u/SnooChickens6425

My(27f) FA ex(25m) started inching away last November/December.
A quick background - Our relationship began 2 months or so after his breakup and I was with him throughout him mourning that relationship which he claimed to be his first love even though he has been in other relationship before her. I felt he always used to romanticise that relationship. He was still pressed about a few issues that they had or would be sad after speaking to the ex especially if they had a fight.
I did feel threatened by that relationship. However, I was with him much longer and we did go through a lot of other emotional moments together. But we still would have fights about how I did not feel very loved because of no action from his side. We were doing long distance and we only met twice over the 15 months we were together and once he even cancelled on our plan after the tickets were booked citing some reason. The other times, I expected him to plan because it felt like I was initiating too much but it all went to vain. But if I broke up with him, he would always come back begging. He really admired me and would always shower me with compliments. But it was just that. I still did not feel loved enough at many times throughout the relationship. Even during one of our breaks, which he suggested, he met up with his ex just to get closure and return her things. He has always told me that I was the only ex that is out of his league and it was easier with the others because they were he felt, “below him”.

Fast forward to now, 4 months after the breakup, I realise that he has gotten back with his ex. Through repeated stalking, I see them following and unfollowing each other on Instagram. He did not even wish me on my birthday which was the nail in the coffin.

Yesterday I broke down, that was the most I have cried in my entire life. I hated myself. I felt suicidal. This was not the first time this is happening to me. This is the second ex that is getting back with their ex. I feel used, unlovable. There is this ache in my heart that I’m not able to handle. I begged the universe to make me stop loving him. I gave this relationship everything I could. I almost paid for everything the 2 years he didn’t have money. It’s hurts that I was replaceable. That they probably didn’t just start and would have been seeing each other behind my back when I was acting foolish enough to try and get him back. I hate that they are now happy and intimate and I’m left to pick up the pieces myself. I don’t know if I can ever get over this trauma. When will this stop? I don’t want to feel this way. To know that two of exes thought their ex was better than I was. Atleast in the first one, I was not the best girlfriend. But in the recent one, I gave it everything I could. I know that there will be responses that I’m picking people that are following a similar pattern. But I don’t think there are people anymore who wouldn’t stop a wink before breaking my heart to get back with their one. I’m the loser and they are all happy. When will it ever be my turn?