I am sick of being single and lonely (37F)
I never envisioned this life for myself. I have been in two long term relationships and I have also been single in between. My previous relationship was long term and serious. The breakup was an incredibly difficult and draining time in my life. It took a long time to get over and move on.
I was just about to turn 30 when my relationship was ended. It was a very tough breakup and I was left for someone else; which is of course devestating. My friends were all married and some were pregnant/having their first babies. After so many years with someone by my side, I was on my own and suddenly had to start hanging out with couples and attend all social events alone. I was always a strong and independent person, but it was incredibly difficult for me during this life stage. My confidence also wasn't at an all time high while in the trenches.
Spending time with friends who were suddenly thrust into motherhood was tough, certain friendships completely changed. They were going through an intense and dramatic change in their lives and so was I; but in a completely different way. I was in the thick of grief and mourning the life I had AND the life I would never have. I struggled with a particular friendship, it became quite strained. I felt completely abandoned and unsupported by this friend and she made it abundantly clear that all focus should be on her and her pregnancy (she said as much.) She did not have sympathy or the time of day to listen to me when I desperately needed to be heard. I had to listen to many conversations that were purely baby related, when nothing was more unrelateable to me and yet no-one asked how I was doing...
Other girlfriends were amazing and supportive, but it was heartbreaking to be faced with a phase of life that I was so far removed from.
Then came Covid and lockdown. As I was trying to "get back out there," the universe had very different plans. Some very traumatic losses occurred during this time and I am proud of myself for surviving, as it didn't feel possible at the time. I have been on dating apps for quite a few years, I have participated in professional dating events & I have been on a few dates (very few) and I have gone to my local bars and restaurants. It has never led anywhere serious, not even remotely. There hasn't been anyone I am compatible or have chemistry with. No-one can say that I haven't tried my best to meet someone... I have really put myself out there. And I don't want to hear people tell me I am "full of crap" or my "standards are too high," when I simply just have any standards whatsoever. I've tried really hard to be openminded and not be too judgemental.
Datings apps are beyond exhausting. It leaves me feeling emotionally drained and generally disheartened; I find it so difficult to connect with someone and gauge what they're really like. Mostly they're not what they seem and I've been ghosted many times. I've heard that this experience is not exclusive to women on apps, it goes both ways. At 37 the dating pool really is a swamp, it seems to be worse than ever. I am so incredibly tired of people's advice, such as "stop looking and then you'll find someone," especially when said people are married. People probably try to make you feel better, but it is okay NOT to be okay with being (perpetually) single... It is easy to speak these words when you don't REALLY think about what they mean or how it feels.
Let's be honest. Being single can be devastatingly lonely. I can be in a crowd and feel painfully alone. I always feel like an outsider or like I am living vicariously through couples and their lives/stories. I have lovely and supportive friends, but you always feel like everyone is part of some sort of an exlusive club that you're not a part of. It's like constantly peeking into someone else's life, you never get to have those experiences. It's like my life is just not as interesting to listen to. I think many single people will relate to this feeling; feeling like you're not worth listening to.
I live a good life and I am very greatful for everything I have and for the people that I adore. Still, being single at 37 and being single for the entirety of my 30s wasn't what I ever could've imagined. I crave real connection and partnership. A partner doesn't dictate your happiness and value, but not being able to share my life and experiences with someone makes me feel like the last person on earth. I miss having a partner for an event, someone I share an inside joke with, someone who knows all my quirks and is loyal, respectful and supportive. I have lost many loved ones over the last few years and it makes me so sad knowing that "my" person would never meet the people that I loved with all my heart.
Certain thoughts and feelings we don't get to share aloud, it gets buried deep within. I am speaking this into the "void," because my heart deserves for it to be spoken. The world has become smaller, lonelier and more closed off due to social media and I guess various other factors. People have become more distant and selfish for fear of "bothering" anyone. So many of us crave real connection and companionship. Friends and family are incredibly important; but getting to share your life with a romantic partner is something else. The loneliness pandemic is REAL. For both men and women and I think it's affecting younger people more than ever before. Years ago it was strange if someone was unmarried or single at a certain age, it's still not the norm, but it is much more prevelant now.
To those who are single, lonely and alone: I see you. And I hear you. And I understand how you feel. You are actually NOT alone. It feels freeing to talk about it. Try it. Get it off your chest. 🖤