Wife Strongly Suspects But We Don't Discuss it
My wife and I have been together for over 20 years. About 15 years ago she discovered gay porn on my computer and some x-rated emails (no actual hookups) with random guys on CL. Without going into all the details it got extremely ugly for a long time. She accused me of being gay, a fraud, and having deceived her. She threatened to leave multiple times but stayed I think mostly because we had young kids at the time.
I didn't know how to handle it at the time. I knew I wasn't gay so of course I denied it but for her there are no grey areas. If you're looking at gay porn and talking to guys online you're gay, end of story. I couldn't even tell her I was bi or bi-curious. She wouldn't have believed me, would have been just as repulsed, and it would probably have been the tipping point of her leaving and taking the kids. So, instead, I told her that I had a porn addiction and that the porn caused me to go places I never thought I'd go because of the constant need to find a new high. This was literally true but not the full story, which is that while I had grown up feeling 100% heterosexual and had never lost my attraction to women, gay porn opened a gateway in my mind that I might not have ever explored. This is also because I had zero attraction to guys that I would see on the street in everyday life, either romantically or sexually. When I see guys having sex with other guys on screen though, it is an incredible turn on. Now, many years later, I know that it is not just a porn thing, I know that I am bisexual because I am now attracted to certain guys that I see on the street and if I was single I wouldn't hesitate to have sex with them.
As for my relationship with my wife, after going through several rocky years after the porn discovery, it has never been better. We remain very much in love, have a great sex life, and are compatible in almost every way. At this point I honestly don't know what she thinks about my sexuality because we haven't discussed the issue in many years. It's become a "don't ask, don't tell" kind of thing. She doesn't spy on me or search my computer anymore. This is good on the one hand because there's no friction but not good because I would like her to know how I truly feel. I have no intention of cheating on her but I still watch gay porn and I don't know how she would react if it comes out again. I now think our relationship would survive it if I had an honest conversation with her but I think deep down she would rather not know. She probably knows that I am bisexual but would rather pretend that I am not because she can't imagine herself with anyone who isn't completely straight. (She is Gen X. While most Gen X women are open minded about sexuality when it comes to others they are not open minded about it in their own relationships.)
Not sure what to do. If anyone has any insight I would love to hear it.