u/Some-Future1849

So me (19M) and my bf (23M) have been going out for almost two months, official for over one month, we met through tinder and instantly hit it off. After the first date I just knew. Although I try to be realistic and prepare for disappointment I couldn’t help myself. I’ve never felt that way about anyone. I honestly feel like he was the more affectionate one when we first met. I was so happy bc I’d done it all, dating apps, hookups etc and I finally found someone my type who genuinely likes me back.

One thing that made me so confident in him when we first started talking was he actually responded fast. And not just that “I’m thirsty and want to get in your pants so I’ll keep your attention” fast but like he genuinely wanted to know me. Now, I feel like he’s slower to respond, we don’t really have deep convos, i feel like I can’t really open up abt my mental health. Sometimes I just feel like I’m a burden which is my own issue. I get it was really early, he’s busy, everyone has their own life, but I already feel pretty alone as is in terms of friends not reaching out, transactional relationships, and feeling like the one thing that should be good in my life (yes i understand it’s not always sunshine and rainbows and he doesn’t owe me attention but it’s not like we’re arguing it’s just off to me at least) is going to eventually be gone too.

I feel like he’s not necessarily distant but more so disconnected. I try to be intimate and kiss him/make out just because I like kissing him (duh) and he’ll assume I’m initiating sex or he’ll just let me get a few in and then it’s as if we move on to the next subject or something. And this is from the comfort of both his house or mine with just us two. I enjoy just sitting there existing with him holding him, but part of me feels there’s at least part of me he doesn’t like. There are times we’ll full on make out but I feel like it’s only in the shower when we jerk off together which is hot but it feels like he gets tired of kissing me. I feel like I’m making this whole thing about kissing but it’s deeper than that. I want nothing more than to just make him happy. I enjoy giving him head, stroking, he usually always comes first and I feel like I’m just left there jerking aggressively hoping I don’t make him feel bad.

I understand I’ve definitely put him on a pedestal so I’m definitely going to be asking for some space. Even though it’s only been a month officially, the 2 months we’ve been going out we’ve seen each other every single week consistently for 1-2 night sleepovers (24 hours minimum, up to 48+). More and more when one or the other goes home (we live almost 2 hours from each other but still manage weekly visits at each other’s houses) I get pretty depressed the second day after he leaves or I go back to my house. I described this feeling to him how it’s literally like almost all consuming, I broke down at work while I was on my break, it was terrible. He basically just responded oh yeah I feel the same I can’t wait till we live together and don’t have to deal with this. But I seriously don’t think he gets it. That’s not the response i wanted, not sure what I was hoping for but it definitely wasn’t that.

It’s not even that he’s not affectionate. He does lean in or look at me the way he does insinuating a kiss but it’s just one or two. Am I being greedy for wanting more and just wanting to love all of him? I mean he loves cuddling, holding me etc but part of me feels like he doesn’t really like me which feels crazy to say but also right at the same time. I feel like I’m too much and being overbearing. I wouldn’t even say I’m trying too hard because I just genuinely love him. He’s also my first boyfriend so the pressures really on. Keep in mind I am a fearful avoidant but also quite self aware so I feel like my biggest fear is I’m going to be the one that ends up breaking up with him bc I either don’t think it’s right or think he doesn’t actually like me or whatever.

I feel like logically I know he likes me. I mean he’s the one that actually initiates sex, not me. I enjoy it and he obviously does too. And it’s ironic because he’s always the one joking or half serious about me leaving him, that I’m too good for him. He was convinced I was talking to other ppl prior to officiating our relationship and it really hurt my feelings but we talked through that yet he still acts like I’m like this God and he’s a lowly peasant. I mean he treats me like a king as every boyfriend should but I feel like maybe it’s not real? Not like this is unreal type of way but he doesn’t actually want me as much as he claims to.

It’s not like I have much to go off of like I said he’s my first boyfriend and he’s my everything so of course I’m scared of losing him but I’m wondering if it’s valid fear or if I’m just overthinking it or a possible mix in between. idk

sorry for the yap but if you made it this far thank you and any advice would be greatly appreciated