u/Slight_Scale_8461

Every doctor says something different...

So, some years ago, I think my parents thought I could have autism. But then a school therapist said I could have mutism. A lot has happened since then. I was sent to a clinic twice. I don’t know what the people there diagnosed me with, something along with a depressive Episode. (I don’t trust the people there anyways.) And maybe it got a bit worse again inside the clinic. Then, a little more recently, a speech therapist said at the very first appointment that I don’t have mutism, because nothing at home is different from when I'm anywhere else. (At least my parents think so. I'm not sure.) He diagnosed me with hyperfunctional disphonia. (Basically when I'm scared, my vocal chords don’t work properly.) But then a different doctor said it could still be mutism. And I'm confused.

About my symptoms: It started when I was a child. I would constantly rephrase a sentence and start over, because I wanted to say it as perfect as possible. (Not sure why.) That annoyed everyone around me, and I wanted to please everyone, so eventually I talked less and less. And now I can mostly just talk very quietly, or sort of squeak around when it's really bad. Now I don’t talk because I either don’t know what to say, or because I'm scared to say something wrong or embarrass myself. Sometimes I don’t even want people to understand what I said, in case it's wrong, and maybe they can assume I said the right thing. So, with strangers (if I'm not too scared to approach them) I can talk kinda loud enough if I have to, but only when I know what to say. And often I have to repeat myself. When I get to know them, I can talk better to them, almost like with my parents I think. And when I'm with my best friend, I can almost talk normally, because they don’t judge me and they're patient, and they're closest to me!

So... Could it be mutism? Or hyperfunctional disphonia? Or just part of my social anxiety disorder? (I don’t even know if that one is diagnosed...)

Help!

Sometimes I don’t even know how I feel, so how should I know if my problems are bad enough to deserve help?

How do I know I'm not just whiny and overdramatic?

Am I a bad friend for sometimes not writing my friend back for days? Am I bad for not trusting them when they say they're fine with that? And for still being scared that we'll lose contact? Do I even deserve friends?

Am I childish for crying and screaming? Am I bad for hating the supervisors in my past clinic for telling me I'm childish? Maybe they were right.

Was I ungreatful for wanting to get out of the clinic and not taking the help?

Am I lazy for not cleaning my room? For not getting up in the morning? For constantly being on my phone? Am I wasteful for not eating a meal just because I don’t like it?

Am I just making my problems out to be much worse than they are?

Is it my fault that I'm depressed, because I don’t try to get help and don’t talk about anything? Or would I be even more of a burden if I told people about my problems? They'd just feel bad for not being able to help. And maybe they have it even worse than me.

If I kept complaining about a paper cut to someone who just broke their arm, wouldn’t that be like a slap in the face for them?

Am I bad for using a stupid analogy in this post??

Am I bad for making this post in the first place and seeking validation?

Do I even deserve validation?

How can I love myself?