u/SmallWatercress5794

I think about Lala missing the New York Times Best Sellers list more often than I should.

It feels like one of the more humbling moments of her career (Randall aside). Lol.

But I'm weirdly curious about the book. I actually like Lala and think she's fascinating to watch because she seems incredibly self-assured and intentional about how she moves through the world.

Has anyone here read it? Was it interesting, insightful, unintentionally chaotic? Did you come away understanding her any better, or is it pretty surface level?

I (31F) think I need... help.

For the last several months, I've felt like I've been in some version of the cycle of abuse. There have been periods where things are great, then tension builds, then something happens and I'm left feeling anxious, scared, or responsible for his emotions.

Some examples:

• He grabbed the collar of my shirt during an argument.
• He once joked that he wanted to hurt me with his fists clenched.
• He's blown up my phone, blocked/unblocked me repeatedly, and reached out to my friends when I didn't respond.
• He has a tendency to try to "put me in my place" or intimidate me when he's upset.
• I've found myself managing his moods and changing my behavior because I'm afraid of escalation.

The thing that's confusing me is that when I finally hit my breaking point and told him I think this is abuse, he didn't deny it.

He said things like:

• "I lost all control of myself."
• "I wanted you to feel the hurt I was feeling."
• "I've been perpetuating a cycle of abuse (both physical and emotional)."
• "I know what I'm asking for is unreasonable."

He's now saying he'll go to therapy every day if he has to, enroll in a program, tell his family, and do whatever it takes to get better. He keeps asking for one more chance.

The problem is... I don't trust him.

I told him I'd be abandoning myself if I stayed. I genuinely think the next violent episode could be worse. At the same time, I don't think he's faking his remorse. I think he's terrified of losing me and is having a moment of real clarity.

I guess my question is:

Can someone be genuinely remorseful, deeply self-aware, and still be unsafe to date? Has anyone experienced their partner finally "getting it" only after you'd already emotionally left the relationship? Did you stay? Did you regret it?

I'm struggling because I have compassion for him, but I'm also realizing compassion and safety may not be the same thing.... Thoughts?

EDIT: Wow, it’s barely been a day. I made a new Reddit burner for this and I’m glad I did. I had blocked him for a bit after the last blow up and ended up finding thousands of messages on my computer he sent while blocked… I’ll spare you details but I was terrified. Told his family and told him to not contact me again. Haven’t heard from him since. I feel free. Thank you all.