u/SnooMacaroons5961

That I really do miss you. Not just the attention, it's not the chemical high, it's not about wanting someone I can't have or the power games or repeating childhood patterns, I wasn't sure but I know now, that no matter where I am in the world, or what I'm doing, no matter how many distractions or other people I surround myself with or how busy or free I make myself. It's your presence I crave, it's your arms I want to fold into at the end of every day, it's you I want to vent to or ramble to about stupid mundane things and it's you voice I want to hear back. it's you I miss more than anyone else, and it's you I want to come home to. I don't know how to explain it, I didn't expect this when I reached out and so I didn't trust my feelings for you or yours for me. How could they last this long, how did you awaken the part of myself I had lost so quickly? Were you the key I was missing? How can you still see anything worthy inside the mess of contractions I am especially after how I've treated you? I wonder if you feel this way too, but, you make it easy to love you. You are so brave, wise, clever and resilient and a million other good things.Yes you also drive me mad but I don't think you need to be afraid, even when I'm mad or frustrated with you, I can't stay that way, I still always need & crave you.ive not been like this with anyone else... It's just always going to be you, I've tried to forget it. I've tried to hate you or hold a grudge, I can't. I've tried to pretend you don't matter and that this isn't something I need or want. I've tried to destroy it because I didn't think it would last and my friends might not understand you. But it is something.. You do matter, more than you realize to me and I think we might be ok... I feel so confused& sad i wasn't able to see you properly. And I feel awful about how things have been, I'm so sorry for everything & that I haven't been more gentle with you, I didn't know my words had any power with you. I've done & said so many stupid things so I'm grateful you've been able to hold onto something. I miss you so much but I'm making the most of it here and ik I'll see you soon. Finally, a home isn't something to fear but something I get to be excited about, because I get to come home to you babe. Xxxx

Today was a hard day and I just want to call you but you still haven't unblocked me so I can't. I'm sure your fear just paralysed you or works exhausting and you don't mean to hurt me with silence. I'm getting better at remembering that. I won't be mad at you, I understand. I'm so sorry I've made you feel so hurt with my words before. I'm so sad this is where we are right now. I'm so sad we've struggled to communicate with each other so much, I'm so angry at both our families for not being better, our younger selves deserved so much more and I'm sad the remnants of the past are still affecting us. I'm sad about all of it. I should never have come back and hurt you even more. I should've left you in peace. I'm sorry.

I just wanted to say.. today sucks. Today is hard, one of those days where the pain is its highest and my resolve is the lowest because I am absolutely exhausted, slept only 5 hours, now stuck on a bus for 6+ hours without proper medication. I wish I could call you or anyone really but, what would I even say, this is the price I know I have to pay for my stupid stubborn insistence to live well and travel despite my body & brain being medically fucked. I just want to be home, safe, wherever that even is, wrapped up on the couch highly medicated or asleep. I literally can't stop crying, it's been 5 hours and I've only just stopped lol, and it's so awkward on a bus full of strangers pretending they can't see me. Two of them asked if I was okay but I lied and said I was fine and just thanked them for their kindness. Ik it's just my body coping with the intense pain I'm overwhelmed with but it's just another thing to have to manage and I'm just so exhausted and tired of how much I have to manage everyday. I try not to complain anymore because I know I'm still lucky to even be alive, but today, I'm so tired of constant pain and the increase of it being a punishment for doing what healthy people do daily or for making my goals/dreams happen. I'm trying to not beat myself up for being adventurous or living like my old self when I know better to try. I am in this country alone, I have no one to call to vent to. Nothing to distract myself with because my brain is fried, what else can I do but write, cry and dissociate my way through the next few hours,.. this is one of those moments I wish I had a parent to call. Someone that would tell me they loved me and they thought I was brave not stupid. That they admire my strength, my resilience and stubbornness to reach my goals. Two years ago, I would've called my brother but I don't even have him now. And so I will hug myself and tell my other younger selves...

