u/Soggy-Act-9980

Idk if this makes sense. I try with skincare and haircare and stuff but it just looks meh. I spent so much fucking money this month on things to try and make myself feel better including hobbies and none of it has worked out well for me. Its just a fucking trap. I wasted like a month of pay on shit that didnt work out. Im 27.

I used to be so good with money and recently its getting so bad. And im just wanting to cry and hide in a hole. Im worried my landlord is going to sell the property i live in before I have time for me and my wife to get a house. And im just wasting money on shit to try and not feel sad. But now I feel even worse.

I don't think i am being reasonable about what I want to look likee but at the same point it seems like even anything I want is not going to happen.

I haven't liked how I've looked in a really long time.

Idk how much I hate myself for gender stuff and how much I hate myself because of like body image issues unrelated to that.

It feels like they're mixing into pure poison. Like Im pretty sure when I start HRT its just going to look bad still. Its just never going to feel right. Like I already get most of the social acceptance from people I care about even before coming out as NB. So why even bother anymore. I had a few weeks of being happy imagining how cute I could be but looking now I just think that Im trying to do something to make me feel better that just wont.

Like I already get most of the social acceptance from people I care about even before coming out as NB. So why even bother anymore. I had a few weeks of being happy imagining how cute I could be but looking now I just think that Im trying to do something to make me feel better that just wont.

Idk if its just ageing? Or what? But too many things are making me hate my body. And I don't think its worth trying so hard to fix it anymore.

I isolated myself for like 10 years of my life, because I had parents who werent there and just left me alone in our house in the middle of nowhere growing up. The fact I have what looks on the outside to be a nice comfortable normal life is just a facade to hide my shame and guilt. They literally told me and my siblings they didnt like us.

My whole family is so toxic and broken up I dont really have a family. I moved away from my friends to go to college years ago. And i just fucked my whole life up again and again and just let people tell me what to do because I was scared of being homeless/abandoned again. I just dont see a future in which im happy. And every attempt I make to make myself happy just ends in failure. Nicer Jobs, Nicer Cars, Nicer stuff. Doing more things, being more authentic. Nope its just unhappiness all the way to the bottom with fleeting moments of hope. And then reality hits and im on the floor again.

I am already worried im gonna one day get my license for my job pulled for having so many mental issues that I cant be relied on to do my duties. Im worried that someone might try and argue being NB is a mental issue and try to get my state to pull my license.

TW(Sex Work).

Ive been going to therapy and have had different therapists and I still feel like this. I still feel so scared of being abandoned again. Or being forced to leave somewhere I feel at least accepted again. I keep remembering when I used to get asked for pictures of myself online and I remember being happy someone liked how I looked and I remember liking how I looked. I dont regret doing that stuff. But that was like 6 years ago now. And now Im just sad and feel ugly.

Im like 80% sure I want to go on feminizing hrt at this point. I kept debating it back and forth and coming up with excuses not to do it. The main issues im concerned about are work related. What I am really concerned about is it making it not possible to continue in my career.

Like I can do a lot and it just gets looked over currently but if I get breasts someone is going to notice eventually, and its going to lead to questions/issues. That's essentially the only thing keeping me from calling the doctor to get an appt scheduled. Like im not changing that much about myself, people already assume im just a fem guy, so really im just doing things to make my body match my gender that I already express without people realizing it.

I work in a public facing job where I go to peoples homes/places of business and I already have people dislike having to deal with my profession.

I work in a relatively transphobic state and my field is pretty tight knit like I cant change workplaces with them not knowing me or knowing people I work with. I have a decent amount of worker protections but Im still nervous its just going to lead to bs complaints filed by the public against me.

Im well liked by most of my peers and have been successful so far. Im just scared i will be throwing away a very successful career and a job im actually proud of for once away over this. A few coworkers Im close with know about my gender and have been supportive but they expressed concern too about that step that they're not sure how people will react. Like none of us know anyone else trans/nb in our field in our state.

So it seems like its going to be uncharted territory for me, for my coworkers and my department. Its going to be interesting but Im still going to try and get HRT.

I posted here previously about being really stressed about my gender identity/expression earlier.

And i decided i needed to talk to someone besides my partner, who has really helped me, about this so i told a friend and we talked for like a half hour on this and it went well. She was really supportive. It made me feel less like I was just faking shit/ making it up. Though she did say some stuff that mixed expression and identity, but it was nice to just say this is what's going on and why i feel awkward a lot.

It just made me feel a lot more comfortable about exploring what I want and saying it out loud made it feel so much better.

It also made me realize how many signs I missed, and how much more Im not sure what I want from this exactly but that I know what I dont want. It made it less scary I guess.

Idk if this makes sense, 99% of people look at me like a straight man which isnt true. And now add cis when that isnt true. I dont really have any queer friends anymore. I just feel so meh, i think i could handle with people seeing me as straight, that barely bothered me, pan/bi erasure is an issue i managed for most of my life.

​ But feeling regendered by people??? Idk why it hurts so much. I don't even know how/if i should tell people, because its not like I am going to change my name and I don't know if I will ever take HRT, mostly cause I don't want breasts but a lot of the other stuff sounds nice I think... Idk, that's a whole other thing.

​ I don't feel the need to tell people im pan but this feels more like a gut punch occasionally but im also going slow in my life about transness in general. It bugs me that a lot of people growing up thought I was trans when I thought I was cis and I just blew it off and made jokes about them saying it because at the time I didn't understand Non-Binary genders and how that mirrored my feelings.

​ Idk im just like weirdly double closeted. And having a wife and add in my man stereotype career and absolutely no one is going to see me as anything else. Ill just be an-awkward kinda dorky but "safe man" to people.

​ I cant even fucking bring myself to tell the people who trust me about it. The only person who knows is my wife. That's it and she fucking realized I was Nonbinary.

​ Not to be too personal about sex but I have to be the person on the bottom, im okay with PIV sex but i cant be initiating it and actually get off doing other stuff for my partner, which disappoints her sometimes, as she wants to be topped and it makes me soft and feel really dysphoric to top. Like I cant usually bring myself to sexually top with PIV sex but I like domming.

​

I try to do things I find gender affirming but it just makes me feel childish. ​

I cant believe a lot of people I was close to growing up fucking knew but I thought they were teasing me/reading into me being pan. And then I moved away and then it took me another ~10 years to get it. Even my parents thought I was a trans girl for a while. ​

So here I am continuing to get to cosplay as a straight cis man everyday forever.