u/SilverSelene29

Last night I did something very scary. We went out to dinner and the waiter came with the check and my husband said give to my account pointing to me as a joke but my purse was on the other side of the table. He handed me his phone to use ApplePay and I got nervous I knew it would take me a minute and he would get upset.

Sure enough it took me a while and after I paid he started berating me saying I have told you how to use this 30 times I am asking you to be in charge and your hands are shaking and you are fumbling making me look like an abusive husband. I just stayed silent I couldn’t believe this was happening again and I thought I can’t keep doing this

Then we walked out to find another bar and I was doing deep breathing to calm my nervous system. He said you know you deep sigh about 80 times a day I replied I do it to calm myself he said yeah because of me do you know what it is like to live with someone who sighs all the time. You have no plan where are we going? I said we are looking for a bar and he said we just passed 5 that I like. I was so out of it I don’t notice. I told him every time I suggest something he yells at me. Over the last 3 months I have moved us from a 4 bedroom house to an apartment that he know hates because of scratches on the floor and countertop by myself work a full time job, manage the money and pay all the bills and he has been suicidally depressed I get it but I have a lot of my plate. He is in a fragile childlike state he tries to do what he can but most days it is a struggle to get out of bed

Anyway He got mad and walked away. I went back to the new apartment waited to make sure he could get in he hates carrying keys and the packed a bag and told him I was going to sleep at the old house since I needed to be there early the next morning.

He sent this text after I left: I’ve spent all week suicidally depressed and begging for help and you leave me. You work so hard to be my dutiful helper but seem to have no investment in being a partner. We seem to be in a place beyond broken. How the fuck do I reach you. I have never walked away before but I told myself I was going to protect me. I think I am done he views the world through Dominance and submission and wants a MommyDom I want an equal partnership. I will make sure he is housed and financially stable to be able to Heal his mental health and recovery from his trauma but I want to live.

Edit: Partner is BPD, Autistic and OCD

Please bear with me this is long. I think it is time I said the thing to him that he has said to me: “this isn’t working”. My partner of 10+ years had BPD, autism, OCD and agoraphobia. For years I agreed to manage the household he was the CEO and I was the worker bee. His needs came first I did all I could to keep him happy. He dated other people I didn’t and if he allowed me to flirt with others he had to be involved because he knew he would never leave me but I might leave him. I worked a very stressful job but through hard work I managed to perform well and earn a mid six figure salary. I let him buy whatever he wanted and I covered it we moved multiple times because he got into fights or hated something about the place the front desk, neighbors etc I managed the moves by myself, he controlled our lives, made comments that I needed to lose weight he pointed the direction and I pulled him in the wagon behind me. I suffered physical and verbal abuse as a child I thought that was what i deserved I thought love meant keeping someone happy.when he hurt me I said nothing I just went my turtle shell or read fantasy novels to dream of a different life.

Two years ago during a job transition I went abroad on a solo trip it changed my life. I wandered the city alone I stayed in an Airbnb with a wonderful woman and we talked late into the night. While I was therehe told me I could meet other guys but I had to send him pictures or videos. I hopped on the dating sites and met a nice guy I didn’t take photos or videos after years of having sec the way he wanted I had sex for me. It felt amazing and made me realize there was nothing wrong with my body. The guy took me around the city typical travel romance. We stayed in contact and when my his asked if we were still texting I lied and said no he found the texts and was angry it was wrong and I was too cowardly to say you see other people why can’t I?

His job was stressful for him and impacting his health I told him he could quit and I would take care of us. I thought if he didn’t have to work he would get better. It got worse he felt like a failure hated our simple house amd our neighbors he yells at me in anger and fear that he can’t stand to be in his life. He has food and alcohol issues and watches what I eat and drink.

Sometimes he can be so kind he saves YouTube videos for me - he watches a lot of YT made a World Cup guide for me then got angry at all the time I spent watching the WC. He yells and vents his frustrations at me I know it is not about me and where his life ended up is not my fault he says his yelling is it about me but it still makes me fear him.

I go to therapy to learn how to communicate and hold my boundaries. He hates the word boundaries his parents didn’t listen to him and prepare him for life and neither do I in his eyes.

I love to travel and he has panic attacks leaving the house. I tell him the yelling scares me and makes me retreat from him he says he yells because I don’t llisten and he feels alone and scared and after 10 years I still don’t understand how to do the household chores the at he wants

I rack my brain for the right thing to do to help support him. I find three therapists none of the work and he feels angry at me because I found them.

Trauma led me to think this was normal healing from trauma made me realize this is broken and I have been drowning with him when I know how to swim. I think this is it but I still feel like a guilty failure he didn’t hide who he was and I signed up for it. He lets me flirt with other guys and gI feel safer with them than him. Young me is watchingv from the sidelines sad, horrified and hopeful. I need to be brave but I have no strength left. My therapist says take it one step at a time I can do hard things I hope he is right.

Deep down he is a good person I think I wish he could understand you can’t get back what is already gone you have to forge ahead as I must do now.

I woke up crying this morning. My partner had BPD Autism and extreme anxiety that manifests as OVD and agoraphobia. He lost his job due to autistic burnout luckily I make good money in tech. We bought a home in the burbs and he hates it it is a basic split level but it is not luxury but it is affordable and I like it. He feels stressed by home management and resents the money we spend on a home he hates. We live next to a park that is noisy in the summer with an annoying neighbor so he doesn’t feel safe or able to recharge at home which causes a lot of rage. We are planning to sell and move to an apartment but he often says moving and getting rid of all our stuff will destroy him he doesn’t know if he will survive it so we are trapped in a double bind. This cycle has happened in every place we have lived over ten years so deep down I think he knows this is partly a problem of liquidity we just can’t afford to have a quiet house in the suburbs and a small condo in the city which is what he wants so he has the best of both worlds whenever we just have one he becomes unhappy over time. I am just want a simple life a living space I can afford and reflects me I don’t need luxury which makes him feel guilty and trapped.

He often mentions that my life would be better without him and last night after an epic meltdown was the first time I didn’t disagree with him. I woke up crying on the verge of what I think is a panic attack. It occurred to me that this is what he must feel like all the time and it is horrible and I feel so guilty for considering a life without him when he needs help. He has tried therapy but they have not worked out either because they cancellled too much or they wanted to refer him to another person or a type of therapy he didn’t want. Now I feel like I am in a double bind I feel horrible for wanting a different life and deep down I know this isn’t working

I am going to talk to my therapist about all of this I guess I just wanted to share my thoughts with someone