Uncertain about how I should feel
My girlfriend passed away a couple years ago. I have been out with several people and had options in the several years since then, but none were right for me or had complications such as the person not truly being out of their last relationship. I also realized that until Jan 2026 I was not ready emotionally to be with someone new.
I met someone in January right after I felt like I was ready and immediately several friends told me I seemed to be healing from my grief when I was around her. I did not even realize I was still geieving.
We did not do formally date but we're around each other a lot. There was a strong mutual affection.
She also has not dated or slept with anyone for several years. We both had asked the other to be patient with the other.
I will avoid many details as I could go on forever but I want to focus on one point upfront and that point is "I cannot keep but thinking about her". At first I was smitten like a teenager and that was expected while we spent time with each other but currently we are not hanging out as we had sort of a fallout the last time we saw each other about two months ago. What happened was never clearly defined. Before that fallout I discovered that she uses cocaine. In my logical mind this was a deal breaker. In my heart I still felt strongly about her. I tried to exit a couple times but was unable to. Then her last visit happened at my house which caused a break for us but what happened was never clearly defined. I offered to still help her complete her taxes which I had offered to do. So we still had some communication regarding those.
Then came another issue. I thought she was not responding appropriately about her taxes and I told her so. She got upset and said I was just concerned about her which I vehemently denied. We got into some negative texting about it after I told her I could not help her any more. She was very upset. Eventually I stopped communicating with her for about a month as I did not like it our negativity and thought it was not healthy. I told her I would mail her taxes to her and her last belonging. I let them sit on my table and die nothing as it was painful to think about sending them but also painful while they say there. Two weeks ago she messaged me after the month of silence. She said she had not received her taxes. Should she come pick them up.
I said sure but I was busy for a few days. Eventually I told her I would still help her with them. We agreed and since then we had many communications about the taxes and she has responded very politely and never ignores me which is what bothered me before. We have not seen each other yet though.
I would like to see her but feel like we have one item which was brought up in texts that needs to be discussed before I can make an overture.
Until that time I am keeping busy and ok emotionally
My issue is that even though I am not smitten like I was that but I still think about her often and a lot when many daily or somewhat mundane things happen in my life. I wonder quite a bit what would it be like if she was here with me to share many of these moments.
I tell myself the cocaine use and some of her lack of communication, which we discussed, we're not and will not be good for me. But my heart and souls tell me me I need to resolve the one issue and make another effort to reconnect on more than just taxes.
Here it is:
Is this normal for me to feel like this? Should I still feel so strongly about someone who I really admire in a lot of ways but know could be a time bomb waiting happen? FYI: I was with my last girlfriend for over 15 years so I have forgotten what it feels like to meet and or date new people.
Please tell me what you think in the "raw".