u/Snoo-13265

One of these days I was unfortunately reminded of how people hate fat bodies.

I mentioned to a friend of mine I would date a certain guy, and she said “what the fuck, he is fat”.

My immediate reaction was to call her out. But I can’t be in peace with it because to me that shows how she despises fat people.

I think, to be fair, that most people think the same way. They don’t think fat people should be seen, loved, desired, admired.

They are disgusted by the idea of dating someone fat. And they even get angry or shocked when this happens. Like if a fat person was less human and deserved less than it’s getting.

This is so sad.

Cantonese/Hong Kong char siu. My favorite food in the world. Didn’t cook it, found it in Mainland China. 🥢

I am 30 years old and I’ve been working on myself consistently since I was about 19.
I’ve always been in therapy, investing in my happiness, my interests, my health, my education, and building a life that feels meaningful to me.

To the point that sometimes man criticize me or feel they shouldn’t approach me because I am too well traveled and successful for them (at least that’s what I heard a few times from people). And mind you I am actually ok, I have a good job and traveled abroad for a while, but I am far from being rich or super successful.

Anyways, getting back to the point: I was never the kind of woman who dreamed about having a boyfriend or husband. In fact, I probably spent a decade studying feminism, and for a long time I genuinely felt autonomous and at peace with being single. But over the past three years something shifted.

I started thinking more seriously about finding a partner. Maybe is the social pressure we get for getting into the 30s? I don’t know. But even though I have wonderful friends and a loving family I realized I miss the kind of romantic connection I’ve only experienced with a few men in my life (maybe 2 times, before my 20s).

That feeling of finding someone compatible and loving, someone you genuinely want to spend every week with, missing their smell, thinking about them throughout the week…And also the sensation of being desired in both sexual and emotional intimacy way… you know?

I wonder if that feeling is actually “childish” or if adults also experience love the same way I did with my first boyfriends before the 20s.

Especially over the past year I made a real effort to find someone. I went on many dates, met a lot of new people from different backgrounds and sometimes even had multiple dates with men I genuinely believed had potential. But in the end, nothing developed enough. I didn’t fall in love with them and they didn’t fall in love with me either, as far as I know. And there was no big reason or anything. We just would lose traction.

I honestly feel open to love and also feel like I’ve put in enough effort to create opportunities for it. I used to rely on dating apps a lot and stopped doing that in order to find people in real life. And I could find potential partners in person. But nothing seems to be working.

So I’ve reached a point where I want to give up 🥲 I see people with amazing love stories and I can’t picture that for myself because NEVER, like NEVER a man who is really a good guy had chosen me or made any effort for me.

I’ve questioned myself if that’s because I am fat but I don’t think so because my slim friends have worse love stories than me.

Rationally, I know there isn’t some deadline, that people find love at different stages of life, and that my worth isn’t determined by whether I’m in a relationship. But if I’m honest, it scares me thinking about being single forever. It sounds like I failed or I am not lovable.

I don’t know how to conclude this text, at this point I am just rambling. Feel free to share your insights or stories 🫶🏻🌸