u/SocraticArtist

My husband and I have been together for over 15 years.
Over the past 7 or so years we have had some pretty rough patches, over the past couple years my husband and I have been working through our issues relatively successfully with some hurdles regarding his side of the family still not being felt with.
About 7 years ago we bought a house with his parents. At the time, I didn’t realize the complexity this situation would cause. The legality of the property is really messy. I also realized that his family is enmeshed and when tension started between me and his parents he dug his heels into avoidance.
I believe that a lot of the tension between his family and me truly comes from him not standing up for me, or following through with boundaries that we both agreed to with his family.
His sister (who lives in a different country) is particularly intense.
I have limited my involvement with his parents, though, with us being on the same property and his parents getting older and possibly needing assistance, I have kept “emergency” access open.
We have kids, and they do interact with their grandparents.
The grandparents have said inappropriate things to our kids in the past, so my husband is normally with the kids when they visit their grandparents.
No one has really complained about this, honestly, I think the grandparents like their space.
Without going into too much of their history, his father was/is financially, emotionally, verbally abusive to his mother for their whole relationship.
We didn’t find out about the financial issues until after we bought our house together. And a few years into us all living together it became an issue again. And a genuine fear that I had, was their financial issues impacting us.
My husband and his parents and I talked about reasonable responsibilities each family has, and agreed to a fair and reasonable monthly [rent].
(Note, the mortgage is in my husbands and his parents name, all of the utilities are in mine and my husband’s name, and we have all bills and loans come out of our accounts)
It was a bit of a rough start, they didn’t make full payments sometimes or missed the odd month. I would have to remind his parents on our agreement.
I get it, they don’t have much money because of the father. I honestly think that if we didn’t buy a house together they would have lost their house they were living in before.
During this period of rehashing our living situation, and my husband and I having our hardest season in our relationship because of it, his sister encouraged my husband that I wasn’t a “forever person”, that this is the parents house and I should live somewhere else (at my brothers over 2 hours away, and possibly see our kids in the summer), she told me that I was taking whatever little money her parents had left, and that I will never be on title to the property, she’s said “I’ll fight to the death”.
That conversation with his sister was over a year ago. She hasn’t acknowledged my existence since, and she has occupied very little rent in my brain as well.
During our relationship repair journey, I did express to my husband that I don’t trust his sister, and I don’t want the kids to be around her by themselves when she comes to visit. My husband understands where I’m coming from and says he wants to support me - a move away from the family enmeshment and dysfunction.
He’s had a lot of opportunities over the past year where he could have clearly communicated to his sister and parents, but his avoidance had gotten the best of him. These were all small things, and I’ve stopped pushing the “repair” on him.
I feel better when I don’t have to think about his family, or talk about his sister. I’m a more present mom and when it comes to just my husband and I I feel like I’m a more present wife.

So yesterday, I grabbed our mail. Letters for our town elections were there for his parents (which I always leave their mail in the mailbox for them to grab), for my husband and I… and for his sister.
This raises so many questions for me - I am anxious and working on my over thinking, but I am also studying law).
I probably would have had a different view if it was regular mail. I often think about if I was in their mother’s position. I would be okay with our children sending mail to us if we shared a home with the other sibling.
But this is a registered election letter. Even if the town used data from elsewhere, she would have claimed to live here in (changing our countries government documents to our address as her residence) order to qualify to vote.
And I’m not comfortable with that.
She doesn’t live here.
Not to mention, we’re hovering on the grey area of what’s legal and what’s not. She hasn’t lived in our country in decades, she permanently lives in another country.
I briefly talked to my husband about this. He doesn’t see the issue, and doesn’t think it needs to be brought up, but did say “I’ll do whatever you want me to do”.
We left if at, let’s let this marinade and we can think of our options tomorrow.

Okay, so legalities aside, I understand why she used our address, it’s not just my home, and it’s also not just her parent’s home.
I don’t feel comfortable with her using our address at all, but can I let it go because her parents are okay with her using our address?
What happens when there are no more parents?
We can’t really stop her from using the address, without escalating the issue.

I do want to call the town to get more information.
I do want my husband to ask her about the election letter and what else she’s using our address for (is that appropriate?), maybe we come to an agreement when and how our address is used.
Am I over reacting?
I feel like I’m caught between my feelings of mistrust in her and what is genuinely inappropriate.

