u/SinkerPenguin

So here's the shortest i managed to make it: for about 10 days my partner (of 5 years) and i have agreed to open our relationship, only for sexual but non-romantic partners. This is after I, myself, suggested it. I do not have any plans or really any interest to find someone else myself, at least for the foreseeable future, i made the suggestion because i know my partner has had a crush on one of her colleagues (can't blame her tbh he is very hot) and he had been pretty clearly also interested in her. I trust her completely, she has not tried to hide her infatuation and had no intention to act on it until i brought up the fact that i'd be okay given some mutually agreed upon terms for how that would work. I don't regret making that proposal and my trust in her remains intact. I also fully expected that some parts would be hard, weird, uncomfortable, etc... and was confident that this would bring more positivity than otherwise in the end.

Things have moved pretty fast after we talked about it and agreed on our terms. They spent a night together last friday. Spending the night alone while not 'easy' was easier than i anticipated, i kept myself busy and while i had trouble sleeping i didn't ruminate too much or felt uncomfortable at the thought of her sleeping with someone else as i imagined i would. When she came back the next day the weirdness faded reasonably quickly and we had a great rest of the weekend together on all fronts. This new aspect of our relationship has encouraged us to communicate more, be more honest and clear with our thoughts, needs, insecurities (i think we already had pretty good communication but especially i still struggle with communicating my emotional state as it develops and in the last couple weeks it has been becoming easier to do so as the context both encouraged and required it). My partner has been very considerate of my insecurities and general well-being throughout, and very understanding about the limits i've asked to put in place and the things i asked of her regarding the whole thing. I genuinely think this has been very positive for both of us and hope it keeps being that way.

That being said, my anxiety is not vibing with it at all.

Now i have some pretty sever anxiety so that's not entirely a surprise. But i thought it would be 'contained' to whatever time they'd spend together and that'd be it. However the opposite seems to be true, my anxiety wasn't too bad that night or during the days leading up to it. Since then tough, i've been growing increasingly anxious and obsessed about their relationship outside of the sexual aspect (which i thought would be the most problematic thing for me). They're colleagues, they're friends, now they're also sexual partners, so they chat, text, flirt and such. Of course they do and that is fine but apparently my nervous system doesn't agree.

Last night i had an anxiety attack when my partner texted with him for a bit in bed before we went to sleep. I had to take a timeout in the living room cause i couldn't shut my eyes or take them off her phone even though i couldn't read anything from where i was (nor would i want to really). We talked about it this morning and agreed she wouldn't text with him in bed so that it remains our space, but next time my anxiety will trigger somewhere else and progressively prohibiting more and more stuff doesn't seem like a long term solution. Similarly, she offered to show me the texts if that could reassure me but i refused. That wouldn't stop my anxiety from finding something else to latch on to, i know there's nothing that should worry me in there and i don't want our relationship to become one where checking each other's phones is normal and so on.

Of course i'm hoping this will quiet down with a bit of time and as we get used to the new dynamic but i must say i feel quite blindsided by how quickly this has developed in the two days since their night together - even though that time otherwise went very well with no sign that it had negatively affected our relationship, on the contrary - and feel i need to get it under control lest it kills any chance of us finding a stable, durable footing.

I get writing this that it probably goes beyond the purview of simple relationship advice, and i sure cant wait to dump this all on my therapist next week but still, i guess i'd still appreciate some thoughts and advice from others who have more experience with that sorta thing on how to manage all that.

Ps : Haven't mentioned but i should say that i'm not 'stuck' in the open relationship in any way just because i've already agreed to it. I can, and my partner has repeatedly made a point to say this to me, change my mind and go back to a closed relationship should i feel that it doesn't work for me (and so can she). I don't want to give the impression that i'm trying to weather a situation that i'm not okay with because i feel i have no other recourse. i want to make it work cause i think it could work, and could be a positive thing for both of us if it did.

So here's the shortest i managed to make it: for about 10 days my partner (of 5 years) and i have agreed to open our relationship, only for sexual but non-romantic partners. This is after I, myself, suggested it. I do not have any plans or really any interest to find someone else myself, at least for the foreseeable future, i made the suggestion because i know my partner has had a crush on one of her colleagues (can't blame her tbh he is very hot) and he had been pretty clearly also interested in her. I trust her completely, she has not tried to hide her infatuation and had no intention to act on it until i brought up the fact that i'd be okay given some mutually agreed upon terms for how that would work. I don't regret making that proposal and my trust in her remains intact. I also fully expected that some parts would be hard, weird, uncomfortable, etc... and was confident that this would bring more positivity than otherwise in the end.

Things have moved pretty fast after we talked about it and agreed on our terms. They spent a night together last friday. Spending the night alone while not 'easy' was easier than i anticipated, i kept myself busy and while i had trouble sleeping i didn't ruminate too much or felt uncomfortable at the thought of her sleeping with someone else as i imagined i would. When she came back the next day the weirdness faded reasonably quickly and we had a great rest of the weekend together on all fronts. This new aspect of our relationship has encouraged us to communicate more, be more honest and clear with our thoughts, needs, insecurities (i think we already had pretty good communication but especially i still struggle with communicating my emotional state as it develops and in the last couple weeks it has been becoming easier to do so as the context both encouraged and required it). My partner has been very considerate of my insecurities and general well-being throughout, and very understanding about the limits i've asked to put in place and the things i asked of her regarding the whole thing. I genuinely think this has been very positive for both of us and hope it keeps being that way.

That being said, my anxiety is not vibing with it at all.

Now i have some pretty sever anxiety so that's not entirely a surprise. But i thought it would be 'contained' to whatever time they'd spend together and that'd be it. However the opposite seems to be true, my anxiety wasn't too bad that night or during the days leading up to it. Since then tough, i've been growing increasingly anxious and obsessed about their relationship outside of the sexual aspect (which i thought would be the most problematic thing for me). They're colleagues, they're friends, now they're also sexual partners, so they chat, text, flirt and such. Of course they do and that is fine but apparently my nervous system doesn't agree.

Last night i had an anxiety attack when my partner texted with him for a bit in bed before we went to sleep. I had to take a timeout in the living room cause i couldn't shut my eyes or take them off her phone even though i couldn't read anything from where i was (nor would i want to really). We talked about it this morning and agreed she wouldn't text with him in bed so that it remains our space, but next time my anxiety will trigger somewhere else and progressively prohibiting more and more stuff doesn't seem like a long term solution. Similarly, she offered to show me the texts if that could reassure me but i refused. That wouldn't stop my anxiety from finding something else to latch on to, i know there's nothing that should worry me in there and i don't want our relationship to become one where checking each other's phones is normal and so on.

Of course i'm hoping this will quiet down with a bit of time and as we get used to the new dynamic but i must say i feel quite blindsided by how quickly this has developed in the two days since their night together - even though that time otherwise went very well with no sign that it had negatively affected our relationship, on the contrary - and feel i need to get it under control lest it kills any chance of us finding a stable, durable footing.

I get writing this that it probably goes beyond the purview of simple relationship advice, and i sure cant wait to dump this all on my therapist next week but still, i guess i'd still appreciate some thoughts and advice from others who have more experience with that sorta thing on how to manage all that.

Ps : Haven't mentioned but i should say that i'm not 'stuck' in the open relationship in any way just because i've already agreed to it. I can, and my partner has repeatedly made a point to say this to me, change my mind and go back to a closed relationship should i feel that it doesn't work for me (and so can she). I don't want to give the impression that i'm trying to weather a situation that i'm not okay with because i feel i have no other recourse. i want to make it work cause i think it could work, and could be a positive thing for both of us if it did.