u/Spiritual-Finger8871

I (27F) went out with my sister (30F) today, and I’ve been feeling oddly sad about it ever since.

We rarely go out together anymore, so I was actually looking forward to spending some time with her. We went to a café after I had to visit somewhere nearby, and I was genuinely happy she agreed to come.

But the whole time she was on her phone replying to work messages from her senior on Teams. I completely understand work pressure and how corporate jobs can make people feel like they constantly need to stay visible and available. She even mentioned that herself, so I do get it. That’s partly why I didn’t say anything.

Still, it felt really awkward sitting across from someone who barely looked up the entire time. I’m someone who usually doesn’t use my phone when I’m out eating with someone, so there was nothing I really wanted to scroll through either. I was mostly just sitting there waiting for the order, looking around, trying not to feel weird about the silence.

At one point I showed her something on my phone, but she didn’t really look up because she was focused on replying to work. Then once the food came, she clicked one picture of it and immediately went back to her phone again.

Nothing technically “bad” happened. She wasn’t rude or mean, and I’m genuinely grateful she still came out with me because I needed to go somewhere nearby anyway. But emotionally it just felt like we weren’t actually spending time together even though we were physically sitting together.

I didn’t express any of this to her because I know she’s stressed and working hard, but I came home feeling unexpectedly disconnected and sad. I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if this is just what adult relationships sometimes become.

TL;DR:

I (27F) rarely get to spend time with my sister (30F), so I was looking forward to our café outing. But she spent almost the entire time replying to work messages on Teams and barely engaged with me. I understand her work pressure and I’m grateful she came, but I still felt emotionally disconnected and unexpectedly sad afterward.

I’m 27F and I really love my family. That’s what makes this harder to even talk about.

In my family everything comes down to my tone. Not what I say—how I say it. If I’m not soft enough, I’m rude. If I’m tired and speak normally, I’m arrogant. If I go quiet, I’m cold. It feels like there’s no version of me that’s acceptable unless I’m constantly performing warmth.

They say they understand me, but nothing really changes. The same issues keep coming up again and again.

Today I accidentally dropped my sister’s phone while grabbing something. I said sorry, but apparently it didn’t sound “genuine,” so it turned into me being called arrogant and uncaring.

I just stood there thinking… what else am I supposed to do? I did say sorry, but because it didn’t sound right, it doesn’t count.

I’m constantly filtering myself and I don’t have the energy anymore. I’m either working or doing chores, even when I feel physically weak, like I might black out if I stand too long, but I still push through because I feel like I have to.

It’s my home, so I tell myself it’s the bare minimum. But I’m exhausted.

Over time, I’ve just stopped speaking. I overthink everything before I say it, and even when they ask me something, I hesitate or just agree to avoid saying it “wrong.”

When I do try to speak, it comes out wrong or too much, and then I shut down completely.

I don’t even know what my natural voice is anymore. I feel like I’m always either too much or not enough, and I’m constantly choosing between being myself and being acceptable.

Honestly, I feel like I’m breaking and I don’t know how long I can keep doing this. I’m considering therapy because I don’t know if it’s me or just years of living like this.

TL;DR; : I love my family, but constant criticism of my tone has made me feel like I’ve lost my ability to speak naturally. I’m exhausted, shutting down, and don’t know how to cope without losing myself.