Can't Quit Porn/Masturbation Fully (I Tried Really Hard)
Hey Guys,
So, I’m 24M and I am about to get married. Honestly, I don’t even know where to start.
Let’s go back to the beginning. Ever since I first discovered porn and masturbation, I have been addicted. Sadly, I hate it so much. I’ve tried a lot to stop, but I always end up relapsing. The longest I used to go without it was around 3 or 4 days.
Fast forward to 2023, and I got engaged. In our culture, we don't do dating. You can't just go out with a girl normally; it would severely affect both families' reputations. That’s why, when I met my girl and knew she was the one, we got engaged just so I could hang out with her. But even then, there are strict limits and boundaries—yada yada. In short: nothing sexual. We can only go to public places or her parents' home, and we are never left alone together. The whole package.
Anyway, I’ve read online that porn and masturbation can affect things very badly during marriage, so I tried so hard to quit. I think the absolute longest I’ve ever gone without thinking about anything was a month, but I can't seem to reach that goal anymore. I only managed it once. Right now, it’s constantly a "two-week phase" kind of thing. I’ll stop doing or watching anything bad for two weeks, but right when I'm about to enter week three, I get extremely horny. Then, I spiral for an entire week, doing it every single day. Sometimes it's just once a day because of the shame, sometimes a bit more. Trust me, this is very tame compared to what I used to do before the engagement, but I still feel hopeless about quitting. Sometimes I don't even make it through the two-week phase because the urge just hits me out of nowhere. And honestly, talking to her doesn't help—sometimes it makes me even hornier.
Well, the good news is that when I’m in that clean two-week phase, I get hard just being around her or talking to her. When I’m in my spiral week, I still get hard, but it’s definitely not as strong. Because of that, I think my biology is working fine, but I am still terrified of ED. It has never actually happened to me, but just the thought of it scares the hell out of me, and I don't know what to do.
To try and stop this madness, I blocked almost everything. I even started writing down exactly what triggers me or what ideas pop into my head that start this bullshit. Every time an urge hits, I try to tell myself that it’s a trap so I don’t follow it. It actually used to work. But honestly, the spawn of Satan keeps putting the most annoying, creative shit I’ve ever seen into my head just to make me go back to the starting point. I’m seriously starting to think it is Satan himself because of how creative these thoughts are. It's always stuff like: *"Just look at soft porn." "Just find a movie that only has romance and watch it, it’s not real porn." "Just look at ecchi stuff." "Hey, why don't you try reading an adult comic book? It’s not a video."* Or even, *"Okay, how about just watching and not masturbating? You won't relapse if you don't ejaculate."* God help me.
I am getting married in exactly 2 to 3 months. I tried telling myself to just hold off until then, and tried to do it but like I said, after that two-week mark, I went crazy again—sometimes even before that. I keep telling myself, "Marriage will fix this issue, and I won't need any of that bullshit ever again." But then I get scared and ask myself: What if it’s not enough? What if what I read online actually happens to me? How will my life be after marriage? Will I still watch stuff? Will I completely stop? Will we watch it together?
I know I’m joking around at the end there, but man, my brain is about to explode. I am super depressed about this and absolutely terrified at the same time.