u/Snoo27373

Hi all! Im out in the Query trenches and want some chapter 1 feedback. I keep bouncing between "this sounds cool" and "wow this sounds like ass nobody will want it" im aware i can't predict whether someone will actually want to pick it up. I just want feedback from random internet folks on readability/obvious problems ect..

My husband and teen have been my only readers and thats lovely but obviously not helpful for *actual* critiquing lol

Also im on mobile and pretty sure my italics were eaten for breakfast by reddit. Sorry ahead of time!

Chapter 1

Well, now where'd it go?

A deep hum could be felt through the floorboards, a gentle dawn light was creeping through the room, and Grenn was at his favorite perch, a window seat with a thick red velvet cushion. He sighed as he narrowed his slitted grey eye and peered through the small brass spyglass. He used his other hand to twist another small dial on the side in hopes of it working.

Damn, why won't this work right?

The tiny amber-bathed windows were trying to come into focus far away, but thick clouds of grey steam were blocking his view of them a thousand feet below. The iron and steel walls of Damaris were a dizzying sight. Now, he thought he had just seen a woman putting a large cake to cool by a window, but then lost focus. Again.

​He hissed in frustration, his long black tail twitching as a knock sounded on his door, a persistent one.

​Gods really? Can't I even drool over cake in peace around here?

​

He slowly pushed himself from his seat, stretching and rubbing his face when the knocking started up again

​“Gods, I'm coming! Hold on.” His apartment was a cluttered mess, his coffee machine puffed steam, and he had to jump over dirty clothing to reach his door. He opened it to reveal a sweaty, disheveled Sian. Her short, black curly hair was frizzy from the hallway heat and poofed out. Even the grey fur of her tail was protesting the humidity. Her black uniform jacket had a stain on the front that looked suspiciously like blood.

Blood or ketchup? Please be ketchup…

​“We have another murder,” her eyes darted past Grenn to his messy home with a look of disgust.

​Another one? All I wanted was breakfast first, before getting blood on my clothes again

​

“Blackmere sent me to fetch you,” her tail thrashed behind her as she sighed.

​“He said to hurry and NO detours this time,”

​Grenn smirked at that as he went to grab his uniform jacket. He almost forgot his gold pocket watch; the gears on the back ticked quietly as he snapped it shut and shoved it into his front pocket.

​“We'll see about that, Sian. Nobody gets between me and a fresh slice of cake.”

​“Are you serious?” she hissed.

​“Yes, I'm very serious about my cake. When have I ever joked about it?”

​She rolled her orange slitted eyes as he pulled his jacket on to follow her.

​“Lead the way,” he said as they stepped into the blistering heat-filled castle hallway.

​Old pipes with flecks of rust ran along the top and bottom of the long, narrow hallway, steam billowing from a vent at their feet as they walked. The mids were hot enough to make him start sweating through his jacket already.

​I hate to think how hot the smog is if it's this bad up here today

​He pulled his long black hair into a loose ponytail as they walked, wiping the sweat off his neck with his sleeve, groaning.

He patted his belt with a frown when he felt nothing hanging.

Shit, where did it go?

​“I guess I forgot my canteen. I'm going to head back, hold on a second.”

​“Oh no, you don't! At least try to take this seriously and keep that badge, won't you?”

​She poked at his investigator badge impatiently, the silver metal triangle with a paw shone up at him in the bright buzzing hallway lights, almost mocking him.

​“Oh come on, Sian, what's got you all in an uproar? It's early, I at least wanted a muffin, but no, I’m getting dragged away”

​

“Another body happened, you brat, you should be taking this seriously, not dragging your feet”

​

She tugged on his arm, and his tail drooped sadly as he followed, trying to ignore his growling stomach and the delicious muffin he'd be swiping from the kitchens right about now.

​“Out of the way!” a messenger in blue came barreling past, sweat ran down his face, and his flat cap had a sweatstain; he didn’t slow down and was breathing heavily as he kept sprinting.

​“Ok, so where are we headed then?” asked Grenn as they continued their brisk pace. Sian had to run to keep up with his long strides.

​

Sian pulled out her notebook, which she kept in the leather bag slung onto her shoulder. “The Greenhouses, A maid was found, about an hour ago. Not sure how long she’s been there, but she was found by an earth weaver, you know how stressful that lot can be. Sebastian is interviewing him right now, I believe. Blackmere is with the body, looking like he’s about to pull his hair out.

​

Or my teeth when I get there

​

Grenn chuckled darkly at the thought.

​

“What's so funny?” She glared at him as she dodged a little boy running after a dog. He had a small orange cat tail and was missing his front teeth; he was chubby and had a head of thick curly red hair. She smiled warmly at him even as she stepped into a puddle of muddy water on the floor.

“You get back here, Freddie! I'd asked you to help me with chores!” An elderly maid ran after the child, looking exhausted.

​

“Ugh! Now my feet are going to be wet for half the day!” she glared at her boots.

​He shrugged as they approached a lift at the end of the hallway. Its doors were steel, and naked gears could be seen through the top. A sign on the door read “Out of order, use stairs.” A pipe by the gears was spewing steam and vibrating angrily.

​Grenn and Sian both groaned as they looked at each other.

​Just our luck, now I’ll be sweating and have blisters on my feet

​He thought sourly as they started walking down the stairs next to the lift. They were small metal planks welded together by some strange seal weaver magic Grenn didn’t understand.

The stairwell did a lazy downward spiral, and the passage was narrow enough that there was barely enough room for people to pass each other safely. A steel railing covered in grimy handprints ran along the outside, with a giant hissing steaming pipe running down the open center; heat radiated off it in waves. A child tripped towards the railing and hit it. Grenn went to reach for her, but she somehow just slid off of it instead of going over.

​“I wonder how angry Blackmere will be? I didn’t stop for breakfast, there's that at least,” Grenn asked, shuddering at the thought.

​ “That old bear is always looking for something to be mad about. I’m pretty sure we could have magically appeared, and he’d still say we’re late.” Sian said with a laugh.

​The smell of earth faintly reached Grenn’s nose as they went deeper into the castle. The air had cooled and wasn’t suffocating him anymore. He was still sweating but didn’t feel like a walking puddle.

​They veered down a large dark side passage; there were no windows for light, just the buzzing lights maintenance workers installed and seal weavers cast some sort of magic on. They radiated an orange glow. Faint sounds of raised voices greeted him as they reached a large, thick double wooden door. It had symbols carved into it that only earth weavers could learn; they looked like swirls and dots and radiated a faint power that made Grenn twitchy and made his skin itch fiercely.

​The symbols always gave him an uneasy feeling, but he pushed the doors open anyway

​We’ve got work to do

​

He thought as they entered a scene of total chaos