u/SpareAltruistic6483

ETA: SS is 12
I work 4 out of 5 days. So Wednesday I have off.
Normally SS should have gone to his mom but she requested he stays until Saturday. Sure no problem.

BM knows that if SS is not here my SO works at the office. Idk if she knows that I am free that day so I am always here when SS comes to ours on Wednesday.

A little over year ago BM walked into our house to take SS walked around to get his stuff because she was angry he was home alone too long (exactly 30 minutes longer than she left him daily and she was offered to take him that night but declined. It felt like a massive set up)
But I’d led to a strongly worded e-mail with clear “rules” for how long SS was allowed to be home alone and a threat to never walk into the home ever again.

Yesterday as usually it is my cave woman day. I looked homeless. I was gaming with a headset on. SS was upstairs in his room. I didn’t hear him come in the room but he was holding his phone out like he was filming himself walking in the house.

I took of my headphones and looked back at him to see what he was doing and suddenly I heard BM’s voice. Saying: okay.
And I look back and I am face to face with her on face time. And I was stunned.

I looked at SS like wtf is happening here… and he went on to his mom “ so yeah what happened at school was …” while he ran back upstairs.
I felt so violated. I was just minding my own business in the comfort of my own home.

I didn’t know what happened. And I didn’t know how to approach the discussion. I talked to SO and he said she was probably checking if he was home alone so she could go off again. He said he would talk to SS but that didn’t sit well with me because then it feels like I just complain and snitch to SO and I need to handle this myself.

I don’t know how to approach it now a day later. But I really feel like I have to.
Any tips how to talk about this?

Who else also lies with a bold face when their parent partners ask questions they should not ask. Or when they make wild statements.

I usually have the policy of not asking questions you don’t want the answer to. Like I hope I am the best sex my SO had in his life. But I am not asking him that because I couldn’t handle a no. 🤣

But SO sometimes says or asks things that for me sound like a lala land delusion. But I do not always have the heart to tell him.

Example: “ oh you were so happy to see SS again you love it when he is here don’t you”
Truth: He is a cool kid. We vibe. But I don’t miss him. I prefer the week he is not here.

“If we would break up I think he would still contact you for advice “
Sir, this kid is still calling me by the name of your ex sometimes… he will forget I ever existed under 10 minutes.

“ if I die, you will be an important person to him”
His mom will never let him talk to me again.

“You are such an important influence and you made our lives and bond so much better”
No I did not. I just stayed out of your way and try not to be overwhelmed and triggered by the both of you.

“ you are looking forward to our holiday together aren’t you”
I got suckered into a holiday with them. I usually find excuses. I told him I do not have the PTO and will have to work remotely… it is a lie, although I can work if I want. this gives me a way to get rid of them sometimes AND I have an escape plan because friends of mine are an hour away in the same country… so I can go visit them if they drive me crazy!

So I lie, all the time. I let him inflate the relationship between me and SS, I let him think I would be so heartbroken if I would never see SS again, that I look forward to spending time with them.

Because to some extent I understand that my SO wants the two people he loves the most to get along. I understand he wants this delusional happy family because that was all he wanted when he grew up, only his cheating ex made the dream shatter.

So I play along sometimes. Pretend that me and SS would be like a family even if my SO would be gone.
Maybe the delusion is nicer than the reality anyway?
The reality that I love my SO and his past is bagage I took on to be with him. That neither of us wanted this life but our exes destroyed our plans with cheating. That in the prefect world we would have found each other first or never at all.
Yeah… the delusion sounds pretty good

My SO has a new job which requires him to get up really early. SS has to get up by himself, get ready for school and leave on time. I usually sleep in until he goes but sometimes I do get up and have breakfast with him to make him feel less lonely.

Last week I was very tired so I decided to stay in bed a bit longer… I fell back asleep… but at some point I though: huh! He has been quiet , as usually the set of alarms wake me up anyway ( he has one to wake up, one for when he has to be dressed, one for when his breakfast needs to be done and one where he has to go).

So I walked up stairs and low and behold I saw his bag untouched… he overslept.
I awkwardly went and woke him up.
He was in full panic mode. He begged me to have him call in sick because he would be 45 minute late.

I called his dad who just got off the phone with school who told him he wasn’t there.
He said it was okay and to send SS to school.

SS still was so scared he would be in trouble. I told him people get to make mistakes and he is always on time. They would understand.
He said his teacher is very strict.

So I told him: okay, you play up the drama. Tell your teacher you have to get up all alone by yourself… because your dad is never home and your evil stepmom is too lazy to get up as she only cares about herself and her dog! Teacher will feel so bad for you she won’t add insult to injury!

