u/SingingForRin

I'm aware the NHS waiting list for diagnosis/hormones/etc is meant to be crazy long, but I was wondering if the general consensus was that it's best to get referred and put on the waiting list first OR seek private help and once established with hormones on that to get added to the waiting list?

Apologies if it's a stupid question. I would like to get the ball rolling also don't have the best finances so would prefer to go private for as little time as possible.

Apologies if the title is rubbish, I really wasn't sure how to sum this up. Also, writing this bit after typing everything else out, this will be a long one as it seems I need to spill a lot of what's been running around my noggin.

For context, I've just turned 42, AMAB, and a couple of months ago I officially came out as non-binary. It's basically how I've described myself since being a child but never "officially" adopted it. After some thought I finally took it on and...the floodgates opened!

It seemed to release me to act more me and I noticed how much I was hiding or covering up. This is all great but that quickly made me realise that this might go further. Cue a lot of panicking, questioning, googling, etc. I'm basically trying my best to let things move somewhat gradually, just keep trying more fem clothing etc and try not rush myself. Sadly being neuro spicy my brain also wants to problem solved instantly!

Sorry, I'm somewhat rambling.

Yesterday, for the first time I bought a few items of women's clothing in a couple of shops - both times gave massive but different emotional hits. First one I got upset because I built it up in my head, expecting to be questioned or shouted at, and then...they put through my stuff pleasantly and without anything out of the norm. Causing me to suddenly feel relieved but incredibly stupid. The second time I wasn't sure on the sizing for some jeans so built the courage to ask a member of staff, expecting the worst, and they were just really nice and helpful. It just made me so happy!

Today I finally braved a big fear: shaving my face. I have kept my facial hair for about the last 17 years. Always joking to people it was "anything to help hide my face", though I knew this was never a joke. I did it though! I'm clean shaven. But I feel a little let down that it didn't seem to give an instant answer or euphoria hit. I'm not sure if that was me being wrong in expecting it to bring about some huge revelation or what. I am glad that it now seems to mean the gender swapped version of me in FaceApp doesn't come back wearing make-up - it shows if I go that route that looking that way is actually attainable (and I definitely prefer the face that shows to my current one).

I'm sure it's what most people experience through their gender questioning, but I just feel lost and unsure and...scared. I only ever really see stories of people seemingly having the instant realisation of "I AM *THIS*!" and it's obvious and clear. So maybe I'm just being stupid.

Obviously I don't mean this to just be attention or pity seeking or whatever. Just wanted to kinda put it out there and see if it was similar for anyone else.