u/Specialist_5878

It’s been over a year now since my values completely flipped after some rough relationship trauma (friends and romantic). I’m still in therapy and on antidepressants, but it hasn’t really fixed the core issue.
I used to be outgoing, open, and deeply caring. I dreamed about building a family, having kids, and being a great husband and dad. Now? I don’t trust women anymore. Since I’m straight I still enjoy them physically, but all I want are casual hookups and one-night stands. Meaningful relationships feel pointless.
Everything else is about proving the people who hurt me wrong. My only real drive is money, power, status, and success. I can’t sleep at night because I’m terrified I won’t get the big house, the nice cars I want, the luxury lifestyle, and the models. It’s weird and sad to me that these have become the ceiling of my ambitions — replacing all the deeper, meaningful goals I used to have.
I know this version of me isn’t sustainable or someone I truly respect. I want to win in life, but as the better person I used to be. Has anyone pulled themselves out of a long-term post-trauma spiral like this? Especially when therapy alone isn’t cutting it? What actually helped — specific habits, books, new routines, different therapy approaches, or anything else?

I’m 20, male, still a virgin. I’ve always been the overprotective type (in a caring, non-toxic way I hope) and I hold pretty traditional values around sex and relationships. I want exclusivity, mutual firsts, and deep emotional commitment. That’s who I am at my core.
But lately I’ve been tormented by this unwanted fantasy: imagining my future partner being used sexually by other men. Not just with other guys — specifically the “being used” aspect. It’s vivid, intrusive, and keeps popping up even when I try to push it away. The worst part? I find it disgusting and completely incompatible with my values. I would never want this in real life. I don’t want an open relationship, sharing, or anything close to it. The idea of it actually happening makes me feel sick and jealous.
I’m single right now and determined to fix this before I get into any relationship. I refuse to bring this kind of mental baggage into something serious. I have no idea where it’s coming from — I don’t even watch that kind of porn (at least not intentionally). Is this some weird intrusive thought spiral? A stress response? Latent kink I don’t want?
Has anyone here (especially guys who are inexperienced or protective by nature) dealt with unwanted fantasies like this that go against everything you believe? How did you stop it or reduce it? Therapy? Habit changes? Mindfulness? I’m open to practical advice.
Please no “just explore it” replies — that’s not what I want. I want these thoughts gone so I can stay true to myself.

I 20M am a guy who’s had a few relationships. I come from a solid family and was raised with the idea that you shouldn’t play with people’s feelings or do things you’ll later regret.
In every relationship, things would eventually heat up. My girlfriends wanted to go further than kissing, and yeah, I gave in to some stuff (oral, but only from my side). But every single time they wanted actual sex, I politely turned it down. I always had one rule in my head: I can only expect from someone what I’m willing to give myself.
I still feel kind of shitty about the things we did do. I wish I had stayed completely clean so I could offer that to my future wife. But what’s done is done.
Here’s the deeper part: from what I’ve seen in my own experiences and from friends, girls who have had a lot of sexual experience (or even just lost their virginity early) often seem… different in their next serious relationship. They carry baggage, comparisons, or a more casual attitude toward sex that changes the dynamic. I’m not judging them as people — everyone has their own path — but I personally can’t shake the feeling that I want something more innocent and exclusive.
I truly believe the most beautiful thing would be discovering all of that together with the person you’re probably going to spend your life with. That sense of “we’re each other’s in every way.” It’s not about control, religion, or some weird purity obsession. It’s about having the same standard for both of us. I wouldn’t ask a girl to be a virgin if I wasn’t one myself. That’s why I’ve been careful.
But dating in 2026 feels brutal for this mindset. A lot of people my age treat sex like it’s no bigger deal than kissing. So I guess I’m asking honestly:
• Is this expectation completely unreasonable today?
• Am I being immature, insecure, or controlling without realizing it?
• Have any of you (guys or girls) felt the same way and actually found someone who shared that value?
• Or am I just setting myself up for lifelong disappointment?
I’m not here to shame anyone. I’ve made my own compromises and I own that. I just want to know if I’m totally alone in wanting this kind of mutual “firsts” in a long-term relationship.