This made him laugh and he went to school not so worried. He was not in trouble at all.

So this weekend he was not here. It was mothersday.
He send me a picture of my dog and said : thanks for being my evil stepmom.

I love a good callback

I was at an extended family dinner and for some reason our relationship came up.
Yes we moved in with each other rather fast ( 1 year after meeting). But we knew we wanted this. We involved professionals to make sure SS was okay with it and we really thought about it.

But some people think that “ we were lucky it worked out” as if we played Russian roulette. Nah we really talked and thought about it!

One person iterated something BM has been saying too. Good parents stay single and focus on their kids.
It opened a whole discussion about parents being happy is good for kids. Balancing needs and wants…

But someone said, “ I do respect BM for putting her son first”.

I almost bursted out : well if she didn’t cheat she wouldn’t have blown up his family … but I didn’t .
SO never told his family and it is not my story to share but gosh! Do I want to!

I also wonder if this family member still has contact with BM because this was one of her major talking points when she wanted to “ forbid” my SO to move in together with me.

Anyway I didn’t react. I didn’t go off on how blatantly hypocritical it is to say this after you broke your family because you couldn’t keep it in you pants!

The fact is, she has no current prospects. She would change her tune so fast if they were lining down the block!

Hi I am monogamous and I wil throw a big party with travel. I have two poly friends. They are each others main.
They both have a relationship with another couple.

I have a destination party and I pay a lot for their accommodation. Which I want to. They are my friends. But now it turns out they both assumed their couple is also included in the invite. It was +1

I don’t want to be monogamous- centric but I don’t know the two couples and it will add 4 people to a 10 people party. I will have to rent a bigger accommodation and I am afraid it will change the whole dynamic.

Is it terrible to ask them to only bring their main? Which is just the two of them?
Can I expect this? Or am I disrespectful of their set up?

ETA:
Okay so maybe I left some key information out and sounded rude. This is not like a wedding with formal invitations. But I do have some good ideas for when I finally send those out to avoid confusion :). So real talk : I started to rent out a beach house for
my birthday a few years ago and I have invited the same groups of friends.
I will use the fake names to clarify: Ash is my friend and Birch is his main partner. Birch has become my friend too after all the years.
So this year again I made a groupchat with both Ash and Birch to be like “ you guys ready for this year? “
One of the girls has been single for a while and is now dating and she asked in the groupchat if I was okay with her brining a plus one. I said yeah your +1 is welcome.

Now Birch and Ash have been poly for as long as I known them but they never had a fixed other partner before ( so sorry don’t really know the terms). This year both of them fell in love with another couple. So ash with couple A and Birch with couple B.
They have been pretty serious about them and as far as I understand Ash and Birch also like each others couple ( so Ash, Birch and couple A also hang out for example ) but only Ash is serious about couple A and Birch about couple B.

So their dynamic is pretty new but also as I understand pretty serious.
Ash never asked me but kinda sprung on me that his boyfriends are excited to come as plus ones were invited. But to me his plus one is Birch.
I want to be supportive of their other relationships but I would prefer just to have Ash and Birch there, but I don’t want to pretend that their boyfriends are not acknowledged as partners.

I had a difficult discussion with my SO recently.

When we first moved in together SS refused to come to us one day.

BM called and said it was because he felt unseen and unwelcome and unhappy with his dad. It was all my fault and I changed all the rules.

We were very shocked and I honestly did not believe it. We took it seriously either way and convinced BM to let us do therapy with SS. It all turned out to be SS saying what BM wanted to hear so she could play the hero.

However mad that made us, the therapy greatly improved the relationship with SS and my SO and they are doing stellar.

Only recently the pendulum is swinging the other way. SS has complained to me about his mother being a control freak and I always shut it down. I do not want to talk about his mother. I always say, wel you need to talk that out with your mom I can’t help here. But SS has been calling more and more to do activities with SO on BM her custody time. BM prefers not to and it turns into battles.

I have seen the glee in my SO’s eyes because SS has told him he prefers our house and has been making comments about “ well he can choose now so he could choose us”.

Look, I dislike BM. But I do not get trying to one up her this way. Also he is becoming a teenager and letting him pick the home based on his likes is very dangerous. It will take out any possibility for any parent to actually deal out consequences.

I don’t know I really feel iffy about this and about both side trying to be the coolest. How do you guys handle these types of dynamics ?

Also, I don’t want SS full time as long as his mom is a stable and safe parent.