I[26F] some know what to do with my marriage anymore to my husband [25M]
TLDR: I love my husband, but after years of feeling unsupported through my health struggles, discovering he never wanted children despite telling me he did, and living with his anger and emotional outbursts, I don’t know if there’s anything left to save. He’s finally trying after an ultimatum, but I feel completely broken.
God where do I start with this mess. My husband and I got married six years ago when we were really young. Before we got married, he was everything I ever wanted. He was kind, patient, funny, and made me feel so loved. I genuinely thought I had found my person. Looking back now, I wonder if I ignored things because I loved him so much. Maybe the signs were there, and I just didn’t want to see them. Not long after we got married, my health started getting worse. I have epilepsy, and over the years my doctors have constantly adjusted my seizure medication and antidepressants trying to find something that worked. Every medication change affected me differently. Sometimes I couldn’t think straight, sometimes I was exhausted, sometimes I just wasn’t myself. I wasn’t choosing to be sick.
I was doing everything I could just to get through each day. I needed my husband more than ever during that time, and honestly I never really felt like I had him. I had already moved from Florida all the way to California to be with him. I left my family, my friends, and everything I’d ever known because I believed we were building a life together. Even after all these years, I still miss home every single day.
Money got tight, so I pushed myself to get a job even though my health wasn’t good. It was hard. Really hard. But I wanted to help us. Even when money was tight, I’d secretly save little bits here and there so I could surprise him with anniversary dates or little trips because I knew he couldn’t afford to. Seeing him happy made me happy. At least it used to. Then one night I woke up around 2 a.m. and realized he wasn’t in bed. I walked out and overheard him drinking with one of his friends. I heard his friend telling him he should divorce me. I still remember exactly how that felt. I just stood there listening, hoping I misunderstood. They were drunk, so I kept telling myself maybe it didn’t mean anything. Maybe they were just talking.
But those words never left me. A while later, I had this horrible gut feeling to look through his phone. I know people will probably judge me for that, but something inside me told me I needed to. I found messages between him and that same friend. He was complaining about me. About how he was tired of waiting for me to get better.
Then came the conversation that completely shattered me. Before we got married, I told him one thing I couldn’t compromise on. I wanted children. I asked him multiple times before we got married if he wanted kids too, and every single time he said yes. Over the years, whenever I’d bring it up, he’d tell me we needed to wait until my health got better. So I waited. I believed him. I kept hoping. A few weeks ago, after six years of marriage, he finally admitted that he doesn’t actually want children. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so blindsided. It felt like someone ripped away the future I’d spent six years believing we were building together. I keep asking myself. Did he always know? If he never wanted kids why tell me he did? Why let me marry him believing we’d have that life someday? I don’t know how I’m supposed to move past that.
On top of everything else, his anger has gotten worse over the years. He’s never laid his hands on me. But he’s punched walls. Thrown things. Hit the steering wheel while screaming in the car while we’re on the highway. I know he has autism, and I know that can make emotional regulation difficult. I’m not blaming his diagnosis. But I also know that this isn’t healthy, and it’s taken a huge toll on me. I’ve begged him for years to get therapy. To talk to someone. To get help. Nothing ever changed.
The issue I have currently is that I don’t know if I’m already gone. These past several months have completely broken me. I’ve barely been eating. I barely drink water. I’ve gone weeks without showering because I just don’t have the energy. I cry over everything. I’m angry all the time. I’m starting to lash out, and I hate the person I’m becoming. I know I need help too, and I’m trying to get it because I don’t want to keep living like this.But he doesn’t and even his parents still think he doesn’t need therapy or medication. I just feel so alone. I still love him. Or maybe I love who he used to be. Maybe I love the version of him I thought I married. I honestly don’t know anymore. I never imagined I’d be 26 years old questioning everything about my marriage. I don’t know if people can come back from this. I don’t know if too much damage has already been done. I guess I’m just wondering.
One of the hardest parts of all of this is that I don’t really have anyone in my life telling me it’s okay to leave. Both of our families are religious and everyone around us believes that marriage is forever. I was raised to believe that separation and divorce are against the Bible unless adultery has happened. Since he hasn’t cheated on me or physically abused me, I constantly question whether I’m even “allowed” to think about leaving. It makes me feel incredibly guilty because part of me feels like I’d be failing God, failing my vows, and failing everyone around me if I walked away. At the same time, I can’t ignore how broken I’ve become. I don’t know how much longer I can keep living like this. So I’m stuck between what I’ve always been taught and what my heart and mind are telling me. I don’t know if staying is the right thing to do anymore, but I also don’t know if I could live with the guilt of leaving.
Has anyone else been in this position? How did you separate your faith from the reality of what you were living through? If you were me, would you keep fighting?