u/Skimbleshanks32

I've been a bad client. I really don't want to say what I've done, in part because I'm afraid of what people here will say. The bottom line is, I know I've done bad. I know I've done wrong. And I can't undo it.

The other day I contacted my therapist and told him that I wanted to quit cold turkey, without any final session. He expressed regret that there wouldn't be a final session, but left the door open for me to change my mind. We talked a little bit, and without pushing me, he convinced me to give our sessions another chance, during which we could discuss the core issue in more detail.

I've been ruminating ever since we concluded the conversation. At first I was thinking about things I really wanted to tell him in our next session, but now I'm considering termination again. I'm so ashamed of myself, and I don't believe in my ability to change. I really just wish I could erase what I've done.

Kind of looking for both advice and support.

The context for this is that my telehealth therapist has been 10-15 minutes late a couple of times within the past few weeks. The first time, he told me that a client went over time because he had talked to much during the session, had given them a last chance to say what they needed, but then had a hard time ending things when they went over time.

The second time, I'm pretty sure that he forgot about our session. His demeanor suggested it, and usually when there's a legit reason for lateness he'll provide a brief explanation. Also, if he had been in session with someone, the virtual waiting room system would have told me.

I know that things happen, but I hate that I feel like I need to say "It's okay" when he apologizes and just move on. These incidents are the closest together in recent memory, but similar things have happened. I think it hurts the most when there's another client involved. I try to be considerate, but it's wearing on me and making me feel unimportant.

Back to my question - does anyone else just let it go when these things happen. To be clear, I'm not leaving my therapist, as the good in him outweighs the bad. But I feel that I can't trust him as much.

It seems that my therapist and I have been in such a season for a few months. I must take responsibility; despite years of working together, I still have my guard up to an extent. As such, I believe that I've been allowing my therapist to misunderstand me, although not totally deliberately.

Part of the issue is that it often takes me days to realize that something my therapist did or said bothered me, so I haven't really addressed things in the moment. Even when I catch it in the moment, I passively accept it.

Make no mistake, I will be discussing this with my therapist in the next session (which is actually tomorrow). But I'm not sure how things will go long-term. I don't want to terminate.

Any advice or sharing of similar experiences would be appreciated!

So I had a mental health crisis on Friday. Don't want to disclose what happened on here. I reached out to my therapist and he offered that we could meet on the weekend. I said no, but based on how I felt the next day tried reaching out to my therapist. As it turned out, he was sick and couldn't meet on Saturday, but texted with me in order to stabilize me. He offered to meet today (Sunday). I said yes this time, but then, once again, I changed my mind. He shouldn't have to meet with me on a weekend when he's sick. Bear in mind, we meet via telehealth.

I canceled (yes, I know it's wrong to jerk him around, but we hadn't even settled on a time). At this point, I was confused about when we would be having a normal session. I've decided that, based on my behavior, we should wait until at least Wednesday, maybe even Friday, maybe even skip a week, maybe even never meet again. I deserve it, because I am bad. He shouldn't have heard a peep from me over the weekend. I want to deprive myself.

I know that this will likely make people angry on my therapist's behalf. Trust me, I know I did wrong.

I have been meeting with the same therapist for over three years, and finally started making real progress in the past year. There have been ups and downs, but definitely a noticeable positive shift.

In the past month or so, though, I've been feeling increasingly misunderstood and dissatisfied. My T always tries to find the best in everyone and in every situation. That's not a bad thing at all, but sometimes I feel like he's playing devil's advocate, dismissing me, invalidating me, and/or not taking my experiences seriously.

I have made it clear to him that something has gone askew in our relationship, and we have been trying to fix it. But it feels like we haven't figured out exactly what needs fixing, and have been continuously misaligned.

I want to keep meeting with this T. He's a genuinely kind and dedicated person. I want to get back on track, and I don't want to find a new therapist. Yet the possibility of termination is often on my mind. I once again told him that we need to figure out where we are going, and he agreed that we could work on it next session. I also proposed that next time, we should both share our perspectives on what's not working. I hope that, through this,,we are finally able to reestablish our alliance.

Had anyone else gone through an ongoing rupture such as this, and if you don't mind sharing, how did you address it? I know a month isn't that long, but I think that the contributing factors have been present for longer.

I ask because I feel that when there's a rupture with my therapist, I tell him after the session has passed. I believe that this is not ideal.

I almost wish that I could cry or get mad in session. It's not that I want to be abusive toward him, not at all. I just think that if he saw the raw emotions, it actually might make the resolution all the more efficient and effective. It also could help us both to better understand what caused the rupture.

So, to reiterate my question, when a rupture is reported after it has actually occurred, how do you feel?

Just as the title says, I feel like I have to dig deep down and find trauma in my past to be worthy of working with my therapist.

It wasn't always like this. I used to just talk about surface-level stuff, and figured that my childhood was relatively idyllic compared to other clients. I was fine with that, although it made for a pretty weak therapeutic relationship.

As time has gone on, I've come to realize that I do have trauma. I won't go into it, but stuff that happened that felt pretty insignificant when I was growing up was actually quite harmful and hurtful in the long run.

The thing is, now that my therapist and I are getting into these deeper topics, I feel like I have to prove that I was harmed in the past. I feel like I have to prove my experiences aren't insignificant compared to that of other clients.

I know that I need to talk to my therapist about this. I just need to find the right opportunity. For anyone else who has felt this way, how did you handle it? Did you tell your therapist, and if you don't mind sharing, what did they say?

Lately my therapist and I have been really digging into my self-esteem issues. We've been dedicating half of each session just to that. It was a collaborative decision, and at first I thought it was a good one. Now I'm not so sure. It just feels like I'm telling him really damaging things people said to me, and often he can't make sense of my experiences. He's said so himself. This makes me feel stuck. I know I can't expect him to have all the answers, but I had assumed that he'd heard similar stories before.

He also seems deeply sympathetic, as if he truly feels for me. Last session he called my experiences "heart-wrenching" and "gut-wrenching". I can appreciate that, but this also makes me feel like we can't move forward on this topic. I didn't expect my experiences to get that response.

I have a specific memory in mind for next time, but am reluctant to share it. I want to, but at this point I don't know if there's any purpose in sharing something that I know will be difficult for either of us to make sense of. I know that we could talk about another facet if self-esteem, but this one is stuck in my mind.

I guess I've lost faith in my therapist a bit, and I don't know what I can do to make next session productive. Amy advice would be appreciated.