Long story short; my (at the time common law partner) bought a house with his parents a few years back. We live there with them and our kids and split the cost 40/60 for the property as we occupy 60% and they occupy 40%. This was a verbal agreement, I believe the title is split 98% husband, 1% for each of his parents (we don’t have copies of any documents, his parents have them)
Partner and I got married, MIL doesn’t want me on the title of the home. Husband and I made a prenup, basically stating that if we split and his parents are still living on the property I would be entitled to 30%.

My husband and I recently made plans and budgeted for me to go back to school part time, I currently have no income so I can take care of the kids while he builds his business.

My FIL has been in the hospital for the past few weeks and they are looking at fast tracking him to a nursing home. In-laws are now saying they cannot continue to pay the 40%.

My husband isn’t confident that we can afford covering the cost of the whole 40%, but he is thinking that we should do 20% morally (not confident that it’s still doable)

SIL (who also doesn’t want me to have any claim on the house) plans on giving MIL about 500-600 a month when FIL goes into a nursing home.

I’m trying to remove my emotional thoughts from this, and I honestly don’t know if some of my worries come from logic or fear.

In the past, the family had suggested that SIL be put on the deed if she needs to help with bills. I don’t know if that’s still an assumption.

This is all really fresh, and my husband hasn’t had time to sit down with his parents about their finances, or general plans/expectations or get a copy of the deed or mortgage or their wills.

I don’t involve myself with his family, which I am okay with and I want to support my husband in whatever decision he makes, but I want to make sure that our family home is protected.

I don’t know what questions my husband should be asking, or what questions we should be asking a lawyer. Should my husband go with his mom to a lawyer?

My husband and I have been having a hard season in our relationship. We’ve been together for 15 years and we have two kids together.
When we lived by ourselves we were happy and had an amazing relationship. We have both talked about those years with fondness and sometimes sadness, because things are very different and we are having a hard time navigating getting back to that.
A few years ago we got a property with his parents (who are in their late 70s and 80).
In-laws are low effort, and avoid hard conversations like the plague. His father was an abuser (financial, emotional, physiological)… when I started voicing my issues with it, I was cast out. His mother would constantly criticize me, over step boundaries, and straight up didn’t like anything that I would say or do. Sometimes she would say something, sometimes I would hear it from someone else, but most of the time she doesn’t say anything.
Sometimes his sister would come up for visits and she and I have tried to have conversations in the past, but she has this narrative that I am controlling, trying to make everyone else miserable, I don’t do anything, and my husband does everything.
There are a million examples of the toxic behavior from them, and they stick to my reaction being the issue.
I had to set super firm boundaries on the property (this is your side, this is ours). I told my husband I don’t want them over until I am ready. His mother waits for me to be at work and comes over anyways. I told them to wait for an invite when it came to family events (soccer games, trick or treating, birthday parties, etc), I told my husband to communicate clearly with me about plans if he wants to make any plans with our kids and his family. My husband hasn’t made many plans. If his family overstepped on a boundary while I was at work, he doesn’t say anything, but we have cameras and only admits to it if I bring it up.
My husband had gotten into a pretty negative headspace. His insecurities get the best of him sometimes. He doesn’t talk about anything emotional, or anything hard. When he does, he’s extremely defensive and takes a lot of his frustration out on me.
We’ve been going to therapy, and the last session had me, he said his parents are living in turmoil - and they’re just never going to see the kids?!
I genuinely believe his frustration and sadness when he said this.
It just so frustrating, because I haven’t done anything to them, I have just tried to have our own family autonomy, I have attempted repair multiple times and his family literally said to me they have better things to do, and our kids aren’t forbidden to see his family- I just wanted him to plan it and be there (and even when he doesn’t plan anything, they have seen them anyways).
I used to prompt him to talk, now I don’t.
I’m trying to focus on me and our kids and the relationship between my husband and I.
I’m not chasing the approval or acceptance from his family any more.
His dad is now in the hospital, I don’t know if he’s going to be coming back to the house. His sister is up to help with anything medical, and they have talked at all. Not really to my husband.
I am sure my husband is feeling something, but he’s not saying anything.
I want to give him space, but I also don’t want to encourage him to keep being avoidant.
He doesn’t have to talk to me, but he’s not talking to anyone.
I want to change my behavior to be a better example for our kids.
Sometimes I feel stuck because my husband wants our kids to have the freedom to visit their grandparents or aunt whenever they want.
I want structured, supervised visits. I don’t trust his family. They have already said things to our kids that encourage a divide between them and me.
I want them to have a relationship with his side of the family.
And argument that was made, the kids have a relationship with my side of the family.
My mother is pretty toxic too, so she has limited time with our kids. I stand up for our family when my mother crosses a line and she backs off really fast, and my family doesn’t treat my husband the way his family treats me, and my husband acknowledges this. My father is actually working for my husband this summer. My dad is such a good support for our relationship.
Yesterday my kids and I were installing a photo wall. When we started hanging photos on it, I found one of our old dog, and asked if we should hang this too.
This dog was our son’s best friend. They were inseparable, and the dog had a studded and sad reason for leaving our family.
Our son cried that he missed his dog, and I held him for a while and comforted him through his feelings. He was really grateful to have the photo up.
Later when my husband was done work he asked how our day was. Our son said, “we made a photo wall, and we hung a photo of our dog and it made me really sad”. My husband literally said nothing. So I stepped in and talked about how we handled his sadness. Husband doesn’t respond. Just continues eating his food. Later I told him I was really disappointed on his reaction and he needs to show more empathy with the kids. Our son expressed something to him, it was important to our son and he just ignored it.
My husband made a comment about how he can’t make the next therapy appointment without missing a days worth of work, so we thought maybe doing it over the phone was best. When I called the office to change it to a phone appointment, I took myself out of the session. My husband doesn’t know this. Honestly, I need a break, I feel like we’ve been stagnant lately in our sessions, and I think he could benefit from having a session without me. Maybe he can talk through the feelings about his dad, or us easier?
I just don’t know what to do.
He’s been extremely closed off lately, and I don’t know how to support him and also hold us responsible for being on the same page when parenting.