It's okay, you are so brave, you're doing the best you can today and that's good enough. If you need to cry all day, you can. You're doing much better than you were a year ago and others with the same or similar conditions, not that it's a competition but you forget how brilliant and positive you are at managing, sometimes you need to remember that your worst is other people's average. Look at everything you've accomplished despite it. It's amazing. I know it's hard to remember because we're always imagining everything we could've done if pain was temporary but I'm still proud of what you've done. It's not your fault doctors dismissed you until you got worse and developed other conditions or that you're still having to fight. It is not your fault you didn't know how to take care of yourself when you were younger, you were taught to neglect & hate yourself. It's not your fault you had to survive things you shouldn't have had to and carry so much pain and stress, until your body eventually broke down and never recovered. It's not your fault that the medical system is a mess or that people never take anything you say seriously because of your neurodivergence or the conditions you were unlucky enough to develop aren't taken seriously by drs or researched properly, it's not your fault you have no supportive, empathetic family members or had any true friends really checking in on you until the last two years. You've done everything you could, survived, argued, begged, cried, explained, written emails, angry letters, advocated as much as you could have and educated yourself with the little energy you had. I'm sorry my sweet girl, I'm sorry your life has turned out this way, just one sad story to the next, an endless series of unfortunate events and falling through the cracks of every net that was supposed to save you. You're still amazing and you should be proud of yourself for making it this far, and all you've done despite the mess that you were born into and how everything's turned out and especially for managing days like this. It's literally insane the things you have been expected to manage and cope with. There's no other word for it than Insane. I know it's your normal now, but the burdens weren't always as heavy. Sure you're not at your worst but this isn't far from it and it is heavy, it is so so hard to carry. I know. But you do it so well no one even knows how sick you really are. And I know If people could feel how much pain you were in and how fatiqued your body is, they wouldn't ever believe the things you do. I am inspired and proud of you every day.

And I know these kind of days make you wonder how you will ever get through another 30+ years, how you'll live a full life with such high limits and pain? How you'll have a partner again. How you'll get through more travel, dance or whether you'll ever perform again. I know this weighs on you every night, my love. And I hate that you have had to give up on so many of your dreams and plans. Please know, none of them really even matter if achieving them pushes you to the brink of death or isolate you completely. What matters is how well you live and how much you love, the kindness, visibility and courage you give to others. I know your disease is spreading, I know you're scared your organs are next. But we will get through that too, I promise you. I am here and I love you and if we have to choose death to end our suffering, I am willing to do so to protect you. I am not afraid of death as much as I am by a small, unloved, unlived life. But sweet girl, remember, it always gets better, even when it continues to be hard it improves, and today is just another day we will one-day forget the memory of. I love you, keep going. Relief is coming. The future will be okay xxxxx

You didn't, so now I don't know what you expect from me?

I shared my feelings because I want us to be better, but once again, you ignore everything I confessed in that letter.

You disappear to process, then avoid the hard conversation, Reappear days later pretending conflict never happened.

All I needed was something honest or 'I understand, I'll try not to repeat', but now I'm losing optimism this is a pattern you can beat.

If you don't learn how to listen, repair, or communicate your love, I'll have no choice but to find another someone

I want to stay, you know I do but I've already asked not to be treated like this by you

I want to be yours, entirely, completely. But not like this babe, zero accountability hurts me.

I guess I was wrong to keep trying to love you. To keep giving chances. To hope you could give me what I needed. To believe in you. To believe you could be honest and open.

I watched your games and pretended I didn't know what you were doing, I reacted how you expected me to react, I let you think I was naive and stupid to see how you'd treat me, how you'd try to manipulate me. I thought I wouldn't get hurt. But I am now, so I'll let it go and set us both free. I know my future will be full of joy and love whether you're in it or not, maybe you'll come back round, maybe it's too late. Maybe I was delusional to think you ever loved me. All I know Is I deserve more than how you treat me or can love me and you'll never take accountability so you'll never grow.

I miss you more than I've ever missed anyone. I can't stop myself thinking of you. My body aches for you, your presence, your touch, to have you running your hands through my hair again, to feel your skin on my skin. I want to be curled up safe in your arms. I'm so far away but do you feel this pull too? This invisible string that always connects me to you, keeping me tied to you, even when I'm on the other side of the country, or the world, I feel you in the background of my energy, how you feel, the gap of you, it's undeniable. I thought we could fix this, I thought you felt the same, am I wrong? Can you not change? Do you not want this? Will I ever see you again or hear your voice? The thought of never is crushing me, devastating me. I will let you go if you can't appreciate & adore me but I will always love you, I'll love you in the next life too.