What am I actually meant to do to make a loved one's suffering feel less lonely?
My beautiful best friend introduced me to Ram Dass, and I've become really intrigued by his perspective on life. I resonate with so much of what he says.
One thing I've noticed, though, is that many of his talks (especially on YouTube) seem to focus on how to be with someone who is suffering, or how witnessing another person's suffering can become part of your own spiritual growth.
But what about the person who is actually suffering?
I want to understand - knowing that no one can ever truly know another person's experience - what my father might be going through as he lives with heart failure.
For example:
- Is it best to simply sit with him in a positive, hopeful way? I've tried saying things like, "Just take it one day at a time, Dad," hoping it makes life feel a little lighter.
- Or is it better to meet him where he is and speak the language of his pain? There have been moments where we've just sat together and cried. Afterwards I felt guilty, wondering whether I'd made things heavier, even though I know none of this is anyone's fault.
What am I actually meant to do to make his suffering feel less lonely? How do you help someone feel that they're not carrying this burden by themselves, without trying to fix it or minimise it?
For context, I'm a 27F from Australia. My parents are divorced and both live alone, that is are single across different states in the country. My dad and I now live in different states, and because he doesn't have a partner, I am essentially his lifeline where he has amazing neighbours so has interactions i.e. isn't completely alone.
I'm not really looking for advice on how I can cope with this. I'm trying to understand how to better care for someone I love who is suffering.
I want to understand what my father may be experiencing emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually as he lives with heart failure while waiting for an uncertain procedure date in the Australian public health system. He also had a double lung transplant in 2020 and has been diagnosed with Scleroderma in 2014.
Ram Dass speaks so beautifully about being with suffering, but I feel like most of what I've found is directed towards the observer rather than the person living through the illness.
Has Ram Dass ever spoken about this? Or are there other teachers, books, or perspectives that explore what it's actually like to be the one who is suffering, and how we can truly accompany them in a way that eases their loneliness?