u/SimoneSkies

I’ve been trying to take a 31 day break for two years. Been smoking since 2019, and it revolutionized my life. After a lifetime of trauma, weed allowed me to feel my feelings and think my thoughts w/o pain. I could analyze them in my body and not feel like I was dying. What was a tool to evolve and grow w/o pain became a crutch within a year and a complete hindrance to my progress by year 4, because I become fine with mediocrity. I’ve taken breaks but they all felt like holding my breath until I could smoke again. It’s been 7 years, I’m 28 and have been working on my internal world nonstop (through journaling) in preparation for this break, and May 1st, I finally did it! Even though my dog died 2 days later, I stayed present with my pain and grief and I didn’t smoke! I have so many things I wanna do in my life that I know I won’t accomplish if I’m numbed by weed, and my 20’s are almost over. I’m not where I wanna be physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually and I out my foot down, and my importantly STUCK TO IT. I kept my word to myself after years of breaking it. So so so proud of me. I’m back in the gym, saving money, in therapy and taking my life back. I refuse to go back to smoking until my goals are accomplished, but I also keep telling myself “oh sure you can go back soon, it’s really only 31 days” knowing damn well I can’t get snatched in that time but whatever, my brain accepts the lie enough to keep locking in. Just wanted to brag on myself and if anyone is reading this and thinking similar things, go for it!!

I have lived an very interpersonally isolated life. I was a Black girl in a sundown town; if I wasn’t being targeted by racism, I didn’t exist. Having a white mom meant dealing with racism for 8 hours at school, coming home to explain it, and being disregarded because “she’s sure that’s not what they meant.” It was so lonely and painful I felt like I could die from the ache in my chest. I never made friends, and when I finally tried, I was so out of practice that I assumed everyone would hurt me. I failed a lot.

In 2019, I reconnected with someone from high school. We began hanging out and I was on cloud 9. I’d never had a good friend before, much less one who wouldn’t leave when I set boundaries. I was so devoted to him. From supporting him so he wouldn’t go homeless during a depression, to planning a surprise party for his favorite anime, I loved celebrating him. He never asked; I just loved doing it for my true friend. We both agreed bdays were special because it’s the one day all about us. He even said his love language was acts of service.

In 2024, he found new friends while pursuing his dreams as a performer. I didn’t mind, and was happy for him. As my bday approached, he didn’t ask about plans. For his bday, I had taken him to see Beyoncé; he swore if he had money, he’d do the same for me. All I usually ask for is a nice letter because I hate "stuff." Doesnt cost money, just time and love. My bday came and the only thing I got was a “happy birthday bitch” text. He is gay so I'm more leniant with him calling me a bitch than straight men, but with the situation, it felt like I was being called the slur for women, not joking between friends. I was devastated. A few days later, I saw his Facebook had loving bday posts to his new friends. I “broke up” with him, but when he text saying he was sorry but “couldn’t promise things would change,” I folded like the “no-friend-haver” I was and took him back.

It’s been nearly 2 years since that happened, and I’m just now fully processing how not okay it was. Last year, I asked for a letter and a day of painting, but one of his new friends ruined it by making it about them. I keep trying to forgive him, but my body genuinely shuts down when I’m near him. His love language is acts of service and he didn’t do the one thing he knew I wanted, knowing it would hurt me. So, 1+1=2: he doesn’t love me. All my devotion feels stupid now, especially as I make new friends who would never treat me this way.

I have to stop myself from buying him gifts or texting him memes because it feels like I’m being taken advantage of. Before this, I wouldn't have thought twice about spoiling him. I grew up hearing that a man who makes you sad on your birthday hates you. Did he dislike me the whole time? Was it all an act for 5 years? I feel like a loser for not seeing it before and taking him back just because I love him. I can’t tell if I’m being too sensitive or if I need to call it quits. AITAH bc I can’t get over this?