Went snowboard for two days recently (southern hemisphere) and the hire shop gave me a Burton 155W board. I’m size US9 and everything I’m reading tells me wide boards are for larger feet. Board just felt completely off and I had a bad time. Is this abnormal or am I just getting in my head about it?
Learning to ride switch and not sure what this is called. I thought it was falling leaf but this seems different.
I was first prescribed vyvanse and dexamphetamine for my adhd a few years ago. I was assured by the Psychiatrists that there was no risk of addiction or dependency. At first it seemed like this miracle drug; I stopped drinking, I started doing better at work, my relationship improved, I was consistent with my routines I got really fit. Everything seemed to be falling into place.
I don't know when exactly it started going wrong, I think it's more of a frog in boiling water situation. At one point, someone close to me died suddenly in a very horrible way and I think that was a big tipping point. I'd just started a new job after being unemployed for a few months and had used all of my savings. It was a temp role and taking time off was not an option so I threw myself into my work because it was the only way I could cope.
Being a temp role, I put an immense amount of pressure on myself to perform. Longer hours, less sleep and more meds to push through. It worked - after a few months I got hired as a permanent employee for more money in a more suited role. It was the first time in my life where I'd worked hard and seen it paid off. What I didn't at the time was the toll it was taking on me, prioritising work above all else (and refusing to face my own trauma).
In this new role I started working from home more often. The line between my work and personal life was becoming more blurred and all of my routines were already collapsing. As I was working from home, I had access to all of my vyvanse and dex, instead of what I'd allocated myself for the day when I would go into the office.
This is when things started getting really bad. I was starting to miss a night of sleep every couple of weeks, then it became every week, then it was multiple times per week. I hid it from everyone, and downplayed it to my partner, because I was in complete denial about the situation myself. I wanted to blame it on anything but the stimulants. Like tonight, I would have these moments of clarity and find that I could be honest with myself, and acknowledge that I need to change my behavior, but then after a few agonising days of recovering, I had convinced myself that everything was fine and I would do better next time. The cycle repeats.
Eventually my partner left me because she couldn't watch me tear myself apart any longer. Ironically, her leaving me sparked the realisation that I was at rock bottom and I started to make drastic changes and found the strength to start climbing out of the hole I was in. I moved back in with my parents and had them take control of my meds.
I am still coming to terms with how much this has cost me - my relationship, my mental and physical health, my self esteem. I can't believe how many times I have arrived at the same breaking point and then eventually continued the same behaviour that got me there. Funnily enough, throughout all of this, I have maintained the same job and kept a pretty good reputation at work.
These last few months I have been doing a lot better. My diets improved, I'm back in the gym, maintaining boundaries with work, and lots of therapy.
Positive changes aside, I still recognise the same addictive behaviour, and I am still slipping up. Naively, I thought with time maybe this would go away. My meds are still being distributed out to me, and I am still abusing them, given the chance. I have proven to myself time and time again that it is not a matter of if, but when. I am terrified of waking up tomorrow already half convinced that it's not so bad and that I'll do better next time.