u/SpecialConfident2902

I am currently looking at schooling alternatives for my 7-year-old daughter, who is autistic and likely ADHD. She attended two different Montessori preschools when she was younger, and recently I had a long conversation with guides from a local Montessori elementary school at a school fair.

Reflecting on all three of these experiences, I realized I’ve had the same persistent concern, and I’m trying to discern if we've just encountered poor execution of the method, or if there is a fundamental mismatch between Montessori pedagogy and her specific neurotype.

When she was in preschool, she really struggled with what felt like a paradox in the environment:

• On a macro level, the long, open work periods felt under-structured for her. Without explicit scaffolding, she would often wander the room, lost and unable to choose a task.
• On a micro level, the materials felt overly rigid. While Montessori objects are designed to be self-correcting, I noticed that the adults were often incredibly eager to jump in and redirect her the moment she deviated from the "proper" presentation of the material.

To a 3-year-old, it felt like, "This adult won't let me play." Now at 7, she has more tolerance for adult intervention, but it still completely kills her intrinsic motivation. For example, at the fair the other day, she was fascinated by the binomial cube and was trying to figure it out. But the guide at the booth constantly interjected with, "No, you take them out like this," and "No, you put them back like this." I watched my daughter physically stiffen and immediately lose interest.

As she has grown, I’ve realized her needs are actually the exact inverse of the typical Montessori setup: she does better in with a highly structured, predictable daily schedule and clear goals, but once the goal is set, she needs some freedom to be left alone to figure out the execution in her own way.

For the guides and parents here: Is the heavy, immediate adult redirection we keep encountering a misinterpretation of "following the child," or is this high level of precision inherent to the method? I would love to hear from anyone who has navigated the Montessori environment with twice-exceptional or neurodivergent kids who require structure but minimal intervention once she's started working.

Does anybody else have the experience where if their kid has a really stellar morning regulation-wise then THAT is the day that you'll be getting messages from school about them struggling with regulation, and sometimes even the opposite where if the morning felt like a train wreck you'll hear from the teacher that things were fine?

We had an awesome 24+ hour period, including a zoo field trip yesterday, where I felt like we were really rocking it regulation wise. She even got ready for school earlier than usual today since she wasn't thinking of a million different reasons to avoid going to school. She was excited to show everyone her new dress and things were generally feeling great. It didn't feel like a "seems great, but only because she's masking" thing, but a genuine sense of ease.

And then a little more than an hour into the day I hear about how she's spent most of the morning crying and melting down in the resource room, wanting to go home.

Hopefully I find out more about "what happened?!" but frequently the teachers aren't sure and my daughter is unable or reticent to talk about it herself. But man, sometimes it feels like the best mornings result in the worst day at school, and the worst mornings sometimes result in good days at school. Driving me nuts. I just want my kid to be happy. :(

My daughter pretty much always wears leggings (she doesn't like jeans) but seems to always have a plumbers crack. She doesn't seem to care, and doesn't fix it when teachers tell her to, but apparently kids have noticed and are making mean comments.

At first I thought it was because her leggings were too small since it seemed like they didn't have space for her butt if she bent over, so I sized her up. Now it just seems like the waistband isn't secure enough to keep her pants up. It's not a big deal when she wears dresses since they offer the requisite coverage, but when she chooses a shirt its an issue.

When I'm with her I can usually tell her to "fix her pants!" and she'll do it, but at school she is not listening to the adults (I will say that she generally has a distaste for school, which we're trying to work on, but it probably doesn't help).

What should I do? Anything good to deal with this issue? I hate having to go clothes shopping when money is tight, but the butt needs to be contained.