My husband and I live on the same property as his parents, and as you can imagine it started off with good intentions and eventually led to a blow up.
His family is low effort, enmeshed and avoidant.
This blow up happened about a year and a half ago, since then my husband and I have been working on rebuilding our relationship (which includes therapy), and focusing on boundaries with his family and treating our homes like separate properties.
My husband is a typical avoidant, and I’m really proud of the work he has done.
The subject of his family is still a touchy one.
In a therapy session a while ago we talked about “negotiations” with the in-laws because we have children together. And we came to the agreement that my husband will do special occasions solo for a bit with his family. And when trust between my husband and I is more secure we will start talking about including our children into the visits.
Him and his family are notorious for only talking when there is a special occasion - it’s a slow process because it’s months between events- they tend to sweep things under the rug, when I hold my boundaries even if it’s a holiday I get the classic “but it’s [insert event]”… i just stay calm and firm.
We need XYZ to happen before we move forward - and we are at X done, Y most times, and Z… we don’t talk about Z 🎶 we don’t talk about Bruno 🎶
I’ve got my own things to work on for sure; assertive communication, not prompting, staying less anxious etc.
While his parents really need to respect our physical boundaries, his sister is genuinely my biggest hater.
She’s asked our kids “who do you love more, mommy or daddy?”, she’s called me names, openly acts like I don’t exist, full on DARVO response when we told her she can’t have our children’s social security information, and she love bombs my husband - and for the longest time he defended her actions whole heartedly.
Her children are adults. I’m actually between the ages of her and her kids. So I don’t think of myself as their aunt.
Her youngest one is coming up for a visit in the next couple of weeks. The plan is for them to stay on the grandparents side.
I know my husband will want to be with him during the stay. Which I am in full support of.
And our kids will be excited for him to visit - he’s active and does a lot of fun stuff with them.
But I have experienced poor behavior from him - taking cues from his mom/ my SIL. I get the impression that he doesn’t like me (and I know this is an assumption).
So I feel kind of confused.
I want my husband to do this solo, but I also feel like maybe our nephew might not cause any issues because his mom isn’t there.
I don’t know how long he is up for either.
My husband doesn’t feel it’s appropriate to include his nephew into these conversations.
I tried to talk to my husband last night about my conflicting thoughts, and he started getting annoyed, so we dropped it and said we will come back to this another time.