. I feel the opposite of celebratory about any of it.

Man I just wish I could see my dad. Not the weird impression of him that is my face, but my actual dad. It's so unfair that I can't.